The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Rhino]

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."

[Rhino]

I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'.
You probably saw our posters.

[Jules G]

A Chilean miner having sex his wife for first time since release:

Miner: Can we switch the lights off?
Wife: Of course!
Miner: Can I have you from behind?
Wife: Anything you want my brave boy.
Miner: Can I call you Pedro?

[Jules G]

FIFTY YEARS OF TEACHING MATHS IN USA                                 


Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58.  The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her.  She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.  I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.  While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.   
 
        Why do I tell you this?   
        Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
         
          1.    Teaching Math In 1950s

                               A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
                   What is his profit?

         2.    Teaching Math In 1960s

                               A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
                   What is his profit?

         3.    Teaching Math In 1970s

                               A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is $80.
                   Did he make a profit?

         4.    Teaching Math In 1980s

                               A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
                   His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
                   Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5.    Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
 
Topic for class participation after answering the question:  How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).

6.    Teaching Math In 2010

                   Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100.
                   El costo de la producciones es $80.
                   Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

[Robin Hod]

SCOUSERS JOIN FERRARI 

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less  than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech  gear.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!

At the crew's first  practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed,  re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

[Snoring Rhino]

Something to offend everyone (not sure if its been posted already)
 
 I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack......................she hasn't even got a car!!

I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Aunt’s dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom..
"Holy F**k" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!!

Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now.."

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" . The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End.

Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to "F**k Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!

Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut.

Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm f**king having that!"

Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b'stard, you're in that feckin basket!"

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir.. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
CLICK,BANG
Paddy "OK, done that, what's next?

[Grand_Fromage]

Three engineers and three accountants were travelling by train. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought just one ticket between them.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their seats but all three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack and a single hand emerged with a ticket. The conductor took it, checked it, handed it back and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. After the conference the accountants, being clever with money, decided to copy the engineers on the return trip. When they got to the station, they bought one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a toilet and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterwards, one of the engineers left his toilet and walked over to the toilet where the accountants are hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

[Jules G]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
                   
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb.
                   
"I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. . . I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!''
                   
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
                   
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."

 

[termietermite]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
 
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
 
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.  You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
 
"Something happened.  I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
 
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."
 
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
 
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
 
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
 
"I have," says the man.
 
 "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
  "We're having granite worktops."

[Jules G]

A personal message to you from David Cameron……
 

 
 

 

The  UK  is in DEEP trouble...


The population of this country is



approximately 60 million.





32 million are retired.


That leaves 28 million to do the work..
 



There are 17 million in school or at Universities.

Which leaves 11 million to do the work.

Of this there are 8 million employed by the   UK  government.

Leaving 3 million to do the work.

1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in  Afghanistan

Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.


Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.


At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.


Leaving 512,000 to do the work.


Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.


That leaves just two people to do the work.


You and me.


And there you are,


Sitting on your arse,

At your computer, reading jokes.


Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?

[smokie]

Winner of the Homer Simpson lookalike competition...

[Lawnmower Man]

[nopanic - neil]

A guy is sitting in the bar in Departures at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides, because she's got a uniform on,she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for,

thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto - "We love to fly and it shows".

The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto - "'Winning the hearts of the world".

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto - "Going beyond expectations".


The woman looks at him sternly and says "What the f**k is it you want?"



"Ah    ", he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, "Ryanair".

[Jules G]

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I
help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

 "Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

 "In the park just down the road" she replied.

 "Can you describe what happened?"

 "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a  man  jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he  dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"
 
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on  each leg".
 
 "Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

 "Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".

 "That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

 "No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

[nickliv]

My wife thinks I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid.

Bollocks. I can stop anytime I want