The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Jules G]

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides To
ask her students? what they had for breakfast.                             

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their     
answers.                                                                   

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.                   

'Very good', says the teacher.                                             

Peter says he had toast. 'T-O-A-S-T'.                                     

'Excellent.'                                                               

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. 'I had   
Bugger all', he says, 'B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.                                 

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer. Later when
the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary     
questions.                                                                 

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada Peter is able to tell her
which ocean is off Canada's east coast.                                   

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the   
nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.       

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'                         

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in
bed with my mother. That's why I got Bugger all for breakfast'.           

 

 

 

[Jules G]

Old Jokes Home:

Q: What's worse than a lobster on your piano?



A: Crabs on your organ.

[nopanic - neil]

This is an invaluable guide.....for those of you that are planning to venture into darkest depths of Essex


alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item

amant - Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend")

assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc

awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost ("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day")

branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on a sunbed?")

cort a panda - A rather large hamburger

Dan in the maff - Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit Dan in the maff")

eye-eels - Women's shoes

Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre

garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired(Trace: "Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs at go in the garrij cos it aint working proper")

Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island

lafarjik - Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik")

OI OI! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs

paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport

reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig")

Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday

tan - The city of London

webbats - Querying the location something or someone is. ("Webbats is me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour")

wonnid - 1. Desired, needed. 2. Wanted by the police

zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is. ("I told ya a fazzand times already")

[mike(liverpool boys)]

Duran Duran have released a new version of their classic "Rio" for the world cup.

Its called "His name is Rio (and he's watching from the stand)"

[Jules G]

The improved National Health Service.

 

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn’t hear of it.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't  have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London.

[Brian(Liverpool boys)]

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the British Parachute Regiment for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.

"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im ... 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity."

"And zen what 'appened?"

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."

"And did you jurmp?"

"I did not. I told 'im ... 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"

"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle, at ze beginning."

[dukla]

An offer from Nigeria

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup, the Nigerian goalkeeper has personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who travelled to South Africa.
 
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

[Bob U]

Northumbria police have put a £10K price tag on Raoul Moat. If he doesn't get caught by Tuesday it goes up to £20K, making it a Raoul over.

 

Dear Mr Moat,

It has come to my notice that John Terry has also been shagging your misses while you were in prison.

Yours sincerely,

Wayne Bridge

 

I'm a PC, and hiding from Raoul Moat is my idea

 

Dear Mr Moat,
R2, R2, L1, R2, Up, Down, Up, Down, Up, Down
You're welcome xxx

 

Raoul Moat - The only Ginger who was ever wanted

 

 

So, Raoul Moat has vowed to go on killing policemen until he's dead.
You know Raoul, traffic wardens are a lot like policemen.....

 

Ironically, it appears that Moat is being surrounded

 

I need Raoul Moat to be found between the 22nd and 24th July to win the work sweepstake!!

 

So, Raoul Moat says that the public have nothing to fear as he is only targeting Police Officers on his rampage...
On a completely unrelated topic, Northumberland Police have announced that today is "Dress Down Wednesday."

 

So Raoul Moat has declared war on the Police.
Well if he needs any recruits I'm his man. I f**k*ng hate Sting. Pretentious tosser

 

In a massive manhunt for just one man, Raoul Moat, police have arrested two men. Neither is Raoul Moat.
Well done lads.

 

1 in 10 of all armed police officers in England and Wales are now in Northumberland looking for Raoul Moat.
Can't help thinking now might be a good time to rob a bank.

 

Raoul Moat is a c**t
He hasn't accepted my facebook friend request.

 

Okay – Im sorry… None of these are even raoulmoatly funny

 

[TobyAnscombe]

Whats the difference between Ashley Cole and Raoul Moat?





Raoul Moat is still messing around in a geordie bush...


Budum tish!

[Brad Zarse]

Northumbria police have put a £10K price tag on Raoul Moat. If he doesn't get caught by Tuesday it goes up to £20K, making it a Raoul over.

 

Dear Mr Moat,

It has come to my notice that John Terry has also been shagging your misses while you were in prison.

Yours sincerely,

Wayne Bridge

 

I'm a PC, and hiding from Raoul Moat is my idea

 

Dear Mr Moat,
R2, R2, L1, R2, Up, Down, Up, Down, Up, Down
You're welcome xxx

 

Raoul Moat - The only Ginger who was ever wanted

 

 

So, Raoul Moat has vowed to go on killing policemen until he's dead.
You know Raoul, traffic wardens are a lot like policemen.....

 

Ironically, it appears that Moat is being surrounded

 

I need Raoul Moat to be found between the 22nd and 24th July to win the work sweepstake!!

 

So, Raoul Moat says that the public have nothing to fear as he is only targeting Police Officers on his rampage...
On a completely unrelated topic, Northumberland Police have announced that today is "Dress Down Wednesday."

 

So Raoul Moat has declared war on the Police.
Well if he needs any recruits I'm his man. I f**king hate Sting. Pretentious tosser

 

In a massive manhunt for just one man, Raoul Moat, police have arrested two men. Neither is Raoul Moat.
Well done lads.

 

1 in 10 of all armed police officers in England and Wales are now in Northumberland looking for Raoul Moat.
Can't help thinking now might be a good time to rob a bank.

 

Raoul Moat is a c**t
He hasn't accepted my facebook friend request.

 

Okay – Im sorry… None of these are even raoulmoatly funny

 

Im in the office.  I am literally in tears laughing at this.  My colleagues think I'm made..... if only they knew ....

[nickliv]

Northumbrian shopkeepers be warned.

If Raoul Moat buys anything from you, be careful what change you give him.

Apparently he really really hates coppers

[Andy Zarse]

needed a chear-me-up today and this put a smile on my face 

And his penis! 

[Jules G]

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.


They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair
of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy
knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.


Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

[Jules G]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem

To get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll,
She came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most
Beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
  The woman asked the gentlemen,
"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
  The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front
Of my tomato garden, naked in my trench coat, and flash them.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
 Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try
Doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if
It would work. So twice a day for two weeks she
Flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by, and asked the woman,
"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
 No", she replied,
"but my cucumbers are enormous."

[SL]

Got my niece an iPhone for her birthday the other week and recently got my other niece an iPod for hers .

I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for my birthday.

Got my girlfriend an iRon for her birthday.

It was around then the fight started...