The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[smokie]

The picture below was submitted by a Primary school girl (5yrs old) for a homework assignment


After it was marked and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:
  

Dear Ms. Davis,


I want to be very clear on my child's illustration.  It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint.  I work at B&Q and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.  This  picture  is of me selling a shovel !.



Mrs. Harrington


Yeah, right...

[Jules G]

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

 

 The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can. Your Willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

 

 

 The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on, 'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new Willy that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch.'

 

 The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.) 'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor says, "you need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.. I mean, if you had a five inch Willy before and you decide to go for a nine inch Willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.'

 

 So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.

 

 The doctor comes back the next day. 'So' he says, 'have you spoken with

 your wife?'

 

 'I have.' says the chap.

 

 

  'And has she helped you to make the decision?'

 

 'Yes, she has' he says.

 

 'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor.

 

 'We're having a new kitchen.'

 

[Jules G]

A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry you fat b$tch, you'll lose it eventually!

[nickliv]

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/sport/sport-headlines/can-schumacher-restore-f1's-glory-days-of-utter-tedium?-200907311948/

[Jules G]

A: Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

Q: He worked it our with a pencil.

[Jules G]

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to
a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a
moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I
was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"!

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."



The woman giggles and replies," Well it must be broken because I am
wearing knickers!"




Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast!"

[Jules G]

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor.
"Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship.
 I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted.


That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, "she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe,
plus he’s screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry".

[Jules G]

My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this  from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover.  At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.  If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[dukla]

I am now voting for the Icelandic Volcano Party, as they have done more in the last 5 days to stop immigration than the government has done in the last 10 years.

[Jules G]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.  That will bring on a 'whatever').

( Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

[Doris]

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean .. . ..

 

 

. . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

[Jules G]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[Barry]

Dear Lord, 
 
I know that I haven't talked to you that much, but this past year you have taken away my favourite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favourite actress, Farah Fawcett, my favourite musician, Michael Jackson, and my favourite commentator , Billy McLaren.   
I just wanted to let you know that my favourite prime minister is Gordon Brown
Amen

[landman]

What's the difference between the volcano on Iceland, and Cheryl Cole?

The volcano is still blowing Ash.

[Barry]

As a rule I don't pass on emailed "lists" but this is a good one and worth keeping going.

Please pass it on to as many folk as possible.

It has been circulating for some time now and it is estimated that it has reached over 20 million people so far.

We don't want to lose any names on the list so once you have added your name PLEASE send it on to keep it going.


To show your support for Gordon Brown please go to the end of the list and add your name:

 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


1.  Mrs. Brown.

2.