The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[smokie]

Made me think of this story, which was in the current Private Eye.

http://www.vgchartz.com/forum/thread.php?id=94193&page=1

[Papa Eric]

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
 
 The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
 
 The three men had always done everything together.
 
 Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
 Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
 
 The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley '
 
 The mortician thought this was rather strange.
 
 So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
 
 Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
 
 Roll him over..'
 
 The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '
 
 The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
 
 Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
 
 'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
 
 'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
 
 'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

[Papa Eric]

AN IRISH GHOST STORY






John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The
night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the
car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the
wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a
curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere
through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror,
watched as the hand came through the window, but it never touched or
harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody
about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying, and
wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark
and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to
the other.....


'Look Paddy.....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we
were pushing it !!!!'

[Jason]

shamelessly nicked from another forum:

For Valentines day Wayne Bridge got his girlfriend a replica of his manhood made from Cadbury's chocolate.

She said she prefers Terry's.



= = = =

NEWS : 'Suicide Bomber Strikes again'

He is clearly not very good.

 = = = = =


Headline taken from the Peterborough Evening Telegraph:

"MPs call for jobs blow to be reversed"

[landman]

Neatly following on from last joke: -

Subject:Security Levels
 
UNCLASSIFIED
 
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert...

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "sh*t, I hope Australia will come and rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[Bob U]

Hitler practices his chat up lines




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNrN2Dkgpgc&NR=1

[Papa Eric]

•   What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that!
•   Why don't NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
•   Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving the fat eaters? It’s hardly fair.
•   They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
•   These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.
•   We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and went off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy  France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.
•   I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

[Lord Steve]

What kind of cheese do you use to hide a horse?







Marscapone

[Barry]

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.  After
two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing
'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned sixty-something.)


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh no,' I replied.  'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued
ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that
all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a
lot of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,...  'Then, why do you even give a sh*t?

[smokie]

Splashed out on a new bag and a belt for the Mrs for Valentines Day.









The Hoover works much better now... 

[Jules G]

Dennis Penberthy, an elderly Cornish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. 

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Penberthy. 

"Well," said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.  Then there's the housekeeper.  She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.  There's also the half-wit.  He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week, and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife." 

"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, “the half-wit."

   

"That'll be me then," said Penberthy.
 
 
 




 

[Jules G]

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.


A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'.

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.




There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.

Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.


Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!


The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign

'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'.




He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.


The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt

and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!


Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'


'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

[Lord Pig-Pen]

haha

[Jules G]

Q: What do a short-sighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?










A: A wet nose

[Jules G]

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was just After Eight. They got off at Quality Street, in front of the Fisherman's Friend pub.
 
He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said in a Wispa.
 
"I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts", he replied.
 
He touched her Creme Eggs, then slipped his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her Flap Jacks, while she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment, and she screamed in Turkish Delight.
 
But three days later his Sherbert Fountain started to drip. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett, who had Alsorts.