The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[mike(liverpool boys)]

Elton John went to a tattooist and asked for a Rolls Royce tattoo on his penis.

The tattooist said he'd be better with a Range Rover tattoo as it wouldnt get stuck in the sh*t.

[Papa Eric]

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom
all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to
find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and
tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news
for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here,
we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do?
My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate.
Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

[Papa Eric]

Manure ... An  interesting fact !!!

Manure:  From the 14th century onwards, and until the invention of chemical fertilizers everything had to be transported by  ship, so large shipments of manure were a common cargo.

It  was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is
methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can  see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below  decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern,  BOOOOM! !

Several  ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just  what was happening.

After  that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship  High In Transit' on them, which meant that the crew had to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus  evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Ship High In Transit) which has come  down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You  probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither  did I. - I  had always thought it was a golf term!.

[Papa Eric]

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Ohio State University, has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the sh*t out of him.

[Papa Eric]

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
 
They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus and calling it the "Clitaurus."
 
It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it,
even if someone tells him where it is.

[Fran]

Oh good news ... and I expect women will be able to do their own servicing and maintenance too!

F

[Papa Eric]

It's a slow day in Birmingham. The sun is beating down, and
the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and
everybody lives on credit.....
 
On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving
through town. He stops at the hotel and lays a £100 on the desk
saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend
the night.
 
As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the money and runs
next door to pay his debt to the butcher...
 
The butcher takes the £100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to
the pig farmer.
 
The pig farmer takes the £100 and heads off to pay his bill at the
supplier of feed and fuel..
 
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the £100 and runs to pay his debt
to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to
offer her "services" on credit.
 
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the
hotel owner.
 
The hotel proprietor then places the £100 back on the counter so the
rich traveller will not suspect anything.
 
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the £100,
states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and
leaves town.
 
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole
town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more
optimism.
 
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the British government are
conducting business today.

[Papa Eric]

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says. 
 
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you." 

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for  Leroy. 

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" 
 
Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't `til next Wednesday!"   

[Papa Eric]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
 
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
 
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
 
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
 
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
 
No", she replied,  "but my cucumbers are enormous."

[Papa Eric]

Grandad was reminiscing about the good old days...................

"When I were a lad, me mother would send me down to t'corner shop wi' a shilling, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf  a dozen eggs.

Yer can't do that now.

Too many bloody security cameras."

[Papa Eric]

There's been a marked drop in Taliban & Al Queda suicide bombings since singer Susan Boyle has been on TV…….
 
Apparently a lot of the terrorists didn't realize what a virgin really looks like….

[Snoring Rhino]

It's a slow day in Birmingham. The sun is beating down, and
the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and
everybody lives on credit.....
 
On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving
through town. He stops at the hotel and lays a £100 on the desk
saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend
the night.
 
As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the money and runs
next door to pay his debt to the butcher...
 
The butcher takes the £100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to
the pig farmer.
 
The pig farmer takes the £100 and heads off to pay his bill at the
supplier of feed and fuel..
 
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the £100 and runs to pay his debt
to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to
offer her "services" on credit.
 
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the
hotel owner.
 
The hotel proprietor then places the £100 back on the counter so the
rich traveller will not suspect anything.
 
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the £100,
states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and
leaves town.
 
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole
town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more
optimism.
 
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the British government are
conducting business today.

Very good, it worked because there were no Bankers involved raking off their bounuses.

[Brian]

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.
‘Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?’
‘Have you tried sandpaper?’ Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.
‘Pinocchio,’ said Gepetto a few weeks later, ‘How is the problem... work out with your ‘Girlfriend?’
Said Pinocchio, ‘Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?’

[Brian]

 A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her
 Vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too  loose and floppy.
 Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and
 the
 Surgeon agreed.

 Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she  found 3 roses
 Carefully placed beside her on the bed.
 Outraged,  she immediately calls  in the doctor.  'I thought I asked you
 not

 To tell  anyone about my  operation!'

 The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
 That the first rose was from him:
 'I felt sad  because you went through  this all by yourself.'

 'The second rose is from my nurse.  She assisted me  in the surgery and
 Empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'

 'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.

 'That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit.  He  wanted to thank you
 for
 His new ears.'

[Papa Eric]

AT LAST I'VE GOT THE CHRISTMAS TREE UP 


"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself "it's better to make their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a spaz.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
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To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~