The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[nopanic - neil]

Subject: It's a killer!

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a

young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large

insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and

arranging to have her killed.


A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a vicious underworld

figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the

husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 quid.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he

wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's

insurance money.


Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his

wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie

sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as

down payment for the dirty deed.


A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Sainsbury's.


There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to

strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and slumped to

the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly

onto the scene.

Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to

strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden

cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the

police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the

sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

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>> Wait for it

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>>(It's a beauty)

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>> "ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT SAINSBURY'S."

[nopanic - neil]

was sent this today, made me smile.

WE WAS BRUNG UP PROPER !!
    "And we never had a whole Mars bar until 1993"!!!

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL WHO WERE BORN in the  1930's 1940's, 50's, 60's and even early 70's !

We all survived

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy  Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.


We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY ,
No video/DVD  films,  
No mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!


We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.


Only girls had pierced ears!


We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.


You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...


We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,


We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!


RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on
MERIT  

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully's always ruled the playground at school.


The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'


We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility,
and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL !

And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!


You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

[Papa Eric]

Actual  exchanges between pilots and control  towers

______________________________________

Tower: "Delta  351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6  miles!"
Delta 351: "Give  us another hint! We have digital watches!"
 
________________________________________

Tower: "TWA  2341, for noise abatement turn right 45  Degrees."
TWA  2341: "Center,  we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up  here?"
Tower: "Sir,  have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it  hits a 727?"
 
________________________________________

From  an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff  queue: "I'm  f..ing bored!"
Ground  Traffic Control: "Last  aircraft transmitting, identify yourself  immediately!"
Unknown  aircraft: "I  said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing  stupid!"
________________________________________
 
O'Hare  Approach Control to a 747: "United  329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock,  three miles,  Eastbound."
United  329: "Approach,  I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."   
________________________________________
 
A  student became lost during a solo cross-country  flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on  radar, ATC asked, "What  was your last known  position?"
Student: "When  I was number one for takeoff."   
________________________________________
 
A  DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an  exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San  Jose Tower Noted: "American  751, make a hard right turn at the end of the  runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take  the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at  the lights and return to the  airport"
________________________________________
 
Tower: "Eastern  702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on  frequency 124.7"
Eastern  702: "Tower,  Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after  we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the  far end of the  runway."
Tower:  "Continental  635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact  Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that  report from Eastern  702?"
Continental  635: "Continental  635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."   
________________________________________
 

One  day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the  tower to hold short of the active runway while a  DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned  around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some  quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the  radio and said, "What  a cute little plane. Did you make it all by  yourself?"
The  Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by,  came back with a real zinger: "I  made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like  yours and I'll have enough parts for another  one."   
________________________________________
 

While  taxiing at London 's Airport,  the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft.  Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose  with a United 727..
An  irate female ground controller lashed out at the US  Air crew, screaming: "US  Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you  to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right  on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult  for you to tell the difference between C and D, but  get it right!"
Continuing  her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now  shouting hysterically: "God!  Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever  to sort this out! You stay right there and don't  move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive  taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want  you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you,  and how I tell you! You got that, US Air  2771?"

"Yes, ma'am,"  the  humbled crew responded.

Naturally,  the ground control communications frequency fell  terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air  2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate  ground controller in her current state of mind.  Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was  definitely running high Just then an unknown pilot  broke the silence and keyed his microphone,  asking:
"Wasn't  I married to you  once?" 

[Papa Eric]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me..... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man.. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

[Papa Eric]

The husband had just finished reading a book entitled "YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE"

He stormed into the kitchen where his wife was slaving over a hot stove and announced "From now on you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm finished eating my meal you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want"

"Afterwards, you are going to run me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and dry me and then bring me my robe. Then you will wash my feet and hands. Then tomorrow guess who's going to dress me and do my hair ? "
 
Without even looking up from her Sun Newspaper the wife replied " The F***ing funeral director would be my first guess "

[Jules G]

A man is in bed with his Thai-girlfriend.



After having a great romp, she spends the next hour just stroking his dangly bit, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.


Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: 'Why do you love doing that ?'

She replies: 'Because I really really miss mine...............'

[Papa Eric]

Scouse vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough,
as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't
want to have any more children.
 
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix
the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home ,
get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his
ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear
is going to help me.

'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.   
So the man went home , lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting
on his other hand. 
 
This procedure also works in Middlesborough, Woking, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales.

[Papa Eric]

The Road to Enlightenment - The Teachings of Zen
 
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just f*ck off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire..
3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's milk, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

[Papa Eric]

The following have all appeared in church magazines so let us thank God for church ladies with typewriters.

--------------------------
Next weekend's Fasting & Prayer Conference in   Whitby includes all meals. 
--------------------------
Sunday morning sermon: 'Jesus Walks on the Water'
Sunday evening sermon: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.   
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation .
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The school drama group will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church hall on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!' 

[smokie]

Did we already do Tommy Cooper?


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
-----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
was a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?'
I said, 'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said,
'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said
'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke
said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said,
'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it
down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary
work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is
for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me
on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything.'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip
outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes
first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to
say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and
asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing
a cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar'
I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman
Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man
replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?'
'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going
to die.'

[Bob U]

Dear John & Edward,

 

 

Your ability to win over the public and even Simon Cowell has made me look up to you.

 

I hope you may be able to share your secrets with me. You were $hite week after week but kept surviving.

 

I’m in a similar situation and need your help and advice. Hope you can help.

 

 

Yours Sincerely,

Rafa Benitez,

Liverpool FC Manager

 

[Papa Eric]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin.
 
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,
 
"What man here will buy a woman drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
 
But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
 
"Give the ballerina a drink!"
 
The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,
 
"What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,
 
"Give the ballerina another drink!"
 
The bartender approached the little drunk and said,
 
"Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
 
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

[Papa Eric]

Learn some more Chinese in 2 minutes
 
1) That's not right ............................ Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.................Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP.................................. Kum Hia Nao
4) Small Horse ................................. Tai Ni Po Ni
5) Did you go to the beach? .....................Wai Yu So Tan
6) Great .......................................Fa Kin Su Pah
7) I bumped into a coffee table ...........Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift ............Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here .......................Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ............Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone .................No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week . ............Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight .........................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ................Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive .................Yu Stin Ki Pu

[Papa Eric]

The only cow in  a small town in  Scotland stopped giving
milk.

The town folk found they could buy a cow in  Wales quite
cheaply.

They brought the cow from  Wales and it was wonderful,
produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so
they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever
the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move
away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who
was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his
advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said
,When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the
other side.

"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in  Wales ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from  Wales .

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from  Wales ?
"The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is from  Wales .."

[BryanC]

The obvious.....


An American tourist asks an Irish fisherman: "Why do Scuba Divers always
fall backwards off their boats into the water?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If dey fell forwards they'd still be in
the fookin' boat."