The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Papa Eric]

S * x On Mars

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of s* x.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.
As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache .. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

[Papa Eric]

Three men married wives from different countries. The first man married a woman from  China .  He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning.  It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Italy . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.  The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.  By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from  Ireland .  He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.  He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

[Papa Eric]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Papa Eric]

A husband walked into a Lingerie Shop to purchase a negligee for his wife.  He was shown several possibilities that ranged from $250 to $500 in price.  He noted that the more sheer it was, the higher the price, but decided to opt for the most sheer item and paid $500.  He took it home and that evening presented it to his wife and asked her to put it on and model it for him.
 
Upstairs the wife thought to herself (she's no dummy ) 'I have an idea.  It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.  I won't put it on, I'll do the modelling naked and see if he tells the difference.  If he doesn't, I'll return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appeared naked on the balcony and struck a pose.

The husband said, “Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!”

He never even heard the shot.

[Papa Eric]

Will I Live to see 90?

Here's something to think about.


I recently picked a new primary care doctor.  After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age - (Now over 60.)   

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied..  'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,...  'Then, why do you even give a sh*t?

[Papa Eric]

British Humour:
 
 

The train was quite crowded, so the U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat.  The only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.  My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.   

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down?  I'm very tired." 

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" 

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour!  Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.  You hold the fork in the wrong hand.  You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road…… and now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[Papa Eric]

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little  ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
 
The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat.

The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look: 'That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.

'Thanks,' says the little girl.

The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.

'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says:

 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren, would I?'

[Papa Eric]

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the
forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be
yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother..
He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."

The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says
"Abracapokus! You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown except
for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the
fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very
same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic
wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact,
brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries,they remain purple He says: "My wang is still purple!"

She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but
how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... just
follow the yellow dick Toad!"

[Papa Eric]

Understanding Engineers - Take One
 
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said,
'Where did you get such a great bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own
business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took
off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'
 
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fitted you anyway.'
 
 
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
 
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
 
 
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
 
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow
group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for
fifteen minutes!'
The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!'
 
The priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
He said, 'Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost
their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play
for free anytime.'
 
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, 'That's so sad.. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and
see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'
 
 
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
 
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
 
 
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
 
The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with an arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'
 
 
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
 
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers
of the human body.
One said, 'It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'
Another said, 'No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many
thousands of electrical connections.'
The last one said, 'No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.'
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?'
 
 
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
 
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
 
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said,
'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.'
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
princess, I will stay with you for one week.'
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
 
The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay
with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.'
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
 
Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess,
and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't
you kiss me?'
 
The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a
talking frog, now that's cool.'

[Papa Eric]

The Scouser and the Gay...
 
At the end of a tiny deserted bar in Liverpool sat a scouser.  He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him. 

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the Scouser. 

Leaning over towards him, he whispered,  "Do you want a blow job?"

At this, the Scouser leaped up with fire in his eyes, and  smacked the shite  out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool.  He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat. 

Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the Scouser, and said,  "I've never seen you react like that.  What did he say to you?"

"I don't know,"  the Scouser replied.  "Something about a job."

[Leftie]

Makes you proud to live in Australia
 
 
OZ POLITICS.
 
An example to British politicians and the judiciary alike.
 
One thing about blokes from OZ is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place.
 
T.B. Bechtel, a city councillor from Newcastle, Australia, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.
 
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.
 
HIS STATEMENT.
 
‘ If hooking up one ragheaded terrorist prisoner’s testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camel shagger will just save one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,’
 
‘Red is positive and black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet.’


 

[Dangermouse]

Sad news today as it has been reported that Scotland's oldest man has died,     Aged 63

[Jules G]

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?



HUSBAND:

Definitely not!



WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?



HUSBAND:

Of course I do.



WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?



HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.



WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).



HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).



WIFE:

Would you live in our house?



HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.



WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?



HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?



WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?



HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.



WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?



HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.



WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?



HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.



WIFE:
- silence - -


HUSBAND:
F*ck ....
 

[Dangermouse]

The news today reports that Andrew LLoyd Weber has cancer..............
I hope he doesn't make a song and dance about it!

[Papa Eric]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently', she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered,  'Is that one word or two?