The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Papa Eric]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a  Xmas fancy dress party.  He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.   A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

 
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.


The man is offended that the outfit  emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.  A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

 
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

 
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.  So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.  A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

 
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.   We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

[Jules G]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients

and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much

he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt

and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.


But every now and then he'd hear an internal

reassuring voice in his head that said:


"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first

medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go."


But invariably another voice in his head

would bring him back to reality.

Whispering......

Dave.......

Dave........

..........you're a vet.

[Doris]

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &

MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.


On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheelchair.. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?  Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said...

Rang the doorbell didn't I?


Dx

[Jules G]

A White Horse walks into a pub...
The bartender serves him and says,
"This bar is named after you!"
The white horse replies, "Oh, is it called Eric?"

[LangTall]

For all the Welsh people around:

[Jules G]

After the death of Stephen Gately in his Spanish Villa, stars of the music and stage world  have been paying tribute. Ronan Keating said he was gutted, Louis Walsh said he was devastated and Micheal Barrimore said he was innocent!

[Bob U]

After the death of Stephen Gately in his Spanish Villa, stars of the music and stage world  have been paying tribute. Ronan Keating said he was gutted, Louis Walsh said he was devastated and Micheal Barrimore said he was innocent!

Hhhhmmm. Died after a night on a bender. Don't rule out Barrimore yet.

[Steve Pyro]

Lipstick in School

According to a news  report, a certain private school in Newcastle upon Tyne was recently faced with a  unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and  would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the Head Teacher decided that  something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them  there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every  night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Geordie 'Princesses').

To demonstrate how difficult it had been  to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.......and then there are educators.
 
 
 
 

[Steve Pyro]

Autumn Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Monday, September 23rd 2009

PLEASE NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM...


Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours


Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past M & S Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks..


Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM


Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program - Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM


Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.


Class 8
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.


Class 9
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.


Class 10
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined


Class 11
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

[SL]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.

[SL]

The name's just Fred.....


A US cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer
then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The
officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with
it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling.
I know -- a funny last name.
The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the
way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she
gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because
of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with
VD.

Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'


The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[Jules G]

Q: What do you call a Mexican who has just
recovered from Swine Flu?
A: Manuel.

[Jules G]

The Mule, the Dog, the Monkey & the Man

God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
And it is so ...


 

[Nordic]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night
he's doing a show in a small town in Tasmania.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his
usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th
row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with
her worth as a human being?
It's men like you who keep women like me from
being respected at work and in the community, and from
reaching our full potential as people.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination against not only blondes, but women
in general.. and all in the name of humour!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize,
and the blonde yells:
'You stay out of this mate!
I'm talking to that little sh*t on your lap!' 

[Jules G]

Man walks in to a library and asks for a book on underage dwarf sex,
the librarian says "how can you stoop so low?".
the man says "yes thats the one"