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Bob U
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« Reply #1980 on: August 28, 2009, 01:21:56 pm » |
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A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside
of the ladies dressing room for his mom to come out. While waiting,
the little boy gets bored and just when his mom comes walking out, she
sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out
of there!" she shouts.. "Don't you know that women have teeth down
there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars
he didn't get bitten.
For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have
teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend.
One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over. After an
hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says,
"You know, you could go a little further if you want."
"What do you mean?" he asks."Well, why don't you put your hand down there?"
she says, pointing to her crotch.
"HELL NO!" he cries, "You've got teeth down here!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "There's no such thing as teeth down
there!"
"Yes there are," he says, "My mom told me."
"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that,
she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that ALL women have teeth
down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws
her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down
there."
The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the
condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
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There is a corner of a foreign field that will be forever England ------ Houx Annexe
And the bastards have built on it.
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Jules G
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« Reply #1981 on: September 16, 2009, 12:58:10 pm » |
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The Bindi:
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads called a bindi..
We westerner's have always naively thought that it had something to do with
their religion. The true story has recently been revealed.
When one of these women gets married, she brings with her a dowry. On her
wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won
either :-
A corner shop,
A sub post office,
A minicab company or
A restaurant in Bradford .
If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephone enquiries from Barclays Bank customers.
Just thought you would like to know.
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Jules G
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« Reply #1982 on: September 16, 2009, 01:00:35 pm » |
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So, is it too soon to ask Whoopie Goldberg if she's heard from Patrick Swayze yet?
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landman
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« Reply #1983 on: September 16, 2009, 04:51:37 pm » |
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Patrick Swayze has started filming Ghost 2 today.
Keith Floyd is in charge of catering for the film crew.
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Crouch..........bind..........set
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landman
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« Reply #1984 on: September 16, 2009, 04:54:36 pm » |
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A young lad loses his job at the local fish & chip shop.
His dad goes to find out why...
"I found him with the potato peeler up his arse" says the shop owner.
The lad's father asks "may I see the potato peeler please?".
"No", says the shop owner, "I fired him at the same time".
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Crouch..........bind..........set
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Snoring Rhino
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« Reply #1985 on: September 16, 2009, 11:21:25 pm » |
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A friend of mine was really down and depressed, he asked me to push him in front of a train, when I did, he was chuffed to bits!!!!
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Jules G
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« Reply #1986 on: September 17, 2009, 09:51:25 am » |
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Jules, with regard to the forehead spot, is it the same with the henna marks on the brides body, are they really maps and religious symbols leading to an unspeakable treasure or fortune, ala 'Prison Break'? Just wondered  Peter don't know, I'll ask Dan Brown next time I see him. |
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Jules G
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« Reply #1987 on: September 17, 2009, 11:37:13 am » |
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A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Fancy Dress party.'
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Jules G
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« Reply #1988 on: September 17, 2009, 03:57:33 pm » |
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Cussing at Work
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
please scroll down.....
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
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nickliv
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« Reply #1989 on: September 21, 2009, 05:20:45 pm » |
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Probably a repost
A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.
"Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete! How much steel! You're going to have to think of another wish."
The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to figure out why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing', and know how to make them truly happy."
The genie paused for a while and said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"
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Jules G
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« Reply #1990 on: September 22, 2009, 10:01:05 am » |
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Three lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, “I wanna watch.”
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« Last Edit: September 23, 2009, 12:03:47 pm by Jules G »
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pretzel
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« Reply #1991 on: September 24, 2009, 09:05:57 pm » |
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Someone sent me this link so I thought I'd share it: http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/80705666/Made me laugh anyway.... |
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A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink - W.C. Fields
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Barry
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« Reply #1992 on: October 02, 2009, 05:53:00 pm » |
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Larry's in room 232 at the hospital.
Ok, you are asking who in the hell is 'Larry'.
Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says,
'Where in the hell have you been?
'Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.
''A tattoo?' she frowned.
'What kind of tattoo did you get?
''I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,'
he said proudly.
'What the hell were you thinking?! She said, shaking
her head in disgust.
> 'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar
bill Tattooed on his privates?'
Well, One, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can
stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.
Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital.
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Jules G
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« Reply #1993 on: October 05, 2009, 10:01:49 am » |
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We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:  means a smile and  is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) :-( Well, how about some 'ARSE-ICONS?' Here goes: (_!_) a regular arse (__!__) a fat arse (!) a tight arse (_*_) a sore arse {_!_} a swishy arse (_o_) an arse that's been around (_x_) kiss my arse (_X_) leave my arse alone (_zzz_) a tired arse (_E=mc2_) a smart arse (_£_) Money coming out of his arse (_?_) Dumb arse |
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Jules G
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« Reply #1994 on: October 05, 2009, 10:26:08 am » |
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This is probably a repost
Subject: Passport Application
Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.
How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?
How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?
How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?
You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!
I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.
Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!
I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...
Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.
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