The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Papa Eric]

Did you ever wonder why you never see dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? 

Ever wonder where they go? Wonder no more. 

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. 

The penguins have a very strong community bond.  They are very committed to their family and will mate for life. 

They also maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the freshly dug grave and sing....

 ..."freeze a jolly good fellow…"

 
Sorry!

[Steve Pyro]

I was in a pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I just timed my farts along with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint of beer, looked around the pub and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then, suddenly, I remembered that I was listening to my iPod   
 

[Jules G]

A Liverpudlian walks into a bank in Hope Street and asks for the loan officer.
 He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business
 for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank
will need some form of security for the loan,
so the Scouser lad hands over the keys
 and documents of new Ferrari parked
 on the street in front of the bank.
 He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.
 The loan officer agrees to accept
 the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's Manager and its officers
 all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scouser
for using a £120,000 Ferrari
 as collateral against a £5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then
 drives the Ferrari into the bank's
 underground garage and parks it there.

 Two weeks later, the Scally returns,
 repays the £5,000 and the interest,
 which comes to £15.41.
 The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
 and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
 but we are a little puzzled ..
 While you were away,
 we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
 What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000" ?

The Scouser replies:
"Where else in Liverpool can I park my car
 for two weeks for only £15.41
 and expect it to be there when I return'"

Ah, the mind of the True Scouser....
This is why they survive

[Papa Eric]

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.
he Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?' 

Of course the Madam said 'No'.
 
The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.' 

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. 

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. 

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?' 

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease. 

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'

[Papa Eric]

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED

What is the difference between girls/women aged:
8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78 ?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

[Papa Eric]

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the
bus:
 
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
 
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
 
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
 
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue
reading.
 
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is
going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take
the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be
the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able
to find your perfect mate again.
 
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS...................
 
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
 
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
 
Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'
 
HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
 
God, I just love happy endings!

[Papa Eric]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.  I have been with a loose  girl'. 
 
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?' 
 
'Yes, Father, it is.' 
 
'And who was the girl you were with?' 
 
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation' 
 
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. 
 
Was it Tina Minetti?' 
 
'I cannot say.' 
 
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 
 
'I'll never tell.' 
 
' Was it Nina Capelli?' 
 
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 
 
'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 
 
'My lips are sealed.' 
 
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?' 
 
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' 
 
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' 
 
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 
 
4 months vacation and five good leads.

[geoffd]

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS...................
 
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
 
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
 
Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

I hate to be picky, but...   Your old friend still has to drive back with your car (unless he steals it) and then you are left with the question of partner of your dreams or your old friend,  meanwhile you have got soaked. Plus your mate will then have the question in his head,  old friend who I already did a favour for by saving his life, or the good looking girl next to him,  what do you think he is going to choose?  Sooooo you end up with no girl, no car, and standing in the rain, I'd go for the "drive through the big puddle and soak em all" option personally!

[Lee Self]

Worlds shortest Fairy Tale.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and went
fishing and hunting, and played golf a lot, and drank beer and scotch, and had money in the
bank, scratched his balls and farted whenever he wanted to, and left the
toilet seat up.
                                 
The End

[BryanC]

Worlds shortest Fairy Tale.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'

Nice one Lee - and great timing.

Close shave for me then.
Made a proposal over lunch to a babe last Friday who had been divorced 14 years ( I used to date her a long time ago before that ) but she admitted to a steady relationship about an hour before this landed so I'm spared.
The m/bike comes out tonite, toilet seat is already up and off on holiday next week in the Westie, will drink beer etc. and keep money in bank.

Phew !

Stay cool

BryanC

[Bob U]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
 
The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'
 
'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.
 
'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.
 
'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't
mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
 
'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's
pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing
round this way?'
 
'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck.
'I'm a plasterer.'
 
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn
more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his
bag and proceeds to read it.
 
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids
the barman good day and leaves.
 
The same thing happens for two weeks.
 
Then one day the circus comes to town.
 
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could
be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats
sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'
 
'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
'Get him to give me a call.'
 
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey
Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money.'
 
'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'
 
'At the circus,' says the barman.
 
'The circus?' repeats the duck.
 
'That's right,' replies the barman.
 
'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'
 
'Yeah,' the barman replies.
 
'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?' says the duck.
 
'Of course,' the barman replies.
 
'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?' persists the duck.
 
'That's right!' says the barman.
 
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer???

 

[Papa Eric]

Sorry Papa E, the Thought Police deemed that one inappropriate. smokie

[Papa Eric]

The Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant,
The third man was a Chemist, and
The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......
Ate the cookies........
Drank the milk.......
Sh*t on the paper.......
Screwed the other three cats.......
Claimed he injured his back while doing so..
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......
Put in for Workers Compensation.....and
Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............
AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT ! !
 

[jpchenet]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties..
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted,
"Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said
"Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

[Papa Eric]

Its good to know the difference.