The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Jules G]

Milk Bath

JUST WHEN I THINK I'VE HEARD THE 'BEST BLONDE JOKE' EVER, ALONG COMES THIS.

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?' The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?' The blonde said, 'No, just up to my t$ts. I can splash it on my face'.

[Papa Eric]

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.

After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.

The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"

The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.

Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"

The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.

"Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"

"Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly, "That's ma'rope!"

She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.

"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"

Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"

"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

[Papa Eric]

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? '
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.'
The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, 'Hey, Bill, do me a favour, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So where does that guy go when he  leaves?'

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, 'Your house!'

[Papa Eric]

In a recent interview, America's General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf. The General said ..........

" I believe that forgiving them is God's function.  OUR job is to arrange the meeting. "

[nopanic - neil]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks. 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist and he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache."

'Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

'That's wonderful,' the husband says.

Then his wife says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years... Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, 'WOW! That was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I'll be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD!' she exclaims.

Her husband says again, 'Don't move - I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror saying,






"She's not my wife.        She's not my wife.          She's not my wife."  

[Papa Eric]

The Politicians' Poem

I want a floating duck house
I want to clear my moat
I need to mend my tennis court
That’s why I need your vote.
 
I have to build a portico
My swimming pool needs mending
My lovely plants need horse manure
And the Aga needs much tending
 
A chandelier is vital
Mock Tudor boards are great
My hanging baskets won awards
And I’ve earned a tax rebate.
 
I need a glitter toilet seat.
My piano so needs tuning
Maltesers help me stay awake
And my orchard must need pruning
 
I could have said the rules were wrong
And often thought I should,
But somehow it was easier
To profit all I could
 
The public really have to see
That the rules are there to test
And by defrauding taxpayers
We were just doing our best
 
The Speaker of the House has gone,
Our sacrificial beast,
But the public are still braying
For our corpses at the feast
 
What do the public want from us,
Those vote-wielding ingrates?
They really should be grateful
To be financing our estates.
 
The message is so very clear,
(we’re  merely learning late)
That the British way of living well
Is to screw the bloody state.

[Leftie]

Great letter in the Daily Telegraph the other day which read:

"Now that Gordon Brown's administration is to take over the East Coast main line, should the 10am Kings' Cross to Edinburgh be renamed the Lying Scotsman?".

[Jules G]

Teaching Maths, where did it all go wrong?



* Teaching Maths *

Teaching maths in 1970

1. A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?


2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?


3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80.

How much was his profit?


4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20..

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds
and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a
measly profit of £20.


6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be
offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the
felling license. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach
of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could
cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without
incident however he does not have the correct certificate of
competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual
criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all
government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined
another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he
returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on
his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for
harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100.
While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell
it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of
squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of
rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that
failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is
an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution,
breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal
costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make
£20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the
state for the rest of his life?


7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a
loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their
money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime
mortgages in Iceland and lost the lot with only some government money
left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and
the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry
however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions
regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put
it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and
send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves
and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is
easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their
holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh
girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a
bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is
forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as
bonus's are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out
and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D
8ج من
الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

[Papa Eric]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
 
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
 
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
 
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
 
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
 
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
 
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
 
'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k? '

[Jules G]

The Deaf  Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It  was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything  that he might have to testify about in court.

When the  Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10  million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million  bucks he embezzled from me is.'
The attorney, using sign  language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper  signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about.'
The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.'
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!'
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!
 The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is  in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !'
The  Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?'
The  attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the guts to pull the  trigger.'

[Papa Eric]

Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London.  One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a Rabbi sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'

 ‘Don't get up,' said the Rabbi, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I’ll get it for you.'  As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Rabbi’s shoe and spat in it.

When the Rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.'  Again, the Rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the rabbi’s other shoe and spat in it.

When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.  As the plane was landing, the Rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors . . .

'Why does it have to be this way?
How long must this go on . . . ?
This fighting between our nations . . . ?
This hatred . . . ?
This animosity . . . ?

............. This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes'

[Papa Eric]

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy  missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!


A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'


Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses &  lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'


Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!


Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not  servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!


Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like  mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off..
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'


Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'


Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London !'


An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past &  stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick twits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!'

[Papa Eric]

Little Bobby went to his father and said, 'Dad, the teacher gave us an
assignment to determine the difference between 'potentially' and
'realistically', Can you help me?'.

The father thought for a moment, then said, 'Go ask your mother if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask
your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, then
come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So little Bobby went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course I would! we could really use that money to fix up the house
and send you kids to a great University!'

Next he asked his sister, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars?'

'Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat,
are you nuts?'

Then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' he said, 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

Little Bobby pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
'Well', his father said, 'Did you find out the difference?'.

Little Bobby replied, 'Yes....... 'potentially', you and I are sitting
on three million dollars.............. but 'realistically', ........
we're living with two slags and a poofter.'

[Papa Eric]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her new daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to come home.

Finally, her husband arrived home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

[Steve Pyro]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends..



Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.



Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.