The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Papa Eric]

A little light relief. . . .

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop w*nking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a c*ck like that."

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother.. "He's taken her appendix out!"

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh*t."

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

[Papa Eric]

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said
that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males
employed there.  She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male
pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that
he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of
professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent
erection.   It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what
you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is,
1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.

[Papa Eric]

Interesting anagrams

DORMITORY: 
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:   BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:   MOON STARER

DESPERATION:  A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:   THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE  : HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:   CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS:   LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:   ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:   IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:   THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:   TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: 

MOTHER-IN-LAW:   WOMAN HITLER

[Papa Eric]

In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as "English Weather."
Rather than offend a sizable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as "Muslim Weather."

In other words - partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

[Papa Eric]

SPANISH COMPUTERS


A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns
are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa'.
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz'.

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender - 'la computadora' - because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your money on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine - 'el computador' - because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that had you waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

THE WOMEN WON

[Papa Eric]

What goes wrong when someone who is ESL (English as a second language) writes the punch line for Gaviscon...

[Jules G]

IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN.

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc


Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister!

WARNINGS: -

* The consumption of  Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Sauvignon may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

* The consumption of Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit!

Now Just Imagine What You Could Achieve With a Good Dry Merlot!!!
 
 
 

[Doris]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy chocolate with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop eating chocolate years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
 
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
 
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS?' replied the homeless woman, 'I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and chocolate.' 
 

[Robbo]

Bloke goes into a brothel in Rome and asks "How much for humiliation?"

The madam replies "£37.50"

"What do I get for that?" replies the bloke

The madam retorts "A fu@#ing Man United shirt!"

[Papa Eric]

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age,
in a small coastal Irish community.
 
After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed
during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled
to a climax ........once in a while..
 
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since
there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't
have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and
father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was   having difficulty
breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.
     
So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big
towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would
cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
     
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big
towel over them as the Vet  suggested.  After many efforts, Maggie still
had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to
change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy
waved  the big towel.
     
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming,
ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a
half hours.
     
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a
boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a feckin' towel!'

[Papa Eric]

A Solicitor parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Solicter grabs his mobile and calls the police.
 
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'
 
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Solicitors are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'
 
'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.
 
The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'
 
The Solicitor looks down in horror.


  'F***ING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex?...'

[sceetum]

Does anyone know any welders? 

There's an open top bus in Manchester that needs its roof putting back on !!

[Jules G]

CREATIVE PUNS FOR "EDUCATED MINDS"

-The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
-I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
-She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
-A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
-The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
-No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
-A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
-A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
-Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
-Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
-A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
-Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
-Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
- wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
-A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
-A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
-A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
-The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
-The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
-A backward poet writes inverse.
-In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
-When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
-Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

[Robspot]

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan, Jim

[Papa Eric]

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to
the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car
behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he
floored it to 180kmh,then 220 then 240kmh. Suddenly, he thought, "What on
earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the
side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the
BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes.
Todayis Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason
why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years
ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her
back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman