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geoffd
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« Reply #1890 on: May 02, 2009, 08:15:18 am » |
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I just called the swine flu helpline... ...but all I heard was crackling.  Beat me to it! Went to a great Mexican Restaurant last night, we had Chilli Contageous... |
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Of course I buy green cars, my Aston is green, my MGB is green, my Disco Sport is green, oh, that's not what you meant by green?
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landman
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« Reply #1891 on: May 02, 2009, 08:28:17 am » |
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The cure for Swine Flu is rumoured to be in the form of an oinkment
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Crouch..........bind..........set
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Papa Eric
CA Veteran
Full Member
 Offline
Posts: 176
Team Eric
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« Reply #1892 on: May 02, 2009, 08:15:42 pm » |
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On place names, if I remember correctly in Tortola, British Virgin Islands (though it was many years ago) there was a place called "Poor Man's Bottom". Of course that was near the coast at sea level, however it had a sign pointing up hill to "Upper Poor Man's Bottom" which amused me no end  |
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Lord Steve
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« Reply #1893 on: May 03, 2009, 05:29:26 pm » |
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Someone once said that if a black president was ever elected pigs would fly. And now, a 100 days late............ swine flew!
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I tested negative for patience.
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nickliv
Guest
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« Reply #1894 on: May 03, 2009, 08:24:21 pm » |
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I came out in rashers, however, following the deft application of a little oinkment, I was cured
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Jules G
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« Reply #1895 on: May 05, 2009, 10:02:16 am » |
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The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
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Papa Eric
CA Veteran
Full Member
Offline
Posts: 176
Team Eric
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« Reply #1896 on: May 05, 2009, 03:36:04 pm » |
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Frank feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he talked to the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there was a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, Frank's wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Frank, for the FIFTH bloody time, CHICKEN!'
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Jules G
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« Reply #1897 on: May 07, 2009, 04:55:31 pm » |
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PARENT- Job Description
How True!
If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!
POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college/university will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more..
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
and finally.........
'THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!
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Jules G
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« Reply #1898 on: May 11, 2009, 01:02:23 pm » |
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THE LODGER
A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She as ked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her
They didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
'Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts', she said, so the
Girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled
The bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her
Husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said, 'Next week I'll leave a gap in the
Curtains so that you can see for yourself'.
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
Asked, 'Do you shave?'
'No', replied the girl. 'I've just never grown any hairs down there.
Do you have hairs?'
'Oh yes', said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked, 'Did you see it?'
'Yes', he said. 'But why the hell did you have to show her yours?'
'Why not?' she said. 'You've seen it all before.'
'I know', he said, 'but the f*cking darts team hadn't'!
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Jules G
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« Reply #1899 on: May 11, 2009, 01:02:45 pm » |
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Subject: "YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TALIBAN IF..."
The US troops in Afghanistan proved they have retained their sense of humour, one of them sent this.
"YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbour's goat.
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Papa Eric
CA Veteran
Full Member
Offline
Posts: 176
Team Eric
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« Reply #1900 on: May 12, 2009, 01:31:46 am » |
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An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses...
He said no, but he had told a donkey to f*ck off once
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Nordic
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« Reply #1901 on: May 14, 2009, 03:40:35 pm » |
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Coincidence?
Don't know if this is just a coincidence but....
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.
Has any one else noticed this?
It gets worse........ next year......
2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?
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Some people will tell you that slow is good - and it may be, on some days - but I am here to tell you that fast is better.
H S Thompson 1937 - 2005
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Bob U
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« Reply #1902 on: May 15, 2009, 09:54:02 am » |
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If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu , please ignore it.
It’s just Spam.
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There is a corner of a foreign field that will be forever England ------ Houx Annexe
And the bastards have built on it.
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Gilles
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« Reply #1903 on: May 15, 2009, 03:37:50 pm » |
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Coincidence?
2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?
Cock is the symbol of the French national teams; maybe you Brits will eventually win next Rugby plays !!!!  |
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Le Mans is life, anything before and after is just waiting...
... it's not the taking part but the winning that counts !
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Snoring Rhino
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« Reply #1904 on: May 15, 2009, 04:33:55 pm » |
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Coincidence?
2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?
Cock is the symbol of the French national teams; maybe you Brits will eventually win next Rugby plays !!!! Now now Giles be nice, it might just happen (again), I seem to remember a good game the last time we played the French.... |
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