The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Nordic]

A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...
 
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?

'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that   question a thousand times before.   She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' s ays the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll   need all your children's names.'   

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'

'OK, and who's next?'

'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through   the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.   Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.   'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they   ALL named Terri?' 

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to   get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An'
When it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
Runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell   'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin'   them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead   and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and   not the whole bunch?'   

'I call them by their surnames!

[Bob U]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan . Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.

Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.

Britain , not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis.

[Jules G]

Colonoscopy, Dave Berry .....

 

 

 

 

 This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy

 journal:

 

 I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to

 make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in

 his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a

 lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one

 point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

 

 Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in

 a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded

 thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,

 because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING

 TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

 

 I left Andy's office with some written instructions,

 and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'

 which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.

 I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it

 to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of

America's enemies.

 

 I spent the next several days productively sitting around

 being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I

 began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I

 didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was

 chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less

 flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the moviPrep.

 

 You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter

 plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For

 those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32

 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes

 about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am

 being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal

 cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

 

 The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by

 somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you

 drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may

 result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump

 off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground..

 

 Movi Prep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be

 too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle

 launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with

 you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the

 commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much

 confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate

 everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally

 empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which

 point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the

 future and start eliminating food that you have not even

 eaten yet.

 

 After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

 The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very

 nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I

 had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep

 spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on

 Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something

 like that? Flowers would not be enough.

 

 At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging

 that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck

 the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other

 colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained

 space and took off my clothes and put on one of those

 hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind

 that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked

 than when you are actually naked.

 

 Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein

 in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie

 was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told

 me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I

 was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I

 pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to

 make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in

 full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn

 your house.

 

 When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the

 procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an

 anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I

 knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was

 seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my

 left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something

 up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the

 room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing

 Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the

 songs that could be playing during this particular

 procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least

 appropriate.

 

 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from

 somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it

 was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a

 decade.. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I

 am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it

 was like.

 

 I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment,

 ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the

 tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the

 other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was

 looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt

 excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that

 It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying

 colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

 

 ABOUT THE WRITER

 

 Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist

 for the MiamiHerald. On the subject of Colonoscopies...

 Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the

 exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the

 following are actual comments made by his patients

 (predominately male) while he was performing their

 colonoscopies:

 

 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where

 no man has gone before!

 

 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

 

 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

 

 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there

 yet?'

 

 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally

 married.'

 

 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

 

 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left

 hand out...'

 

 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

 

 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

 

 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my

 dignity.'

 

 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron,

 didn't you?'

 

 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

 

 And the best one of all.

 

 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that

 my head is not up there?'

 

 

[Jules G]

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,

'No wonder this baby is underweight; you don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came !

[Papa Eric]

Chicken Surprise
 
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
 
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
 
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
 
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
 
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
 
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
 
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'

[BryanC]

NASA have just put a new space module into orbit manned by two chimps and a female astronaut.

Space enthusiasts have been monitoring the radio messages :

NASA to Chimp #1
Check all life support systems, recalibrate booster rockets and compute orientation to align with docking station in 23  hours 16 minutes 14 seconds time.

NASA to Chimp #2
Verify oxygen levels, adjust filters, modify fuel flow using differential calculus formulae, rotate space module 16.3 degrees to allow observation of sun flares at 04:56:23 and take navigation sightings to correct module trajectory.

NASA to Female Astronaut
Hoover module floor, clean windows, feed monkeys and don't touch any buttons.
 

[Jules G]

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license.  It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
 
Because you got an F in sex."

[smokie]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girls’ nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. .. my wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''

[Steve Pyro]

Not a joke, but a reflection of society today!

The Haircut

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week”. The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a “thank you” card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a policeman comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week. The policeman is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a “thank you” card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for his at his door.
Later that day, a university professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week. The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a “thank you” card and a dozen different books, such as “How to Improve Your Business” and “Becoming More Successful”.
Then a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.” The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament, lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.

[Nordic]

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told

his wife, Carolyn, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours

to live.


Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.


Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said,

'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we

could make love again?'


Carolyn agreed and again they made love.


Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now

had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's

shoulder and said,


'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'


She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.


Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he

tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.



He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up..

'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'


His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,

'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny but ….


…. I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'

[Leftie]

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...


Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
         

[Lawnmower Man]

Pay attention Leftie!

That was  first posted by Bob U Wed 18 Oct 2006 13:09:37 CEST
Then much to my embarrassment a second time by me on Tue 24 Feb 2009 17:12:37.

t.

[Leftie]

With currently 127 pages of good and lesser jokes.

You are bound to get duplicates.

There are so many 'manufactured' jokes, so they are bound to be repeated whatever happens.

|Person nally I don't particulary car, but would obviously prefer unheard jokes that are funny.

[Lawnmower Man]

Oppps   I forgot the Smileys.     

t.

[Jules G]

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS


One day God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have some Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

 

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

 

'Can you give us an example?'

 

'Thou shall not kill.'

 

'Not kill?    We're not interested.'

 

So He went to the blacks and said, 'I have some Commandments.'

 

The blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

 

'Father?  We don't know who our fathers are.   We're not interested.'

 

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have some Commandments.'

 

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

 

'Not steal?   We're not interested.'

 

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have some commandments.'

 

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

 

'Not commit adultery?   We're not interested.'

 

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have some Commandments.'

 

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

 

'They're free.'

 

'We'll take 10.'

 

There, that should offend just about everybody.