Colonoscopy, Dave Berry .....
This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy
journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to
make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in
his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a
lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one
point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in
a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded
thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,
because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING
TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions,
and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'
which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.
I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it
to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of
America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around
being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I
began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I
didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was
chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the moviPrep.
You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter
plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For
those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes
about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am
being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal
cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by
somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you
drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may
result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump
off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground..
Movi Prep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be
too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle
launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with
you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much
confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate
everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally
empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which
point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the
future and start eliminating food that you have not even
eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very
nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I
had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep
spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on
Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something
like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging
that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck
the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other
colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained
space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind
that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked
than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein
in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie
was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told
me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I
was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to
make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in
full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn
your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I
knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was
seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my
left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something
up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the
room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing
Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the
songs that could be playing during this particular
procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least
appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from
somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it
was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a
decade.. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I
am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it
was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment,
ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the
tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the
other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was
looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that
It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying
colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist
for the MiamiHerald. On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the
exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the
following are actual comments made by his patients
(predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where
no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there
yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally
married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left
hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my
dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron,
didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all.
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that
my head is not up there?'
