The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Nordic]

A SQUIRRELS TALE

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the
cold.

THE END


THE U.K. VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference
and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and
starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper;
with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a
table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so,
while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with
breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall
Overcome".

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the
squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate
tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the
charge for squirrels to enter inner London .

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed.

He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders
for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt
when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish
it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially
mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy
members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building
a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary
home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried
to blow up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and
attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned
because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise
and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council
house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house.

He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since
arrival in UK .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.

He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise
him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state
the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is
increased.

The asylum-seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching
Britain 's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government
for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press
blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of
prison.

They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the
burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their
credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and
order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

[Leftie]

Rup,

Bloody brilliant mate. Just sums up this once great country.

[Perdu]

truly brilliant!

sadly it might NOT count as a joke...

I can't get myself to laugh


he he

but at least, a chuckle

 

[Brian(Liverpool boys)]

 Such caring Aussies

Bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night

wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a

couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some

really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young

Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in

the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was

dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit

of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks

what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few

really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so

we've

brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or

five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all

that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill

here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there

and pull her up again! '

[landman]

Day 2 in heaven, and Jade Goody has already been nominated for eviction.

[Leftie]

Day 2 in heaven, and Jade Goody has already been nominated for eviction.

I'm sure you ment HELL as my mate Satan wouldn't put up with her here. We have intelligence down here

If she could sweet talk the Brit public, she stands a chance with St. Peter in my view.





From an earlier posting:-

An Engineer passes away sudenly and St. Peter wouldn't let him in.
So he goes down to Hell.

After a while, he meets Satan and puts a few proposals to him to make things a bit more comfortable down there.

So, after a few weeks, they have running water, flush loos and airconditioning.

After a few months, they have a tramway and a monrail up and working.

God 'phones up Satan regarding thier bi-annual meeting and Satan suggests he hosts the meeting.

God arrives down and is amazed at what he saw. So he asks Satan whats going on?

Satan replies saying that God sent an Engineer down and he did all this.

God says, 'It must have been a mistake, we want him back'.

Satan declines,

God said, ' Its obviously a mistake, I'll swap a few from there for him'

Satan declines the generous offer.

God Said, ' I'll sue you'.

Satan replies, ' and where the f**k are you going to find a lawyer!'

[dukla]

Max Clifford (Jade Goody's publicist) has announced that after her funeral on 4 April her body will be cremated. The ashes will be placed in small bags and 1 given to each person who attends the funeral.









  Goody Bags 

[nickliv]

I went to the garden centre last weekend, and bought some Goth grass seed.

Apparently it's like normal grass, but it cuts itself.

[DelBoy]

How can you tell that an earthquake is coming?

There is an advance warning system which you may not be aware.

 

Next time you are at the beach it pays to be observant

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Del

[Papa Eric]

For all  Who Work With Rude Customers, ! 

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney
some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point,
When confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,

'I HAVE to  be  on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.

The attendant replied,
'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out..'

The passenger was unimpressed.
He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,

'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:

'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!'

Without flinching, she smiled and said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.

[Papa Eric]

INVOLUNTARY MUSCULAR CONTRACTIONS

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in
the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while
you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

[jpchenet]

 The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support
 Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are
 genuine
 excerpts from the forms. - Be sure to check number 11, It takes the prize.

 1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered
 by
 Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I
 believe that he was conceived on the same night.

 2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
 sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide
 you
 with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

 3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
 conceived
 at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met
 that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you
 do
 manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number?
 Thanks.

 4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
 that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps
 you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it
 replaced.

 5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
 confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is
 Christ risen again.

 6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do
 so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for
 the
 British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the
 country. Please advise.

 7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the
 same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

 8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can
 you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

 9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney;
 maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

 10. So mush about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
 sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If
 I'd
 have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146
 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

 11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after  all
 when
 you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

[geoffd]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.  The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger?"
"In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.  What is your 1st request?" 

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. 

Later that evening,  Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. 
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.  "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your 2nd request?" 


The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought  to  him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.  As before,  Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. 

Later that evening,  to the Chief's surprise,  Silver again returns,  this time with a voluptuous brunette,  more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again  impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow." 
"What is your LAST request?" 
The Lone Ranger responds,  "I'd like to speak to my horse,  ....  alone." 
The Chief is curious,   but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone,  the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
Listen Very Carefully!
FOR... THE... LAST.... TIME...
I SAID ..
 
"BRING  POSSE"

[Papa Eric]

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny
And an orphaned snake. By coincidence both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and tripped over the snake
And fell down.

'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
I've been blind since birth and can't see where I'm going. In fact, since
I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.'

'That's ok,' replied the snake. 'Actually, I too, have been blind since
Birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither
All over you, and figure out what you are so you'll know.
'That would be wonderful' replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered
With soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a
Soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'

'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my
Paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.'

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're smooth and
Slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.
I'd say you must be a someone in Senior management.

[SL]

Two quite elderly gentlemen were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The elder had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The other was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

He replied, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the guy stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves. By the time you get to the fifth loaf, it'll be hard."

He mumbled to himself, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this sh*t but me."