The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Lawnmower Man]

Women Drivers
A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying b***d told you I was speeding, too.


Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

[Werner]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.

'Can I help you Sir?'

'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr', the man replies.

The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'

'It wasss on the en d of thisshh key', the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....

'Holy sh*t! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

[Papa Eric]

A  group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed  to Nursery.

The  biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted  on NO baby talk!  You need to use 'Big People' words,'  she was always reminding  them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend? 

'I  went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your  GRANDMOTHER. Use  'Big People' words!'

She  then asked Mitchell what he had done

'I  took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride  on a TRAIN. You  must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then  asked little Alex what he had done?

'I  read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher  said.  'What  book did you read?'

Alex  thought real hard about it, then  puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, 'Winnie  the sh*t'

[Papa Eric]

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
 
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.  She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate',  so she called on him for his offering..

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried

[nickliv]

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.'

The interview ended at that point.

[nickliv]

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist.

'Come now,'
coaxed the doctor,
'you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me.'

'This one's kind of strange...'

'Let me be the judge of that,'
The doctor replied.

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p?s in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again,

Plink-plink-plink, and there were 10p?s and this morning there were 50p?s !
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored,

'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynaecologist put a comforting
Hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'




(Ready for this?)






(I'm warning you.....go back now ...........................)






(Still not too late....)















'You're simply going through the change!

[Papa Eric]

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, `I think I`m going to divorce my wife.  She hasn`t spoken to me for over two months.`

Dave slowly sips his beer then thoughtfully says, `You better think it over Bob. Women like that are hard to find.`

[jpchenet]

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the misbehaving that was going on. So he called one of  his angels to go to Earth for a time.
When he returned, the angel told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

No?

Okay,  just checking. I didn't get one either . . ..

[Jules G]

Irish Coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in

reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'



'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when

you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it

a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'



It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as

to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!

T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'



'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.



'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was

almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with

his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups

and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and

there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an

absolute nightmare!'



'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband

provided wasn't good?'



'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm

sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Papa Eric]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement ,swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" 

The guy says "No, what?" 

The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"   

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the
monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey  did now?"he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy. 

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender. 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[Jules G]

Harley-Davidson Facts   The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, ArthurDavidson, died and went to heaven.At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good manand your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang outwith anyone you want to in heaven.'Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang outwith God.'St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one whoinvented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah,that's me...'God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing somethingthat's pretty unstable, makes noise and
 pollution and can't run withouta road?'Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren'tyou the inventor of woman?' God said, 'Ah, yes.''Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have somemajor design flaws in your invention 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust5. The maintenance costsare outrageous!!!!        'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'holdon.'God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited forthe results.The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur,'but according to
 these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

[jpchenet]

MARRIAGE PROPOSAL FROM LAHORE EXTREMELY FUNNY

A marriage proposal  from Lahore,  Punjab . don't laugh,  dead serious!
Madam :I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Lahore .
Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.
I am a soiled son from inside Punjab .

I am nice and big, six foot tall, and six inches long.

My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly.

I am playing hardly also.

Especially I like cricket, and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller.

Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running.
Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone.
I am jolly. I am gay.

Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft.
I am always giving respect to the ladies.

I am always allowing ladies to get on top that is how nice I am.

I am not having any bad habits.

I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else.

Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything.
Daily I am pumping and pumping.

If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you.

I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only.

What to do ? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday.
 
That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand.

If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day.

In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim.

If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come.

So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope.

I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

 Expecting soon

Yours and only yours

Choudhary Warraich, born by mother in Okara and become big in Lahore ,      Punjab

[Bob U]

Peter, given thr circumstances, that is black humour at its finest. Good to see that you are keeping your spirits up.

[Papa Eric]

A girl goes on holiday to Jamaica. The first evening  she meets a local man and, after a night of passionate love making, she asks him, "What is your name?"

"I can't tell you," the man says.

Every night they meet and every night  she asks him again what his name is, and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Will you please, please tell me your name?"

"I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the man.

"There is no reason for me to laugh at you,"  the girl says.

"OK, my name is Snow!" the man replies. The girl bursts out laughing and the man gets annoyed and says, "I knew you would make fun of it."

She replies, "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm just thinking that my friends in work won't believe me when I tell them that I got 10 inches of Snow every day of my holiday in Jamaica!"

[Leftie]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of Wentworthl golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
'Sure', they said, 'You're welcome.'

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.'

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!!

Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her. He's naked, too!!!'

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate for you, £1000 every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.

Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.'
          Please note, although no boardcode and smiley buttons are shown, they are still useable