The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[smokie]

Tommy Cooperisms - I know some are repeats...

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. '

'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.'

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'. The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners

'So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said, 'You are.'

'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' , so he gave me a kite.

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.'

I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids!

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house'. He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

'I became a member of The Secret Seven. It's so secret, I don't even know who the other six are... '

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road

A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out. Man says, Why?  The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours'

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.  The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ' This is unusual' .And the dentist said to me ' Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet. '

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.  And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.  It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin.

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome' - 'Is it common?' - 'It's not unusual.'

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

'So I said to the doctor'. ' People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball. 'The doctor said 'Howzat?' I said, 'don't you start'.

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'.  She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

'I got up just like that, well it could of been like that, but, no it was like that.... anyway I leapt up, and I opened the door in my pyjamas, It's a funny place to have a door I know'.

"Man went into a bar. He went 'Ouch'. It was an iron bar."

"Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied 'There's no (h)arm in it' "

So I went to the dentist. He said, 'Say Aaah. 'I said, 'Why?' He said, 'My dog's died.'

A man goes to the Psychiatrists and the Psychiatrist says: 'What's the problem' The man says, 'I think I'm becoming a kleptomaniac. 'The Psychiatrist says, 'Here take these tablets and if you're no better in a week' ..... 'Bring me a colour TV'.

I went to buy a ticket on the train to go to France.The agent said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well, I've been on the telly; but I'm no Dean Martin.'

So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Arthur's Close'. He said, 'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'. I said 'Why not?'.
He said 'We don't give him any'

I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer.

My wife phoned me just before the show and said,'I've got water in the carburetor,I said 'Where's the car' She said 'In the river'

I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

"I was nearly a step-child, my Mother said she would have left me on someone's doorstep if she'd had half a chance."

"My mother was always pulling my leg, that's why one is six inches longer than the other."

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.....

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas! It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then"

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

For the scientifically minded. A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.  I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'  The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'  I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.  They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!  I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said 'No, I've got china in my hand.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.  'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.'  I said 'No, just a watch.

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?  I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.  I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.'  He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.  He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.  She said, 'Are you having me on?'  I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?'  He said, 'He's not your type.'  I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?'  'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.

So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst into tears, I said "do you recognise the tune?", he said "I recognise the ivory".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".  

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

You see my next door neighbor worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled a mussel.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right the steaks are too high."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

[Papa Eric]

Little Johnny's at it again.....

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.  'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'

[Papa Eric]

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely man.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Cherie Blair.
That evening, the man brought Cherie to the evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and
leaned over to Cherie and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Cherie batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could
do for him.

He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

[Papa Eric]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.   The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunken guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I didn't, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out  there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?   I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.   He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
 
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
 
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
 
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
 
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
 
'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk...

[Papa Eric]

Bran Muffins
   
The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.  Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. 

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now.' 

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied.  'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.  This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.   

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.  'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.   This is Heaven!'                                                       

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'   

'Never again.  All you do here is enjoy yourself.'                                                   

 The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bran muffins.  We could have been here ten years ago!'         

[Papa Eric]

Man sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He concludes that because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

He decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby, he trusts, impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and states the Delta Airlines motto: "We love to fly and it shows"

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks of another.

He leans forward again and this time delivers the Air France motto: "Winning the hearts of the world"

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this third time quoting the Malaysian Airlines motto: " Going beyond expectations"

The woman straightens herself up, looks at him sternly and demands:

"What the f*ck do you want?"

"Ah!" the man says, sitting back with a knowing smile on his face.

"Ryanair"

[nickliv]

Smokie

Most of those jokes are actually Tim Vines.

[smokie]

Smokie

Most of those jokes are actually Tim Vines.

Yeah, I thought some were a bit modern for TC.

[Jules G]

Thirteen year old dad Alfie Patten has joined the fathers for justice. He doesn't understand the politices but he's made up with the spiderman costume......

[Jules G]

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7.. A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy sh*t! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play

with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're

too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,

'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

[termietermite]

He Said, I Said
>  He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing
>  to
> put in it.
> I said to him . . . You wear pants don 't you?
>
> He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
> I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit
> on
> the sofa and fart!
>
> He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
> gave you?
> I said to him . ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
>
> He said to me. ...... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
> I said to him .. . They don't have time
>
> He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet
> paper?
> I said to him .. . We don't know; it has never happened.
>
> He said to me. .. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
> caring
> and Good- looking?
> I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
>
> I said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every
> night?
> He said. . . A widow.
>
> He said to me . . Why are m arried women heavier than single women?
> I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and
> go
> to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[nickliv]

Not really a joke as such, but it made oi larf. Particularly as a large proportion of yesterday afternoon I was involved with the SAR effort.

The helicopter which ditched in the North Sea last night, was still afloat this morning, albeit upside down, and minus part of its tailboom. A nearby ship had a crane of sufficient capacity to lift it onto the boat.

A risk assessment was undertaken which lasted for 5 hours

During which time the helicopter sank.   

[Steve Pyro]

Excellent Nick.  Don't you just love health and safety 

[Bob U]

The Gords prayer



GORDON BROWN IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT WORK.

HE LEADETH ME BESIDE THE STILL FACTORIES.

HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY.

HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT.

YEA, THOUGH I WAIT FOR MY DOLE,

I OWN THE BANK THAT REFUSES ME.

BROWN HAS ANNOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,

MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME,

SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF HIS TERM.

FROM HENCE FORTH WE WILL LIVE ALL THE DAYS

OF OUR LIVES IN A RENTED HOME WITH AN OVERSEAS LANDLORD.

I AM GLAD I AM BRITISH,

I AM GLAD I AM FREE.

BUT I WISH I WERE A DOG

AND BROWN WAS A TREE.

[Barry]

A guy goes in an adult store in Leeds and asks for an
 Inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'
Customer says, 'Female.'

 Counter guy asks, 'Black or white'?
 Customer says, 'White.'

Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?

 Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'