The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Jules G]

The radio announcer said, 'We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through'.

 

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

 

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the

odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.'

 

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

 

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...' Then the

power went out.

 

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face, she says.......'Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I

need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?'

 

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says... 'Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?'

[Andy Zarse]

Hilarious!

PS Can anyone convert it to JPEG or similar?

[Papa Eric]

Think this is it .. . .

[Papa Eric]

Adult   Riddles
 
Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?

A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

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Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

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Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

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Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

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Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

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Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe s * x?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

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Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

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Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.

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Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

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Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

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Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

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Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

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Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

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Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.

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Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

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Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

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Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have balls to scratch!

[Jules G]

US Air's emergency ditching into the Hudson River in NY was no accident. It was a Canadian terrorist activity.

See below for photographic proof.

http://

[Papa Eric]

SMART ARSE ANSWERS.....

6th  Place

It  was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you  like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the
front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she  replied.



5th  Place

A  flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check  tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and  he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'


4th  Place

A  lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she  couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing  assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, '  I'm afraid not, they're dead.'


3rd  Place

The policeman got out of  his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've  been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes,  well I got here as fast  as  I could.'


2nd  Place

A  lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that  read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was  directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for  miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of  his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the  driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was  delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!'


SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR  2008

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her  pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate  any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The teachers response....
 
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'

[Papa Eric]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about 50 pounds ?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the 50.00 pounds and handed it to her along with a fiver tip.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a porch, it's a Lexus.'

[Jules G]

Chinese Wonder cream

[Papa Eric]

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new European Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History'.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his  hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'  Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.

'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now who said that?'

Again Chandrasekhar says 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little sh*t. If you say anything else I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004.'

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor someone said, 'Oh sh*t, we're f*cked!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007.

[Papa Eric]

A bra for that special night out!!!

[Papa Eric]

Early gay signs?

[Papa Eric]

The best tattoo ever . . . .

[Jules G]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there. 

[nickliv]

http://edinburgh.gumtree.com/edinburgh/30/31965230.html

[Leftie]

Johnny wanted s*x with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
Her and said, 'I'll give you a £100 if you let me
Scr*w you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
The floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
Time you pick it up. '

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
To consult her boyfriend... So she called her
Boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for £200, pick up the
Money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down.'

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
Goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
Girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
Asks what happened.
She responded, 'The b*stard used coins!'


Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting scr*wed!