The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Doris]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...... On one condition'

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse.  She pressed it into the man's hand along with her address,  looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....






'Clean my house.'

[termietermite]

The  couple were 85 years old and had been married  for sixty years.  Though they were far from  rich, they managed to get by because they  watched their pennies.

Though not young,  they were both in very good health, largely due  to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and  exercise for the last decade.
One day, their  good health didn't help when they went on a rare  vacation and their plane crashed, sending them  off to Heaven.
 
They reached the  pearly gates, and St.Peter escorted them inside.   He took them to a beautiful mansion,  furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully  stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master  bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their  favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped  in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to  Heaven.  This will be your home now.' 

The old man asked  Peter how much all this was going to cost.   'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember,  this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man  looked out the window and right there he saw a  championship golf course, finer and more  beautiful than any ever built on  Earth.. 
'What  are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man. 
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied.   'You can play free, every  day.' 

Next they went to  the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch,  with every imaginable cuisine laid out before  them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts,  free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,'  said St. Peter to the man.  This is Heaven,  it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old  man looked around and glanced nervously at his  wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low  cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,'  he asked. 
That's  the best part,' St. Peter replied.  'You  can eat and drink as much as you like of  whatever you like and you will never get fat or  sick.   
This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed,  'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you  want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my  sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again.   All you do here is enjoy  yourself.' 
                                             
The  old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and  your f....ing bran Flakes, we could have  been here ten years ago!'

Sorry if this is a duplicate - I have not kept up.

[LangTall]

Two tall trees are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them.
One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
One of the tall trees says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

[Bob U]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side..

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
Done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
Never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
To the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
Pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
Front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
Still think they are sexy.

[TobyAnscombe]

[Smokie - feel free to remove if to warped]

[Dangermouse]

Just bought an advent calendar from Woolworths.
The windows are boarded up and there's nowt inside! 

[Jules G]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders and the man says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. That will be £9.40 please,' she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.

 

For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,' says the man. 'Yep! Same,' says the ostrich.

 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be £24.60.' Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket everytime?'

 

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

 

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would wish for a couple of million or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

 

'That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

 

The waitress asks, 'But, sir, what's with the ostrich?'

 

The man sighs, pauses, and replies, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

[Jules G]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane ?

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.'   He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says,  'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to sh*t all over the place.

The first man is really amazed by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on now?'
 
The agent nervously replies,
 
'He just found a bomb !'

[Jules G]

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever Eastern European scam while out shopping.
Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.
They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look especially with all the rain we have been having.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case Lidl in
Cheadle Heath.
You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them
climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th.
Also November 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.

So Be Warned!

P.S. Lidl have wallets on sale for £2.99 each.

 

[Jules G]

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
 And always be my very best friend.

 A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with huge boobs and a nice ass who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.

The End

[dukla]

Please accept with no obligation, implied or otherwise, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all… and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures, and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes of himself/herself or others, and is void where prohibited by Law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever is the sooner and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wishee further agrees to indemnify and hold harmless the wisher along with his/her heirs and assigns.

[nopanic - neil]

Things you find on the web,

A few weeks ago, a guy moved into the apartment across from me. I know little about him apart from the fact that he owns cane furniture as I saw the delivery guys carry it up. I bumped into him on the stairs once and he said hello but I cannot be friends with someone that owns cane furniture so I pretended I had a turtle to feed or something.

Last week when I checked my mailbox, I found that my new neighbour had left me a note stating that he was having a party and to let him know if the noise was too loud.

The problem I have with the note is not that he was having a party and didn't invite me, it was that he selected a vibrant background of balloons, effectively stating that his party was going to be vibrant and possibly have balloons and that I couldn't come.

From: David Thorne
Dear Matthew,

Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 11.04am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: R.S.V.P.
Thankyou for the party invite. At first glance I thought it may be a child's party what with it being vibrant and having balloons but I realise you probably did your best with what little tools were available. I wouldn't miss it for the world. What time would you like me there?

Regards, David.



From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 3.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David
Sorry the note was just to let you know that we might be a bit loud that night. The house warming is really just for friends and family but you can drop past for a beer if you like.
Cheers Matthew



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 5.41pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Thanks Matthew,
Including me in your list of friends and family means a lot. You and I don't tend to have long discussions when we meet in the hallway and I plan to put a stop to that. Next time we bump into each other I intend to have a very long conversation with you and I am sure you are looking forward to that as much as I am. I have told my friend Ross that you are having a party and he is as excited as I am. Do you want us to bring anything or will everything be provided?

Regards, David.



From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David
As I said, my housewarming is just for friends and family. There is not a lot of room so cant really have to many people come. Sorry about that mate.
Cheers Matthew



From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 2.36pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,
I can appreciate that, our apartments are not very large are they? I myself like to go for a jog every night to keep fit but fear leaving the house so I have to jog on the spot taking very small steps with my arms straight down. I understand the problems of space restrictions all too well. If you would like to store some of your furniture at my place during the party you are quite welcome to - if we move your cane furniture into my spare room for the night and scatter cushions on the ground, that would provide a lot more seating and create a cozy atmosphere at the same time. I have a mirror ball that you can borrow. I have told Ross not to invite anyone else due to the space constraints so it will just be us two and my other friend Simon. When I told Simon that Ross and I were going to a party he became quite angry that I had not invited him as well so I really didn't have any choice as he can become quite violent. Sometimes I am afraid to even be in the same room as him. So just myself Ross and Simon. Simon's girlfriend has a work function on that night but might come along after that if she can get a lift with friends.

Regards, David.



From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 4.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Wtf? Nobody can come to the houswarming party it is just for friends and family. I dont even know these people. How do you know I have cane furniture? Are you the guy in apartment 1?



From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 6.12pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi Matthew,
I understand it is an exclusive party and I appreciate you trusting my judgement on who to bring. I just assumed you have cane furniture, doesn't everybody? Cane is possibly one of the most renewable natural resources we have after plastic, it is not only strong but lightweight and attractive. Every item in my apartment is made of cane, including my television. It looks like the one from Gilligan's Island but is in colour of course. Do you remember that episode where a robot came to the island? That was the best one in my opinion. I always preferred Mary Anne to Ginger, same with Flintstones - I found Betty much more attractive than Wilma but then I am not really keen on redheads at all. They have freckles all over their body did you know? It's the ones on their back and shoulders that creep me out the most.

Anyway, Ross rang me today all excited about the party and asked me what the theme is, I told him that I don't think there is a theme and we discussed it and feel that it should be an eighties themed party. I have a white suit and projector and am coming as Nik Kershaw. I have made a looping tape of 'wouldn't it be good' to play as I am sure you will agree that this song rocks and has stood the test of time well. I am in the process of redesigning your invites appropriately and will get a few hundred of them printed off later today. I will have to ask you for the money for this as print cartridges for my Epson are pretty expensive. They stopped making this model a month after I bought it and I have to get the cartridges sent from China. Around $120 should cover it. You can just pop the money in my letter box if I don't see you before tonight.

Regards, David.



From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Wednesday 10 Dec 2008 11.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

What the f**k are yout alking about? There is no theme for the party it is just a few friends and family. noone else can come IT IS ONLY FOR MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY do you understand? Do not print anything out because I am not paying for something I dont need and didnt ask you to do! look I am sorry but i am heaps busy and that night is not convenient. Are you in Apatrment1?



From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 9.15am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hello Matthew,
I agree that it is not very convenient and must admit that when I first received your invitation I was perplexed that it was on a Sunday night but who am I to judge. No, I am in apartment 3B. Our bedroom walls are touching so when we are sleeping our heads are only a few feet apart. If I put my ear to the wall I can hear you. I also agree with you that having a particular theme for your party may not be the best choice, it makes more sense to leave it open as a generic fancy dress party, that way everyone can come dressed in whatever they want. Once, I went to a party in a bear outfit which worked out well as it was freezing and I was the only one warm. As it won't be cold the night of your party, I have decided to come as a Ninja. I think it would be really good if you dressed as a ninja as well and we could perform a martial arts display for the other guests. I have real swords and will bring them. If you need help with your costume let me know, I have made mine by wrapping a black t-shirt around my face with a hooded jacket and cut finger holes in black socks for the gloves. I do not have any black pants so will spray paint my legs on the night.

It is a little hard to breath in the costume so I will need you to keep the window open during the party to provide good air circulation. Actually, I just had a thought, how awesome would it be if I arrived 'through' the window like a real ninja. We should definitely do that. I just measured the distance between our balconies and I should be able to jump it. I once leaped across a creek that was over five metres wide and almost made it.

Also, you mentioned in your invitation that if there was anything I needed, to let you know. My car is going in for a service next week and I was wondering, seeing as we are good friends now, if it would be ok to borrow yours on that day. I hate catching the bus as they are full of poor people who don't own cars.

Regards, David.



From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 3.02pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

WTF? No you cant borrow my car and there is no f**k*ng 3B. I reckon you are that guy from Apartment 1. You are not coming to my house warming and you are not bringing any of your friends. What the f**k is wrong with you??? The only people invited are friends and family I told you that. It is just drinks there is no f**k*ng fancy dress and only people i know are coming! I dont want to be rude but jesus f**k*ng christ man.



From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 14 Dec 2008 2.04am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Party

Hello Matthew,
I have been away since Thursday so have not been able to check my email from home. Flying back late today in time for the party and just wanted to say that we are really looking forward to it. Will probably get there around eleven or twelve, just when it starts to liven up. Simon's girlfriend Cathy's work function was cancelled so she can make it afterall which is good news. She will probably have a few friends with her so they will take the mini van. Also, I have arranged a Piñata.

Can't wait, see you tonight.

Regards, David.

[Robspot]

I have been chatting to a 14 year old girl on the internet. She is funny, sexy and flirty. Now she tells me she is an undercover cop! How cool is that for someone her age?

[Nordic]

As I booked into a hotel, I said to the receptionist, “I hope the porn

channel in my room is disabled.”

 
 “No,” she says, “It’s regular porn, you sick bastard.

[Christopher]

wish it was a joke, but, the Indian car company Tatra are sponsoring Ferrari F1, that'll be interesting

Interesting how Tata can find the money for F1 interests, but not a few pounds for JLR.........and then beg to the UK government.