The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Nordic]

The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Glasgow.

The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Govan and Possilpark areas of Glasgow were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the first practice session, the Govan & Possilpark pit crew successfully changed the tyres in less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of WKD Irn Bru, a kilo of speed and some photos of Lewis Hamiltons bird in the shower.

[Papa Eric]

To show their support for Obama, women all over the world are shaving their pubic hair & using the slogan: Read my lips, no more Bush.

[Jules G]

Staff Warning - Swearing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1.
   

Try Saying:
   

I think you could do with more training
   

Instead Of:
   

You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.
   

Try Saying:
   

She's an aggressive go-getter.
   

Instead Of:
   

She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3.
   

Try Saying:
   

Perhaps I can work late
   

Instead Of:
   

And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4.
   

Try Saying:
   

I'm certain that isn't feasible
   

Instead Of:
   

F*** off a*se-hole

5.
   

Try Saying:
   

Really?
   

Instead Of:
   

Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.
   

Try Saying:
   

Perhaps you should check with...
   

Instead Of:
   

Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.
   

Try Saying:
   

I wasn't involved in the project.
   

Instead Of:
   

Not my f***ing problem.

8.
   

Try Saying:
   

That's interesting.
   

Instead Of:
   

What the f***?

9.
   

Try Saying:
   

I'm not sure this can be implemented
Within the given timescale.
   

Instead Of:
   

No f***ing chance mate.

10.
   

Try Saying:
   

It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
   

Instead Of:
   

Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.
   

Try Saying:
   

He's not familiar with the issues
   

Instead Of:
   

He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12.
   

Try Saying:
   

Excuse me, sir?
   

Instead Of:
   

Oi, f*** face.

13.
   

Try Saying:
   

Of course, I was only going
To be at home anyway
   

Instead Of:
   

Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

[Jules G]

Women are evil....
 
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most
perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the
second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her
mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband
had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in
the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that
she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her
best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops
before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a
cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop.
She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's
condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished
your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you
were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband
has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went
ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping
trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the
clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's
dead. What did you buy?'

[Bob U]

News Flash.


It has just been reported that Steven Hawkin was rushed to hospital last night. He has two broken legs, a dislocated shoulder, six cracked ribs and a broken hip.

Apparently, he went on a date last night and she stood him up.

[Jules G]

"An Aussie guy walked into a jewelers store one Friday evening with a beautiful American girl at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The Aussie guy said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The client seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated 'By cheque.

I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the Australian, 'but let me tell you about my weekend!!!!!!"

 

 

[Dangermouse]

Now that Barak is President and Lewis is World Champion it is now cool to be black.

Bet Michael Jackson feels a bit of a tw@t then

[Jules G]

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod?  This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'
'Ah yes, Ernesto.  What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'
'My parrot?  Dead?  The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn!  That's a pity!  I spent a small fortune on that bird.  What did he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'
'Rotten meat?  Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor.  He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse?  What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane??   What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Lord!!   What fire are you talking about, man??'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the hell??   Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'
'Yes, Senor Rod..'
'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TailorMade Super Quad 460 golf club.'

SILENCE . . . . . . ..
 

. . . ..LONG SILENCE . . .. . . . .

'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep sh*t!!'

[landman]

My wife turned to me last night and said

"I'm old, I'm fat & I'm ugly"

I said nothing

Then she said

"why don't you pay me a compliment?'

I replied

"your eye sight seems to be just fine"...

[Jules G]

Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big showbiz party in his swanky new house.

Everyone who's anyone is there, top stars from the world of movies and music, fashion and art.

There's a constant feed of drink, the best wines that money can buy, oysters, champagne.

Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar.

Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing 'Light My Fire'.

Over in the corner George Peppard is getting very pally with Sophia Loren.

All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a good book.

'Oi, Jim,' objects Michael Caine, 'the party's just got started.

How's about I get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of the 'how's yer father?''

'Fair play,' nods Jim 'As long as she does the rest of the band, too.'

'Not a problem, Jim,' smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in close and whispers some instructions in her ear.

Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in walks Ringo Starr from the Beatles.

'Alright, luv?' he drones, 'don't suppose you fancy extending that service to me, do you?'

The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says 'What the h*ll!' and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work on him.

Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door opens and Michael Caine bursts in.

He grabs the young girl by the back of the hair and slaps her hard across the face!

'Wh-what the 'ell was that for?' she whimpers.

'I told you,' Caine snarls. 'You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off.”

[LangTall]

  Didn't see that one coming.

[SL]

The Blind Date


Allen took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do
first, Sandra?" asked Allen.

"I want to get weighed," said Sandra.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got
on
the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Allen
again asked Sandra what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and
Allen

lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.

"I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Allen figured she was really weird and took her home
early,
dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?"


Sandra responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

[Papa Eric]

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbours.  He also invited Colin, the
only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters
and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a
15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to
anyone who has the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc,
jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all
kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail
and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc
were screaming and raising hell.  Finally Colin strangled the croc and let
it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
  Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at
 him in disbelief.
  The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
  'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
  The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
 How about half a million bucks then?'
  'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.
  The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
 amazing..   How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
  Again, Colin said no.
  Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?


   Colin said, 'I want the bastard who pushed me in.'

[Papa Eric]

Cruise Ship Diary

DAY ONE
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up.
Really excited.

DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls
off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
Felt honored and had a wonderful time.
He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.
Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin.
Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I
could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY . DAY FIVE
Pool again today, got sunburned, went inside to drink at piano
bar for rest of day.
Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is charming.
Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.
Again I declined.
He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me he would
sink the ship.
I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX
Saved 1600 lives today -   twice.

[Jules G]

When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to feel more
English.

She is now an unmarried single mother with three kids from three different
fathers, one of them black.

Job done.

 

 

 

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

"The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs."

 

 

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and

walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and f$£ks off.

 

 

 

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you b$5tard'. He replied casually,

'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your bum but you said, 'F..$ off it'll be too painful',