The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Papa Eric]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his  fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful  woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit  £20 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[Jules G]

The world according to Mr Clarkson.................

'I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.'

'... the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany '

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom'

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: 'there is a word to describe this car: it begins with 's' and ends with 't' and it isn't soot

'The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite'

'The air conditioning in a Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.'

'Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable.  More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?'

'This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers.  Not that that's much to shout about.  That's like saying 'Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.''

'I don't understand bus lanes.  Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?'

Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: 'Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction.  Run them down to prove them wrong.'

' Britain 's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access.'

On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy: 'Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted?'

'Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!'

On the Lotus Elise: 'This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory.'

'Sure it's quiet, for a diesel.  But that's like being well-behaved...for a murderer.'

'I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time.'

'There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.'

'Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine.  Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants.  I do, and it helps.'

'You cannot have this car with a diesel. Its like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get m y mum to give me a lapdance, she's a woman!'

'Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sportscar... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.'

On the Porsche Cayenne: 'Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.'

 

[Mr. Invincible Mou]

When is it safe to use the "F" word?

Well, I guess it is acceptable in the following situations 

[Steve Pyro]

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.

[nopanic - neil]

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust,"I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back & said,"Me too,I didn't know we had a choice!"


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy,"I'm gonna have the day off,I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters,hangs upside down and shouts,"I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts,"Paddy you're mad,go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?"asks the Foreman.

"I cant work in the friggin dark!"says Murphy.

[Jules G]

POLITE WAY TO PEE

 

 During one of her daily classes a
 teacher, trying to teach good manners,
 asked her students the following
 question: 'Bob, if you were on a date
 having dinner with a nice young lady, how
 would you tell her that you
 have to go to the bathroom?' Bob
 said, 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.'

 The teacher responded by saying,
 'That would be rude and impolite.'

 What about you Ronnie, how would you say it?
 Ronnie said, 'I am sorry, but I
 really need to go to the bathroom. I'll
 be right back.'

 

 'That's better, but it's still not very nice

 to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'

 'And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain

 for once and show us your good manners?'

 'I would say: Darling, may I please
 be excused for a moment? I have to
 shake hands with a very dear friend of
 mine, whom I hope you'll get to
 meet after dinner.'

 The teacher fainted.

[Barry]

Where can you get one?

[Jules G]

THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE
 
The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad,
how many kinds of boobies are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm.


In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions.' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'
 
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many   types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,  'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.' 'A Christmas tree??'
 
'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.

 

[Papa Eric]

A man enters the confessional and says 'Bless me father for I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession.  I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.'

The priest tells the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon, another man enters the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession.  I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.'

This time the priest asks, 'Who is this Fannie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replies.

'Very well,' says the priest. 'Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All  the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching very shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, 'Is that Fannie Green?'

The altar boy replies, 'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes'.

[Papa Eric]

Lesson In Sharing
 
A five-year-old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulled a beer out of the cooler.
 
The little boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a beer
 
Grandpa replied 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
 
The little boy answered, 'No Grandpa, It's just a little pecker!'
 
Grandpa said, 'Then you're not man enough to have a beer.'

A little later Grandpa lit up a cigar.

The little boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a cigar?'

Once again, Grandpa asked, 'Can your pecker touch you're ass?'
 
The little boy answered 'no,' again.

Grandpa said, 'Then your not man enough to have a cigar.'
 
A little later, the boy came out of the house with some cookies and milk.
 
Grandpa asked, 'Can I have a cookie?'

The boy asked, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
 
Grandpa replied, 'Hell yeah, my pecker can touch my ass!'
 
The boy replied, 'Then go f*ck yourself!  Grandma made these for me.'

[nopanic - neil]

 ,

[Robspot]

Al Qaeda have planted a bomb in a tin of alphabetti spaghetti. If it goes off it could spell disaster.

[Steve Pyro]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa; the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top’

[DelBoy]

Keep up at the back, Mr B.  Only a page and a half ago   

http://www.clubarnage.com/forum/index.php?topic=873.msg124708#msg124708

Del

[Jules G]

HOW TO HYPNOTIZE A MAN AND KEEP HIM ENTERTAINED FOR HOURS ON END



http://vili.us/hypno.html