The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Brian(Liverpool boys)]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered:

'Is that one word, or two?'

[Jules G]

Marriage Counselling


Jacqueline and husband Mark went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Marc watched with a raised eyebrow.

Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to Marc and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Marc thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

[Brian(Liverpool boys)]

A man goes to the
doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I
have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only
have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your

final precious
moments on earth.'

So he trudges home
to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo
with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the
bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.

Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. Then the National Game comes up
and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been   here
20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house
and the

national game on the
same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he
screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.'

'F*** me,' says the
bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!

[landman]

Three parrots are for sale.
   They cost £100, £200 and £15.
   A woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?"
   The shopkeeper replies, "because it used to
   live in a brothel."
   The woman thinks its funny and buys the parrot.
   When she gets home the parrot says,
   "F**k me a new brothel!"
   The woman laughs.
   Her two daughters come home, the parrot says
   "F**k me new prossies!" The girls laugh.
   The husband come home and the parrot says
   "F**k me Keith i haven't seen you for weeks".

[Bob U]

The following question was asked in a recent poll:

  'Are there too many immigrants in  Britain ?'
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

21% Said:   Yes
17% Said:    No
62% Said:    عهد الأمن العالمي بواشنط

[Dangermouse]

Shareholders at Bradford & Bingley have been left baffled and surprised at the takeover by Santander.
Apparently, no-one expected the Spanish Aquisition.

The Isle of Dogs bank has called in The Retrievers.


Coat  

[Jules G]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.' So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'
'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze....
Four-sprung Duck technique
 

[Bob U]

 The worst joke in the world. EVER



Have you heard the one about baby balloon?

        Well baby balloon woke in the night and felt like a cuddle.

        So baby balloon got out of bed and went into his parents room.

        He cuddled in between Mummy balloon and Daddy balloon.

        However in the morning Daddy balloon was not well pleased.

        He told baby balloon that he was too old to be cuddling with Mummy and daddy balloon.

        However a few months later, sure enough Baby balloon again woke up in the middle of the night.

        He climbed out of bed and went into his parents room.

        He climbed into bed and tried to snuggle between Mummy balloon and Daddy balloon.

        But there wasn't enough room.

        So baby balloon thought "I know what I'll do"

        So baby balloon let a bit of air out of Daddy balloon.

        But there still wasn't enough room to cuddle between Mummy balloon and Daddy balloon.

        So baby balloon thought "I know what I'll do"

        So baby balloon let a bit of air out of Mummy balloon.

        But there still wasn't enough room to cuddle between Mummy balloon and daddy balloon.

        So baby balloon thought "I know what I'll do"

        So baby balloon let a bit of air out himself.

        Now he managed to cuddle down in between Mummy balloon and Daddy balloon.

        In the morning Daddy balloon was furious.

        I told you not to come in to mummy and Daddy's bed, but you still did.

        I am very very upset with you baby balloon.

        You know what you've done don't you?
.
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.        You've let me down.

         You've let Mummy balloon down.

        But worst of all you've let yourself down, Baby balloon.



Told you.

[knetter]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.' So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'
'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze....
Four-sprung Duck technique
 

ROFLMAO

[Doris]

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears.  "Promise you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.  At seven I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.  When I was eight you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.  If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

Dx

[Doris]

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we' ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.'

The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' He says, 'because I'v e been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are.'

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. 'I want the house,' he says insistently.

Up to 80. 'I want the car, too,' he continues.

85 mph. 'And,' he says, 'I'll want the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!'

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?'

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
'No, I've got everything I need,' she says.
'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?'

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. 'The airbag.'

Dx

[nopanic - neil]

A sad heir
A man walks into a bar and sees a friend at a table drinking by himself. Approaching his friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in June and left me £10,000," says his friend.

"Gee, that's tough."

"Then in July," the friend continues, "My father died, leaving me £50,000."

The man looks concerned and says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"Oh, that's not all, " the friend adds. "Last month my aunt died and left me £15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad!"

"And now this month..." the friend says. "Nothing! Not a single penny!"

[SL]

woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those
headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks,

'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he
told me to stand in front of a mirror, Stare at myself and
repeat,
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '

Well, it Worked! The headaches are all gone.'

Well , that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a
ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't
you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for
that?

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off
his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the
bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll
be right back.'

He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!

the husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was
even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she
proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back..'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the
bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.


'She's not my wife '

'She's not my wife '

'She's not my wife ' .

'She's not my wife '





His funeral service will be held on Saturday

[SL]

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, 
he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.




"To get my teeth!"

[SL]

I went to the game last night. The missus got the hump over it, she said you love Chelsea more than you love me.

I said, darling, I love Arsenal more than I love you.