The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Papa Eric]

Girlie Wisdom!

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
 
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care. 
 
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
 
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
 
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
 
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
 
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
 
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
 
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
 
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.
 
Amazing!  You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
 
Skinny people irritate me!  Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat.  You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
 
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
 
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?  That's my idea of a perfect day!

[Dangermouse]

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care. 

I once confused my sleeping pills with my Viagra and had 40 w@nks!

[Leftie]

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'
'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'
'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'
'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.
And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
'Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'
'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?
'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...



Ees





Ees





Eees a Ham Bush.
 
   

[Leftie]

Can someone tell me why there is only ONE Monopolies Commission!!!

[nickliv]

Can someone tell me why the is only ONE Monopolies Commission!!!

And why is 'abbreviated' such a long word.

You live and learn, then you die and forget it all.

You can't have evertyhing, I mean, where would you put it?

I'm going to get a tattoo over my whole body of me but taller

[Dangermouse]

If you describe something as 'undescribable'....haven't you just described it?

Who put an 's' in lisp?

Why is dyslexic so difficult to spell?

 

[Bob U]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
 Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang. So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'
So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'
The worried woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'

 

[Kpy]

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."

 "Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

[Brad Zarse]

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."

 "Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

Topical.....

[Leftie]

How many cars can you fit under a Mini Skirt.......................










keep thinking.......................................











1000 Corsairs and one Red Mini!!!

[Leftie]

This is a really bad one but what the hell.....................


A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman 'Can I have a pint of
beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and
cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer, eats the toastie and leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of beer
and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and excited by the extra
drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint
and the toastie.

The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says 'A pint
of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman'.

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie
and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been
laid on for the crowds attending and the barman is making more money in
one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says 'A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie, please barman' whilst smiling and acknowledging the tributes of
the masses.

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, me old mate, old mucker but we are
right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties'.

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd goes silent as the the barman clears
his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion
Toastie'.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says 'Are you sure I will like it?'

The masses await in stunned silence.

The barman, with a roguish smile says 'Do you think that I would let
down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it'.

'Ok' says the rabbit,' I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion
Toastie'.

The pub erupts with cheers as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the
toastie, waves to the crowd and leaves....never to return!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who had
only served 4 drinks that night, 3 of which were his) calls time.
As he is cleaning down the empty pub, he sees a small white form
floating above the bar 'Who are you' he queries.

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house'
comes the reply.

The barman says, 'I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in
every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Crowds
came to see you and this place was famous'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know'.

The barman says 'On your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese
Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead'

The rabbit said 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it'.

The barman said 'You never returned - what happened?'

'I DIED', said the Rabbit.

'OH NO!' said the barman,'what from'.

After a short pause. The rabbit said........





'MIXIN-ME-TOASTIES'

[Bob U]

In a recent survey, people from Liverpool have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.


In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a whopping 86% of Liverpudlians said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.


The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison ....

 

[Jules G]

Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion f**k*ng chain letters sent to me
by people who actually believe if you send them on, a poor six year old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead
will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.
 
And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send 'his' email, $1000?
How stupid are we?
Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I 'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!
 
What a bunch of bullshit.
 
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep
for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD
and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.
 
f**k 'em!!
 
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.
I've seen all the 'send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being
will somehow receive a penny from some omniscient being' forwards about 90 times.
 
I don't f**k*ng care.
 
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards.
Chances are, it's our own unpopularity. The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave
you shagless or luckless for the rest of you r life, delete it.
 
If it's funny, send it on.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been
tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5p per letter
he'll receive if you forward this email.
 
Now forward this to everyone you know.
Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.


 Have a nice day.
 
 Billy Connolly
 P.S: Send me 15 quid and then f**k off!!

[Jules G]

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping.

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :



Dear Mrs. Murray, While we thank you for your valued

custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in

Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.


Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:



1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and

randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.



2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to

go off at 5-minute intervals.



3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor

leading to feminine products aisle.



4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in

an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what

happened.



5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a

carpeted area.



6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing

department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring

sausages and a Calor gas stove.



7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she

could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just

leave me alone?'



8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera;

used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.



9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen

knives in the House wares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the

antidepressants were.



10.. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously,

loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.



11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised

the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.



12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when

people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'



13. December 21: When an announcement came over the

loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's

those voices again.'


And; last, but not least:



14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the

door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no

toilet paper in here.'

[Jules G]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

 The 'iTit'  will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

 This has been hailed as a major social breakthrough, because women are  always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.