The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Andy]

Man drives down a lane, woman driving up the same lane.
They pass each other slowly and man winds down window and shouts F**KIN FAT COW.
Woman yells back at him F**KIN BALD PR1*K.
Woman then drives around the corner and crashes into a huge cow and dies.

If women would only bloody listen.........

[Christopher]

Interesting quiz answers......


 UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
 Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
 Contestant: Homosexuals.
 Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
 
 BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
 Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
 Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
 Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
 Contestant: Leicester.
 
 BBC NORFOLK
 Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
 Contestant: I don't know.
 White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
 Contestant: Arm.
 White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
 Contestant: Strong.
 White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
 Contestant: Louis.
 White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
 Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
 
 LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
 Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
 Contestant: France.
 Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
 Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
 Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
 Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
 Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
 Contestant: Paris.
 
 THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
 Anne Robinson:- Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what:- Prison, or the Conservative Party?
 Contestant: The Conservative Party.
 
 BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
 DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
 Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
 
 UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
 Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
 Contestant: Goosey?
 
 GWR FM (Bristol)
 Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
 Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
 
 RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
 Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
 Caller: Mohicans.
 
 PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
 Phil: What's 11 squared?
 Contestant: I don't know.
 Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
 Contestant: Is it five?
 
 RICHARD AND JUDY
 Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
 A: Forrest Gump.
 
 RICHARD AND JUDY
 Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
 Contestant: Er . . .
 Leslie: He makes bread . .
 Contestant: Er . ..
 Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
 Contestant: Kipling Street ?
 
 LINCS FM PHONE-IN
 Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
 Contestant: Barcelona.
 Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
 Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
 
 NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
 Question: What is the world's largest continent?
 Contestant: The Pacific
 
 ROCK FM (PRESTON)
 Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
 Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
 
 THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
 Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
 Contestant: Magna Carta?
 
 JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
 O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
 Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er...
 er ... three?
 
 CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
 Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
 Caller: Japan.
 Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
 Caller: Er .... Mexico?
 
 PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
 Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
 Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
 
 DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
 Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
 Contestant: Holland?
 Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
 Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
 Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
 Contestant: No.
 
 PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
 Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
 Contestant: Er . .. .
 Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
 Contestant: Blimey?
 Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
 Contestant: (Silence)
 Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
 Contestant: Walked?
 
 THE VAULT
 Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
 Contestant: Nostalgia.
 
 LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
 Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
 Contestant: Jewish.
 Presenter: That's close enough.
 
 STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
 Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
 Contestant: Jesus.

[smokie]

More from I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue...

As is customary, Samantha spent some time down in the gramaphone library earlier, fetching the hit singles she's chosen. She's become quite friendly with the two elderly archivists, Jack and Arthur. They've recently gone part time, so Samantha's come to a working arrangement - she does the paperwork, Arthur gets her 45s out and Jack's off all afternoon.
__________________________________________________________

As is customary, record researcher Samantha made her regular visit to the gramaphone library earlier. The kindly old archivist keeps a small terrier for company and Samantha makes a point of taking a treat of a biscuit or two. The archivist says he always loves to watch his little dog as he scampers up to Samantha with her couple of crackers held out and pants around her ankles.
__________________________________________________________
As ever, Samantha spent several hours down in the gramaphone archive, giving the teams' discs a trial spin on the library record deck. The nice old archivists have recently have recently been a bit worried about their early vinyl collection getting scratched, so Samantha ordered them a new mat for the turntable. She said they were very excited at the thought of getting felt under their old 7 inches.
__________________________________________________________
Samantha nipped out to the gramaphone earlier, and as the eager assistants down there suspected she might be a country music lover, they got out every Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson record available: well in my experience she's always been a big fan of Willie's and now she's got to work her way through a complete box set of Johnny's.
__________________________________________________________
As is traditional on these occasions, Samantha went along to the gramaphone library earlier to collect the teams' records. It's pitch black down there, so Samantha and the elderly archivist have taken to searching the shelves by candle light, which can be messy, so while Samantha passes down the discs, the nice man holds the ladder while he cleans the dust and wax off in the dark.
__________________________________________________________
Samantha has to nip out to take her German Shepherd to the park to give him a stroke while he licks her face and pants.
__________________________________________________________
Samantha tells us she's off to a gourmet evening where her favourite French chef has prepared a nine course dinner. Looking at the menu, she says she's not so keen on some of his traditional dishes, but she spotted something tempting between the frogs legs.
__________________________________________________________
So, while Samantha nips out to enjoy a portion of winkles in cider.
__________________________________________________________
Samantha has to nip off to the National Opera where she's been giving private tuition to the singers. Having seen what she did to the baritone, the director is keen to see what she might to for a tenor.
__________________________________________________________
As usual, Samantha has been down in the gramaphone library researching the teams' records, aided and abetted by the two kindly old archivists, Curly Smith and Chalky White. Samantha was saying she's been helping them rearrange their work rostas recently. Chalky was getting a bit worried that Samantha might reduce his overtime shift, but cheered up when instead he saw her shorten Curly's.
__________________________________________________________
Samantha spends many long hours with the two kindly old gramaphone archivists who, as is usual when we visit a seaside town, she's brought along for a day out. As they're particulary keen on the local seafoods, Samantha treats them to a special meal and they both sit in eager anticipation as Samantha flits about with her hostess trolley and hands round their winkles.
__________________________________________________________
Samantha spends so much time down in the gramaphone library researching this that she's been asked to take over as the new supervisor. Her first task is a complete staff reorganisation and to allocate new duties to the nice old archivists. They say that when she's finished her assessment they're hoping Samantha will give them a group presentation in the conference room and then hand jobs out in the office.

[nopanic - neil]

A man who laughed too hard at a comedian on TV ended up being pepper sprayed at his home by UK police and spending the night naked in a cell.


Chris Cocker, 36, from Blackburn, laughed so hard while watching BBC TV's Have I Got News For You that he fell off the sofa, the BBC reported.


For more see -

http://www.stuff.co.nz/4583215a4560.html

[Christopher]

Apologies in advance....

Why wedding dresses are white....

Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies, 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

[Kpy]

Humph:

"The next game is called Sound Charades. It's a specially adapted wireless version of the TV classic Give Us A Clue, where panellists used to mime the titles of books, songs or films. The master of the genre was undoubtedly Lionel Blair, and who will ever forget him, exhausted and on his knees, finishing off An Officer And A Gentleman in under two minutes?"

Don’t think we’ve had these yet:


"In her spare time, Samantha likes nothing more than to peruse old record shops. She particularly enjoys a rewarding poke in the country section."

"Samantha spent many hours in conversation with the BBC gramophone library research staff for this round, deliberating over the fine old 7-inchers they presented for inspection. She says before deciding which she was going to spin she had to think about each one long and hard."

"Samantha has to nip out again to see an elderly lord who regularly complains to Radio 4 about their parliamentary coverage. She says she thinks he’s even going to start getting a little hard on Today in Parliament."

"Samantha has got to go off early to meet an entomologist friend who’s been showing her his collection of winged insects. They’ve already covered his bees and wasps and tonight she’s hoping to go through his flies."

"Samantha spent hours in the gramophone archive selecting the discs. You know, she gets fed up with comments about the way she ‘checks the seven-inchers’ or ‘twists my knob’. She says she tries to take no notice of the critics, but it isn’t easy to ignore her knockers."

"Samantha’s just started keeping bees and already has three dozen or so. She says she’s got an expert handler coming round to give a demonstration. He’ll carefully take out her 38 bees and soon have them flying round his head."

"After tasting the meat pies, Samantha said she liked Mr Dewhurst’s beef in ale; although she preferred his tongue in cider."

"Samantha is looking forward to going out for an ice cream with her Italian gentleman friend. She says she’s looking forward to licking the nuts off a large Neapolitan."

"Samantha does a few chores for an elderly gentleman who lives nearby. She shows him how to use the washing machine and then prunes his fruit trees. Later he’ll hang out his pyjamas as he watches her beaver away up the ladder."

[Jules G]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Manc are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.

It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Manc who says, 'F*** off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

[Jules G]

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

[Jules G]

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disc.

[Jules G]

The Bathtub Test:

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how he determined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'We fill a bath, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty the bath.'

'Oh, of course,' said the visitor. 'Any normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'


ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

[Jules G]

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
 The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
 
 'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?

 

 

 

 

Scroll down………………………

 

 

 

 

 

Wait for it…………..

 

Sum Ting Wong

[Risky]

Liverpool - European Capital of Culture
I went last week and when I got back to the car it was up on books.


I'll get my coat.

[Leftie]

Jules, you've been busy lately mate.

[termietermite]

1.       Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2.       Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3.       Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4.       Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5.       Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6.       The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.  Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Steve Pyro]

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.


Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.