The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Douglas]

Q: Why do married women weigh more than single women?



A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[Papa Eric]

BEFORE MARRIAGE

John:  Ah....At last.  I can hardly wait!
Jane:  Do you want me to leave?
John:  NO! Don't even think about it.
Jane:  Do you love me?
John:  Of course. Always have and always will.
Jane:  Have you ever cheated on me?
John:  NO!  Why are you even asking?
Jane:  Will you kiss me?
John:  Every chance I get.
Jane:  Will you hit me?
John:  Hell no.  Are you crazy?
Jane:  Can I trust you?
John:  Yes
Jane:  Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE

Read from the bottom back up to the top

[Papa Eric]

Having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than a century ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed British scientists dug to a depth of 20 metres, and shortly afterwards headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had
 an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later "The Kerryman" reported that "After digging as deep as 30 metres in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."

[termietermite]

[Kev_mk3]

Q: Why did Princess Diana Cross the road?



A: She didnt wear her seat belt

[Leftie]

One morning at the office, one Quantity Surveyor looked at the other and said, “Wow, you look really terrible this morning.”  The other Quantity Surveyor replied, “Yeah, I woke up with a headache this morning, and no matter what I try, I can’t seem to get rid of it.”  The first Quantity Surveyor told him, “Whenever I get a headache like that, I take a few hours off during the day, go home, and make love to my wife.  Works every time for me.”  Later that afternoon, the two Quantity Surveyors met again.  The first told the second, “You know, you look 100% better than this morning.”  The second replied, “Yeah, that was a great piece of advice you gave me.  You’ve got a beautiful house too.”

[Doris]

What have clouds and women got in common?




When they f@&* off it's generally a better day

[Leftie]

I'm gutted - someone's just smashed into my car with one of those new Skoda's, there's marzipan, syrup and sponge everywhere!

[Leftie]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into Central London.
Nothing is moving north or south.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What Happened, what's the hold up?'

Gordon Brown, Tony Blair and Alistair Darling,have all been kidnapped.

They are asking for a £10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'>
>
>
>
>
>
>

It’s coming!
>
>
>
>


'About a gallon!

[BryanC]

A bloke loses an ear in a fight and is referred to the specialist at the hospital to have a donor ear transplanted.

When he gets there, the consultant said that he’s out of human ears bit could do a fair job with a pigs ear. He fetches one from the lab, and says that he could trim the pointy bit off and shave the hairs and nobody would no the difference – and the patient wouldn’t have to wait as he could do the op the following day so the bloke agrees.

After 6 months, the patient comes back for a final check up and confirms the donor ear has not been rejected, stitches have healed and everything seems fine.

The doc asks him if his hearing is OK and the bloke says – yes perfect but now and again he regularly gets a bit of


>>>……crackling.

[Leftie]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a lollypop and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot', he shouted.
'An Ambulance just drove by.'
'Looks like the Anderson's have company', he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike....'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving'
'Jason is on his skate board....'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a lollipop.'

[Andy]

CATHOLIC MOTHERS

 Even if you didn't grow up Catholic, you'll appreciate this one....

 
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important
their children are.
The first one tells her friends, 'My son is a priest. When he walks into a
room, everyone calls him 'Father.'
The second Catholic woman chirps, 'Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he
walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'.'
The third Catholic woman says smugly, 'Well, not to put you down, but my
son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'.'
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle 'Well...?'
She replies, 'My son is a gorgeous, 6'4', hard bodied, well hung, male
stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, 'My God....'

[Gordonwr]

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts", she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself".
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"
"No", replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"
"Oh yes", said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked, "Did you see it?"
"Yes", he said. "But why did you have to show her yours?"
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know", he said, "but the f***ing darts team hasn't"!

[Leftie]

An old cowboy sat down at Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems everything makes me think of women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little later a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[Papa Eric]

The Labour Party have today changed their emblem from a rose to a condom as it more accurately reflects their political stance. 

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pr!cks and gives you a sense of security while you are actually being f!!*ed!