The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[smokie]

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has the generic name of cetominophen. Aleve is called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic
name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic  name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixadud, dixafix and, of course, ibepokin.

[pretzel]

Excellent!!!!

[jpchenet]

An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar in Covent Garden one night, having a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this , drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says: "In London we have so many f***ing South Africans and Aussies that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

[smokie]

A family is driving through town. The son looks over the seat and asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all the different kind of breasts?"

Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't....there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age.

"In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions, Dad?" "Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks their mother, "Mom, how many kind of willies are there?"

The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases.

"In his twenties, a man's willy is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yep, all dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."



With apologies to all the over-50s of course...

[smokie]

[attachment deleted by admin - age > 25 days]

[smokie]

Peter Kay's Universal Truths
 
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8)You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it  in a fruit salad.

[Stu]

25 signs you've grown up:


1 Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2 Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3 You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5 You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6 You watch the Weather Channel.
7 Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8 You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9 Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10 You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11 Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12 You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13 Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14  You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15 Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16 You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17 Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18 Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19 You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20 A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21 You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22 "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24 You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25 You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!!!

[Robbo SPS]

This is really good.

Quantas Airlines

 

 After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
 conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
 the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and
 correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the
 form

 what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
 before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and
 engineers lack a sense of humor.

 Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
 submitted by Quantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
 engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has
 never had an accident.
 
 P = The problem logged by the pilot.
 S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.

 
 P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

 S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

 S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 P: Something loose in cockpit.

 S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 P: Dead bugs on windshield.

 S: Live bugs on back-order.

 P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

 S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

 S: Evidence removed.

 P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

 S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

 S: That's what they're there for.

 P: IFF inoperative.

 S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 P: Suspected crack in windshield.

 S: Suspect you're right.

 P: Number 3 engine missing.

 S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 P: Aircraft handles funny.

 S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 P: Target radar hums.

 S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 P: Mouse in cockpit.

 S: Cat installed.

 P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

 pounding on something with a hammer.

 S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Rhino]

2 snow men in a field
1 snowmen says to the other "can you smell carrotts"

[smokie]

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assalted.  

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."  

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.  

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A  beer please, and one for the road."  

Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.  

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"  

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"  
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."  
"Is it common?"  
"It's not unusual."  

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."  The other says, "Are you sure?"  The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."  

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"  "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?"  "No, because he's really heavy."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.  

I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.  

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.  

What do you call a fish with no eyes? ... A fsh

[smokie]

THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2003

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
 
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
 
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
 
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
 
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
 
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
 
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
 
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
 
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
 
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
 
War Dims Hope for Peace
 
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
 
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
 
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
 
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
 
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
 
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
 
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
 
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
 
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
 
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
 
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
 
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

[gibberish]

Nice one Smokie.  The image left by the panda headline is quite, err, quite, well, um, quite, err  

[Bobblehat]

Our local rag annouced in big bold letters

Dog Wins Award at Crufts

[Chef]

A guy is stood behind a girl at the local supermarket. watching her goods being scanned he recall what she has purchased.
1 tin of beans
1 banana
1 apple
1 frozen pie
1 pint of milk
1 potato
1 carrot
1 bag of crisps
1 chesse slice
ready meal(for 1)
1 tin of soup
a small pack of biscuits

at the check out he says to the girl
"i bet your single"
the girl replies
"why yes i am but how did you know"
guy replies

"cause your minging"

[Russ]

 FINE  - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.  

 FIVE MINUTES  - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the! five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.  

 NOTHING  - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"  

 GO AHEAD  -  (With Raised Eyebrows! ) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"  

 GO AHEAD  -  (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.  

 LOUD SIGH  - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her ! time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"  

SOFT SIGH  -  Again , not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.  

THAT'S OKAY  -  This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done... "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."  

GO AHEAD!  -  At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.  

PLEASE DO  -  This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"  

THANKS  -  A woman is thanking you. Do not faint ! . Just say you're welcome.  

THANKS A LOT  -  This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing".