The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Bob U]

.

[Doris]

Just bought Elisabeth Fritzl's diary off e-bay.  Boring as f**k! 

Mon: Stayed in
Tues: Stayed in
Weds: Stayed in
Thurs: Stayed in
Fri: Stayed in
Sat: Stayed in
Sun: Stayed in.  Got a shag though.

[paulydee]

Man and woman driving home on a cold, rainy winter’s night. They run over a badger, so quickly stop, get out and check it. It’s still alive, but freezing cold.

Man says “Put it between your legs to warm it up”.

Woman says “But it’s all wet and it stinks”.

Man replies “Well, hold it’s bloody nose then”.

[Bob U]

Kids Are Quick
 ____________________________________
 
 TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
 MARIA: Here it is.
 TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
 CLASS: Maria.
 ____________________________________

 
 TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
 floor?
 JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
 
__________________________________________
 TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
 GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
 TEACHER: No, that's wrong
 GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
 ____________________________________________
 
 TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
 DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
 TEACHER: What are you talking about?
 DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
 
 
 
 TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
 didn't have ten years ago.
 WINNIE: Me!
 __________________________________________
 
 TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
 GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
 _______________________________________
 
 
 
 TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
 MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
 MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
 
 _________________________________
 
 TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
 cherry
 tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father
 didn't punish him?
 LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
 ______________________________________
 
 TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers befor eating?
 SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
 ______________________________
  TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly as
 your brother's. Did you copy his?
 CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
 ___________________________________
 
 TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
 people are no longer interested
 HAROLD: A teacher?

[Lawnmower Man]

.

Ahem..............................

http://www.clubarnage.com/forum/index.php?topic=873.1530

 

Andy Smile.  Your Bank Holiday found this for me.

http://b3ta.com/andyzarse.html

t

[Papa Eric]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?

[Papa Eric]

The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.  They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.  The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.  He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.  He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my todger to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received.  But the old Sergeant Major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did.  The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's todger and began to work back.  Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The old Sergeant Major replied, ' when I last saw them they were hanging off a barbed wire fence in Basra .'

[Jules G]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having any of that brokeback mountain sh*t in our garden."

Brings a tear to your eye...doesn't it.

[Jules G]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He says 'Yes - just caffeine'
'Have you ever been in the service?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, 'Yes 100%...an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'
The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.
Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 -
and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM,
Why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?
'This is a government job,' the interviewer says.
'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that.'

[Papa Eric]

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

[Steve Pyro]

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?'she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

''Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says:

'Because I am the goalie'

[Jules G]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

 

 

From the Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who drove their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.

Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead

 

[Papa Eric]

Three women:  one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. 

That night all three are to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for Lunch.

The engaged Woman:  The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. 

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life.  I love you.' Then we made love all night Long.

The mistress:  Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.

When  I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married Woman:  I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night.  When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.  As soon as he came in the door and saw  me he said,  'What's for dinner, Batman?'

[Doris]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!'

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off! ...

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this Less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'

[termietermite]

The person who coined the phrase 'as different as chalk and cheese' obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.
John Sampson,
Southampton.

If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?
P. Sullivan, Birkenhead.

They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
D Evans, London.

If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?
Stalker, Bournemouth.

Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting people? I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community service.
A Woodward, Sheffield.

They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.
J Morgan, Wigan.

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for it's contribution to astrophysics?
Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham.

In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.
Martin Harwood, Bradford.

These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.
Tim Wakefield, Surrey.

Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women.
Chris Mapply, Carshalton.

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in London beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.
George Nisbet.

Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.
Werner Hoffman, Munich.

I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (in any weather, mind you) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
B , Braintree.

Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.
M Duckworth, Poole.


To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'. Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.
Danny King, Balham

 If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.

Christina Martin, London


I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.
Martin Kristos


It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.
Johnny Pring

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.
Alan Heath


A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that 'God would make her better.' presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
M Lovejoy


'She can dish it out, but she cannot take it', I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.
Mrs Pinches, Hereford


I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.
S Prodnipple, Scarborough


I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.
Stella Matlock

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.
Warren

This new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.
Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire


TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll tell you when you're older' when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's ***: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer


WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray


' Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill

'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.
Raymond ****yb *** cks

 

If it's true what they say, 'Once you pop, you can't stop', why are Pringles tubes resealable?
A Bean, Sudbury

There's no pleasing my wife, she complains when I leave the toilet seat up, she complains when I leave it down and piss all over it.
Jon, Leeds

Please can you help me? I can't seem to think of another purpose for multi-purpose compost, other than for growing plants in.
Leo Stitch, email