The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Christopher]

This is really bad, I apologies in advance.........


Late last Saturday night, a young chap was walking home from the pub.
 
It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most
 
Of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only
 
Broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a
 
Dustbin. Suddenly he heard a strange noise ...
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP........
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP........
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP........
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Startled, he turned around. To his amazement, through the driving rain
 
He saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP........
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP........
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP........
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
He froze to the spot. He couldn't believe his eyes. As the box
 
Approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more
 
Clearly. It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put
 
His head down and started walking briskly home.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP........
 
 
 
 
 
 


 


 


BUMP........


 


 


 


 


 


 


BUMP........


 


 


 


 


 


The coffin was gaining on him. He started walking faster.........


 


 


 


 


 


BUMP.... BUMP.......


 


 


 


 


 


BUMP........BUMP.......


 


 
 
 


 


 
 
BUMP........BUMP........
 
 


 
 
 


 
 
 
 
The coffin was closing with his every step. He started to jog, but he
 
Heard the coffin speed up after him ...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
 
 


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
 
 
 
 
 
 


 
 
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....


 
 
 
 
 


 
 
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was
 
Only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his
 
Keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock. He dived inside,
 
Slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and
 
Slumped into his comfy chair.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through
 
The front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin
 
Allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued
 
Its chase ..
 
 


 
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
 
 


 
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could
 
Take him. He bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door ...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...
 
 
 
 
 
 


 
 
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and


Launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the
 
Bathroom door flew off its hinges ...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young
 
Terrified lad.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom
 
Cabinet ... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at
 
The coffin ... still it came ........
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ... still it
 
Came......
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ... still it came......
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
He grabbed some Benylin cough mixture and threw it ...
 
 
 
 


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
The coffin stopped.
 

[Leftie]

Glens Story

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Glen. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie.
When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn.

I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....
Signed,
Glen

EDITOR'S NOTE: Glen died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that he accidentally sat down on it...

[nopanic - neil]

Found these, Tommy Cooper Jokes

Airplane
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.

Bookish
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.
I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."

Go for it
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

Wife
My wife had a go at me last night
She said "You'll drive me to my grave"
"I had the car out in thirty seconds"

Wife
Home from work and the wife said, "I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner"
I said "Don't worry-- I'll get you a new cat"

Great Driving
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"

Skip
So I rang up a local building firm.
I said "I want a skip outside my house."
He said "I'm not stopping you.'"

Bar
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Bar
A neutron walks into a bar.
"I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge.

Trousers
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Frisky
I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it.
So we decided we take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

Luck
I've always been unlucky.
I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

[rcutler]

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.

The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''

''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

[Jules G]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit,

They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her

Straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell HIM you have f*****g a headache."

 

[Jules G]

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
 
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann,
listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other.
 
He addressed the men.
 
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
 
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered,
 
'Homepride-All-Purpose, isn't it?'
 
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy
 

[Bob U]

12 of the finest double-entendres that have been aired on British TV & Radio

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Georgiana from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... .. Oh my god!! What have I just said??"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you pro missed me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky
Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:  "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself

 

[Werner]

Lewis's cousin, the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his p*nis into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

[Brian(Liverpool boys)]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to
see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was
addressed, 'Dad. '

 

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter,with trembling hands.  'Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.               

 

 I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice,but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.       

 

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.  Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't,really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.       

 

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure forAIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!  Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.               

 

Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than  the school report that's on the kitchen table.         

(Call when it is safe for me to come home

[nopanic - neil]

A man walks into a bar and orders nine bottles of beer. Putting them in a row, he downs the first bottle, then the third, then the fifth, then the seventh and finally the ninth.

“Excuse me,” the bartender says as the man turns to leave. “You left four bottles untouched.”

“I know,” the man says. “My doctor says it’s okay to have the odd drink.”   

[rcutler]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

[Christopher]

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they
had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy,
emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met
needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, 
walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her 
passionately while fondling her breasts and crotch. 
The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week......
Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied,


"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

[Christopher]

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

[smokie]

A little old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a

woman with perfect breasts.  He says to her, 'Hey miss, would you let me

bite your breasts for $100?'

 

   'Are you nuts?!!!' she replies, and keeps walking away.

 

   He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she

does. 'Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?' he asks

again.

 

   'Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?'

 

   So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again;

'Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?'

 

   She thinks about it for a while and says, 'Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok,

just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there.'

 

   So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the

most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them

and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them,

burying his face in them, but not biting them.

 

   The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them

or not?'

 

   'Nah', says the little old man... 'Costs too much...'

[Leftie]

A Doctor, an Architect and an Accountant were dining at a Country Club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.

The Physician offered to show his dog first, and called into the carpark “Hippocrates, come!”
Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff.  Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones.  He dragged the bones into the club house and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton.  The physician patted Hippocrates on the head and gave him a cookie for his efforts.

The Architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, :Sliderule, come!”.  Sliderule ran in and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The Architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.

The Accountant watched the other two dogs, he then called “Bullshit, come!”  Bullshit duly arrived and was told to do his stuff.  Bullshit immediately sodomised the other two dogs, stole their cookies, and sold the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.