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« Reply #1395 on: December 11, 2007, 01:13:33 am » |
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I recently bought a teddy bear for a tenner. I named it Mohamed, then sold it for 20 quid.
My question is... have I made a prophet?
I liked that one Jules. Any more? |
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At my age, it takes me all night to do what I used to do all night!!!!!!!!!!!
Then, growing old is compulsary, but growing up is just optional.
I don't do GREEN, I've got a 4x4
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Doris
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« Reply #1396 on: December 11, 2007, 01:50:43 am » |
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A charity pantomime in aid of paranoid schizophrenics descended into chaos tonight when someone shouted, "He's behind you!"
Dx
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Live imperfectly and with great delight.
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Werner
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« Reply #1397 on: December 12, 2007, 01:11:24 pm » |
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Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Kempsy. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. the brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!"
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"… to be honest, I did it purely for the money at first. I went to Le Mans
hoping that the car would break down. I came away in love with the place." - Eddie Irvine
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jpchenet
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« Reply #1398 on: December 14, 2007, 12:41:54 pm » |
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DEAR DIARY: DAY ONE
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and
make-up. Really excited.
DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO
Entire day at sea, beautiful... and saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
Felt honored and had a wonderful time.
He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR
Won £800.00 in the ship's casino.
Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin.
Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night but I declined.
Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY . DAY FIVE
Pool again today, got sunburnt, went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day.
Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming.
Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again, I
declined.
He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship.
I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX
Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice!
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nopanic - neil
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« Reply #1399 on: December 16, 2007, 12:04:22 am » |
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Getting own christmas pressie, mind what you buy!
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« Last Edit: December 16, 2007, 06:50:15 pm by nopanic - neil »
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If you're going through hell, keep going.
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rcutler
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« Reply #1400 on: December 17, 2007, 08:41:57 pm » |
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Shirts Off
A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.
The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed.
So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Iron this."
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nickliv
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« Reply #1401 on: December 28, 2007, 10:33:18 pm » |
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A young couple got married, and the wife was a bit inexperienced and got a bit embarrassed, so she suggested to her new husband that they should develop a 'code' for her to use when she was 'in the mood'
Her Husband agreed, and suggested that if she was 'in the mood' she should pull it once, if she wasn't 'in the mood' she should reach down and pull if 650 times.
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nickliv
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« Reply #1402 on: December 28, 2007, 10:37:22 pm » |
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What's got 4 legs and says 'boo'
A cow with a cold
What's got 4 legs and says 'AAAAA'
A sheep with no lips
What's got 8 legs and one eye?
2 chairs and half a pigs head
What's got 4 legs and one eye?
Half a spider*
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
Pick him up and give him a blow job
*I know spiders have lots of eyes, it's called artistic licence.
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smokie
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« Reply #1403 on: January 01, 2008, 11:11:54 am » |
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From today's emails...some were new to me...
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« Last Edit: January 01, 2008, 11:14:48 am by smokie »
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smokie
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« Reply #1404 on: January 01, 2008, 11:12:50 am » |
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More...
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smokie
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« Reply #1405 on: January 01, 2008, 11:13:42 am » |
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Last couple...
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Steve Pyro
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« Reply #1406 on: January 03, 2008, 10:39:53 am » |
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At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it is Wally. "Again he is ready for more action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages.
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Steve  East Anglian cobras 
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rcutler
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« Reply #1407 on: January 05, 2008, 01:58:57 pm » |
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A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, please come to my house!"
"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."
"Bring them along!" the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
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nickliv
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« Reply #1408 on: January 05, 2008, 10:46:48 pm » |
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A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
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Steve Pyro
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« Reply #1409 on: January 07, 2008, 11:57:14 am » |
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Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... but she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you £100 if you let me have sex with you..."
The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boy friend...so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all one pence coins"
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Steve East Anglian cobras
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