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Bob U
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« Reply #1380 on: November 28, 2007, 03:31:58 pm » |
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A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm, 'I'd like to buy a horth', he says to the owner of the farm.
'What sort of horse?' said the owner.
'A female horth' the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare.
'Nithe horth.' says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her eyeth?' So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's eyes.
'Nithe eyeth.', says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her teeth?' Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth.
'Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says. The owner is getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show
him the horse's ears.
'Nithe eerth.' He says, 'Now...can I see her twot?' With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoveshis head deep inside the horse's private parts. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says: 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?'
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There is a corner of a foreign field that will be forever England ------ Houx Annexe
And the bastards have built on it.
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Bob U
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« Reply #1381 on: November 28, 2007, 04:14:22 pm » |
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One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.
"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the male driver.
"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.
How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver.
"I said no way", replied the irritated youngster.
"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh"? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
"No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy
"OK, I know what you want, I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies", the driver offered.
"NO," screamed the boy.
"What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver with a long sigh.
The boy replied, ":Listen Dad, you bought the Rover, you live with it."
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There is a corner of a foreign field that will be forever England ------ Houx Annexe
And the bastards have built on it.
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Steve Pyro
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« Reply #1382 on: November 28, 2007, 04:31:39 pm » |
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on.
"It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's undies.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
And So The Holiday Season Begins....
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Steve  East Anglian cobras 
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nopanic - neil
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« Reply #1383 on: November 28, 2007, 06:10:46 pm » |
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A little girl is about to go to bed and she says her prayers: "God bless mummy, and daddy, and my brother, and may my dog rest in peace." The next day her dog falls down, stone dead.
About a week later, she is again saying her bedtime prayers: "God bless mummy, and daddy, and may my big brother rest in peace." During school the following day, her brother drops dead.
Not many days later, she is about to go to bed and she prays: "God bless mummy and may daddy rest in peace." The next morning, her mother opens the door to find the milkman dead on the doorstep.
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If you're going through hell, keep going.
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rcutler
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« Reply #1384 on: November 28, 2007, 11:36:18 pm » |
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Little 8 year old Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother,
"Frank Brown showd me his willy today!"
Before mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say,
"It reminded me of a peanut!!"
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mum asked
"Really small was it?"
"No!!" Sally replied,
"Salty!!!!"
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Nobby Diesel
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« Reply #1385 on: November 29, 2007, 02:14:49 pm » |
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A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."
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If you can't fix it with a hammer, you have an electrical problem.
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Jules G
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« Reply #1386 on: November 30, 2007, 09:46:47 am » |
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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write To us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff.... Dad.... I became a prostitute....'
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family.'
'OK, dad.... As ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother this gold Rolex and for ye daddy the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.... (takes a breath).... An invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and....'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff.... A prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.'
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'Oh! Be Jesus!.... Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said 'a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a big hug!'
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Bob U
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« Reply #1387 on: November 30, 2007, 10:56:33 am » |
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The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the
Congregation. No one wants him to leave.
Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims: "If the Vicar stays, I will provide
Him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his
Salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, if the Vicar stays, I will give him sex."
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to
Side, while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F**k the Vicar'.
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There is a corner of a foreign field that will be forever England ------ Houx Annexe
And the bastards have built on it.
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Paddy_NL
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« Reply #1388 on: November 30, 2007, 10:25:24 pm » |
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LIFE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a truck, with his hands at 10 to 2. The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?'
Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now I'm driving to Chicago!' The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?' Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest.'
That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.' The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Dave sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Shocked, she shouts, 'Dave what are you doing!?' To which Dave replies, 'Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Chicago'.
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Paddy's 2009: Spa LMS • NBR 24 • Le Mans 24 • Spa24 • NBR LMS • Silverstone LMS =( Drinking for Holland  |
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lynxd67
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« Reply #1389 on: December 02, 2007, 01:32:36 pm » |
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With winter coming on I have been getting more and more depressed, virtually to the point of suicide. So in desperation I called the Samaritans, only to find that for economy's sake their call centre is now in Pakistan. I explained how depressed I was and they uttered words of encouragement. When I then explained I was feeling suicidal they got excited and asked if I could fly a plane or drive a bus.
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Jules G
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« Reply #1390 on: December 03, 2007, 06:11:41 pm » |
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about This?"pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied,"Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
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Leftie
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« Reply #1391 on: December 04, 2007, 12:08:23 am » |
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I'm into flagelation, beastiality and necrophilia!
Do you think I'm flogging a dead horse?
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At my age, it takes me all night to do what I used to do all night!!!!!!!!!!!
Then, growing old is compulsary, but growing up is just optional.
I don't do GREEN, I've got a 4x4
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Snoring Rhino
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« Reply #1392 on: December 05, 2007, 05:50:08 pm » |
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Steve and Fiona were making passionate love in Steve's VW Van when
suddenly Fiona, being a bit on the kinky side, yelled out "Oh fat boy,
whip me, whip me!"
Steve, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did
not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opened the
window, snapped the antenna off his van and proceeded to whip Fiona
until they both collapsed in ecstasy.
About a week later, Fiona noticed that the marks left by the whipping
session were starting to fester a bit so she went to the doctor. The
doctor took one look at the wounds and asked, "Did you get these marks
having sex??"
Fiona, embarrassed to own up to having unusual sex, eventually admitted
that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor said, "I
thought so, because in all my years of doctoring, it's the worse case
of van aerial disease I've ever seen."
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Jules G
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« Reply #1393 on: December 10, 2007, 10:48:38 am » |
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I recently bought a teddy bear for a tenner. I named it Mohamed, then sold it for 20 quid.
My question is... have I made a prophet?
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smokie
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« Reply #1394 on: December 10, 2007, 06:33:55 pm » |
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Thanks Jules for that - I'll give 'em your address for the fatwa to be delivered...  |
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