The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Leftie]

All I ask that all of you take a moment to reflect on it.

I'll drink to that.

[Canada Phil]

HI Mark,
          Canada Again Eh!. I stopped at that one back in September. Bellevile Ontario. All our beer stores have that sign though some are larger than that. For the hard stuff we go to ...The Liquor Store which has a pale green sign so no confusion 
Canada Phil

[Matt Harper]

A man goes to the doctor because he isn't feeling well. The doctor asked him to undress, which the man did of course. The doctor examined him and said: "I'm afraid you will have to stop masturbating.". "Why?!", the man asked. "Because I'm examining your body", the doctor replied.

Is this some Dutch c*nts joke that English c*nts don't get? (apologies to Rory Breaker)

[Christopher]

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
 
Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
 
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
 
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathised because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."
 
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
 
"That's from a man upstairs in the Burns Unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

[Brian(Liverpool boys)]

The three bears.

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning........
 
 
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He
looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?" he squeaks.
 
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He
looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?!?" he roars.
 
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this
with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear
who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch
the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn
table.
 
"It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter
tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.
 
"And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs
and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because
I'm only going to say this once....
>
>
>
>
>
>

 
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!"

Idle bitch
 

[Steve Pyro]

WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

"I would have gotten out today."

[BryanC]

A 50 year old woman goes into hospital and while on the opertaing table has a 'near death' experience.

She turns to the maker and says " well is that it then ? " to which he replies "No... you've got another 40 years, 3 weeks and 2 days before you get the call", so she made a solid recovery.

Before leaving hospital, she decides she might as well make use of the facilities so has a boob job, plastic, tummy tuck, lippo, fannoy crimped, teeth whitened, chin tightened, nose straightened and  new hair implants.

As shes leaving hospital ready to make the best of her new tackle, an ambulance speeds around the corner and knocks her down - brown bread.

On arriving at Heaven she asked what went wrong with the 40 years etc, and the Big G says..." SH*T.. I did didn't recognise you when you stepped out from the pavement"

( Irreverent )Regards

BryanC

and apologies to my mate Big Pete who made me smile when I got this same joke at work today !

[BryanC]

oops... sorry for the typos.
<Pub Mode Off >
BC

[Jules G]

Letters to the editor that were never published
 
Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes
this  summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports
personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation
with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never
shutting up about it makes me proud to be British.
Ben Hunt
 
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P, Leeds
 
 
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living
too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish
they'd make their minds up.
John
 
 
'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill
 
 
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose
around two million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme.
She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London
 
 
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
stop breaking the law, so will I.
P Boddington, Ringway
 
 
It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as
well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified
way, such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from
a door with a  belt.
Paul Mulraney, Belfast
 
 
On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach
the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a
correct  answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate
Jeremy Clarkson  with?' to which I confidently replied '<unt'. Not only
was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep
to leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such
appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family?
Noel, Leeds
 
 
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark
to make than this?
Alun Daniel
 
 
I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started
wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently
parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
Alan Thakray
 
 
Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of
Brian  wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
 
 
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
Alan J., London
 
 
Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
Neverland  ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits
climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should
get some faster cars.
T Barnham, London
 
 
Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on that muslim
cleric Abu Hamsa?
Les Barnsley
 
 
How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
 
 
The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in
Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just
me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the
poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail.
 
 
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about  Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on
about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail.
 
 
With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces
soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a
couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly
enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, Email
 
 
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the  exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters.
I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their
splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond
 
 
I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David
Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but
isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh
 
 
I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death.
But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous
Countdown  "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his
final breaths.
Tripod
 
 
I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad
is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan
 
 
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
Thomas J

[Leftie]

What's the difference between the England football team and Lewis Hamilton?

Hamilton still has a McClaren!!!

[Martini...LB]

Two aliens landed in the desert close to Birdsville near an old petrol station that was
closed for the night. They approached one of the old petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader." The old petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no
response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien warned his comrade saying,
"You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien.
He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt crumpled mess about 200 metres away in a dry creek bed.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a bloke who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."

>Martini...

[Martini...LB]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas
 dinner.  This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is
 very nervous.

 They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
 The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
 nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making
 her  eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a
 bit  and lets out a dainty fart !

  It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even
 had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the
 dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather
 stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

 The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
 A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
 This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer
 rrrrrip.

 The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy!'

 Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the
 woman  had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
 She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Dammit
 Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'

>Martini...

[Martini...LB]

        Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
       
        Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street
        corner.
        He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was
        almost certain to follow.
       
        "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
       
        "No!  Five pounds!"  He would fire back, just to shut her up.
       
        This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily
        occurrence.
        He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"
        He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
       
        One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her
        husband on his jog.
       
        As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner,
        Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla
        would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
        He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
       
        As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,
        he became even more apprehensive than usual.
        Sure enough, there was the hooker.

        He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
       Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"

[Jules G]

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and
'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very
upset with you.


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you thinkCambridgeUniversityis?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:Leicester.


BBCNORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between
your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the
song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBCMIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital ofItaly?
Contestant:France.
Trelinski:Franceis another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which
country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant:Paris.


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all
written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the
Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.


BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?


GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened inDallason November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show
about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIOMANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?


RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant:Kipling Street?


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries
inSpain.


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific


ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of
a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in
1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings ofEnglandhave been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er ...
er ... three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIOBRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country isMount Etna?
Caller:Japan.
Searle: I didsay which European country, so in case you didn't hear
that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ...Mexico?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIONEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War betweenEgyptandIsraellast?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:Iceland?Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did yousayIsrael?
Contestant: No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the
sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.


LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging
character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

[Robspot]

THE FUTURE OF NURSERY RHYMES

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh sh*t, it's Global Warming.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
...But she didn't wear that one often.

Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you dickhead.

Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.