The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Christopher]

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers when she passed  two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes.
 

 As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning  ladies."
 

 The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with  you."
 

 But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, 

 "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."
 

 This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall, 

 Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. 

 She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today."



 "Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."



 But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of  the wrong side of bed today." 

 Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be  more pleasant.



 Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister  Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker.



 As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to  arrange a pleasant smile on her face before greeting Sister Mary.



 "Good  morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God  watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."



 "Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on  the wrong side of bed this morning." Mother Superior was floored!



 "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but  three times already today people have said that about me."



 Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face. 



 "Oh, don't take it personally Mother Superior. It's just that you're  wearing Father Murphy's slippers." 

 

[Christopher]

 An Irish Story.

 An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

 'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

 So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

 'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'

 Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a

 £10 pound note appears.

 'This is amazing! 'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

 'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

 The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and

 another and another and another, etc.....

 Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

 'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest,

 how moch was in dare den?'

 The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'

 'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

 'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

[Christopher]

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?' When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Larry who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?' But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Larry came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Larry came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted...........

[Black Granny]

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain, and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.


His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked,' Did you dance much?' He replied, I'll tell you; I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.

You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life'.

[Christopher]

SMART ARSED ANSWER 6

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
The flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'Would you like dinner?'
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

SMART ARSED ANSWER 4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's
store but she couldn't find one large enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

SMART ARSED ANSWER 3

The policeman got out of his car as the boy racer he stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When he had stopped laughing he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 2

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that
read 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realised it, the bridge was directly
ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked
to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!'

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final
exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being
here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no
other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and
sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand!'

[Leftie]

 A NUN & A CABBIE
 

 

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull in to the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned.  I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. 

My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[Leftie]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town
prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
 
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence
attorney?'
 
She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking
problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he
cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defence attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you f**k*ng idiots asks her if she
knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.'

[Lee Self]

Why are there no African-American beauty queen contestants in Idaho?

The don't want to be crowned "Miss I da Ho"   

[Leftie]

Why are there no African-American beauty queen contestants in Idaho?

The don't want to be crowned "Miss I da Ho"   

Lee, absolutely brilliant.

[Leftie]

Reporter: "Well, Dr Oppenheimer, to what do you attribute your worldwide public acclaim?"

Oppenheimer:  "I suppose it goes back to the Manhattan Project.  We dropped a bomb on Japan and it just mushroomed from there."

[nopanic - neil]

Here is really an interesting collection of what people actually said in real court hearings.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteen.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
-----------------
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
-----------------
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
-----------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
-----------------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
-----------------
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
-----------------
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
-----------------
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
-----------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person said in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
-----------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
-----------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
------------------
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
-----------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
-----------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
-----------------
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
-----------------
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
-----------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
-----------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
-----------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsy have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsy are performed on dead people.
-----------------
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
-----------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy
-----------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
-----------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
-----------------
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

[Leftie]

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:



1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta B business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough la nding during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. >From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot d uring his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17 An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open t he door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways"

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap you should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

[nickliv]

When I was living on the Isle Of Man, a Manx Airlines first officer was sacked for making the following PA announcement.

'Ladies and Gentlemen. Welcome to the Isle Of Man, the local time is 14 minutes past eleven, the local date is 1956'

[Pieter]

A man goes to the doctor because he isn't feeling well. The doctor asked him to undress, which the man did of course. The doctor examined him and said: "I'm afraid you will have to stop masturbating.". "Why?!", the man asked. "Because I'm examining your body", the doctor replied.

[jpchenet]

I seldom pass along inspirational stuff, but this one got to me.
 
I believe, in these difficult times in which we live, there needs to be a message of 'Hope'.
 
We can all use a single image that speaks to us of love, harmony, peace, and joy.
 
An image that suggests the universality of us all.
 
I have been sent that image, and I want to share it with you all.
 
All I ask that all of you take a moment to reflect on it.

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