The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Fran]

LMAO - I love it!!  Absolutely recognise the slap in the face technique......

F

[Steve Pyro]

New Words for 2007
 
*  SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

*  SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then  leaves.

* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

*  CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

*  PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SITCOMs.
Single Income,  Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

* GOING FOR A McSHIT.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* OH  - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level  of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra,  i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH.
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

*   BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at   3:00am.

*   BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

*  BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

*  TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

*   PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got  4 buttocks

[Steve Pyro]

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
 
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
 
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my Vodka.

She's such a bitch.

[Steve Pyro]

Husband walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks,
"I have an idea.  It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing.
I'll not put it on, do the modeling naked and return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund for myself".

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "My God !  It wasn't that creased in the shop".

[Werner]

The old Mafia mobster is on his deathbed ....he calls his son over.
"my boy...i wanta you to hava my chrome plated 45 revolver"
'but dad'...says the son..'you know i don't like guns and stuff...why couldn't you give me your rolex watch?'
Mafia dad raises himself painfully up onto one elbow..'My son... itsa lika this,one day you mighta be married...maybe with a cuppla bambinos,and one night you maybe come home anda find your wife in bedda with another man....whatta you gonna do son?...point at your Rolex and say ...OK...times up!!!!

[Werner]

HERE ARE THE SIX ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a good year.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

AND:

Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

[Ade]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say,  "He was stoned off his ass"
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[Ade]

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

___

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

___

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."

[Snoring Rhino]

They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

__________________________________________________

Q:Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________

Q:Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q:Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q:Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q:Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

__________________________________________________

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization ofvegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal .

__________________________________________________

Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q:Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smallerthan the male population? (Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________

Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France)

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q:I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

__________________________________________________

Q:Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[nopanic - neil]

A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. While discretely admiring her, he noticed her pants.

They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious fasteners -- no zippers or buttons or anything else that he could spot.

After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her. "Excuse me, miss, but how do you get into those pants?"

"Well," she replied, "you could start by buying me a drink..."

[nopanic - neil]

Tongue twisters
Things that are difficult to say when drunk:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:

1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder

Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk: 

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer isn’t it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't... No one wants to hear me sing       

[Lawnmower Man]

Recently a Husband Superstore opened where women could go to choose a
husband from among many men. It was laid out on five floors, with men
increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.  The only rule was that once you opened the door to any floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some
husbands.....

First Floor.

The door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second Floor.

The sign read "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking, "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But I wonder what's further up?"

Third Floor.

This sign read, "These men have high paid jobs, are extremely good looking,
love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so they went further up.

Fourth Floor.

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic
streak."
"Oh mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"
So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth Floor.

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. 
The exit is to your left.
Have a nice day.

Apparently they have now opened a wife shop too.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

t.

[Bob U]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to $5, when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of chocolate cake complimentary from the last shop.

She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours prancing around town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require around the clock care to feed him, cloth him and change his nappy. And you'll now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead! What'd you buy?'

[nopanic - neil]

For all you over-achievers
What does it mean to "give 100%"? What does it mean to give more than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We've all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?

So what makes up 100% in life? Here's a mathematical approach that might help you answer these questions.

If we substitute
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
for
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z,
then
H A R D W O R K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K N O W L E D G E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%.

But wait!

A T T I T U D E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

and
B U L L S H I T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%.

Now look how far ass-kissing will take you:
A S S K I S S I N G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%.

So one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and the ass-kissing that will put you over the top. 

[Christopher]

There was a painter named Wayne who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.    As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.    Wayne put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.   So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.    Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.    Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke?

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(you're going to love this)

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"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"