The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[rcutler]

Chelsea have launched a new after shave called the "Special One"

by


U go Boss.

Keep up at the back there!

http://www.clubarnage.com/forum/index.php?topic=7701.0

[Jules G]

A woman takes a dress into the dry cleaners and says to the old lady behind the counter "dry clean this and I'll pick it up Friday"

The old lady, who is a bit deaf says "come again"

The woman says "no, this time it's yogurt"

[Christopher]

A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

The 9-year old son comes home early, sees them and hides in the wardrobe to
watch.

Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the wardrobe, not realizing that the little boy is
already in there.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball.'

Man: 'That's nice'

Boy: 'Want to buy it?'

Man: 'No, thanks.'

Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'

Man: 'OK, how much?'

Boy: '$250'

Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the lover find themselves in the
wardrobe again.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'

Man: 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy: '$750'

Man: 'Sold'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to rip off your friends like that...that is
way more than those two things cost I'm taking you to church, to
confession.'

In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to the confessional and
closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that sh*t again; you're in my wardrobe now.'

[Christopher]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.

After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
" Stanley ," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley ?"
"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 50% of all
Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies
that they will continue after recess

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that'sright,
Question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him
his name.

"Johnnie" he responds. And what is your question, Johnnie? "Actually Sir,
I have 6 questions:

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all
Americans don't have health insurance?

Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And Sixth, what the f**k happened to Stanley ?"

[Werner]

The IRS Visit

Joseph was called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), so he asked his accountant for advice on how to dress for the occasion. "Wear your shabbiest clothing so that they think you're a pauper." His accountant told him. Joseph decided to ask his lawyer as well. "Wear your best clothing so they know you aren't intimidated." The lawyer said.
Completely confused, Joseph went to his priest and told him about the conflicting advice he had received, asking for his advice.

"Let me tell you a story." The priest said. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what she should wear on her wedding night and was told to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that covered her all the way up to her neck. She also asked her best friend, who told her to wear a sexy negligee with a V neck down to her navel." Joseph was confused. "What does any of that have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"Simple." replied the priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're still going to get screwed."

[Werner]

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."

[Jules G]

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

 

[Barry]

Q: What's the difference between the Wallabies, the All Blacks and a tea bag?
A: A tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Q: What is the main function of the Wallabies coach?
A: To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q: Why don't the Wallabies backline need pre-tour travel injections?
A: Because they never catch anything.

In the next edition of Chambers dictionary under 'complacent' it reads: "New Zealand All Blacks, Australia Wallabies, RWC Quarter final, 2007."

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "New Zealand are good enough to win the World Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"


Did you hear about the NZ politician who was found dead in an All Black jersey? The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.

Q: What do you call an Australian at the RWC final?
A: Ref.

[Papa Eric]

Thought for the Day



Handle every situation like a dog.

If you can't eat it or hump it. 

 

Piss on it and walk away. 
 

[termietermite]

Subject: Manure (could be a load of c**p, but who knows)

 

 

Manure...A True Story.
 

Manure:   In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizers invention, so large shipments of manure were common. 

   
It  was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but  once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of  fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was  stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.   

Methane  began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night  with a lantern, BOOOOM! 

Several  ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was  happening

After  that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In  Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the  lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this  volatile cargo and start the production of  methane. 

Thus  evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down  through the centuries and is in use to this very day.   

You  probably did not know the true history of this  word.

Neither  did I.

I  had always thought it was a golf term.

[Jules G]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken  Surprise."
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
 "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid
rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."


 You're going to love this..................






You're going to hate yourself for loving this!






"Ah! So solly," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"

[Dangermouse]

It has been pointed out to me that a pint of Guinness is like a Catholic Priest.

It has a white collar, a black body and if you get a bad one you have a sore ar$e for a fortnight !

[Steve Pyro]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom? "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of- the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Werner]

Once upon a time, lived a beautiful Queen with beautiful large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try & touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick.

Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - Pay your bills.

[termietermite]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmwqpHsMExg
If you have a cat, you'll recognise this.  If you don't, keep watching, still funny.