The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Snoring Rhino]

I knew it was going to be a bad day.........

I rear ended a car this morning...I tell you, it is going to be a REALLY bad
day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

That's how the fight started.......

[Jules G]

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street
when
he sees a record in the window of a charity shop 'Wasp noises from
around the world'. Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can
listen to it.

"Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto his turntable.
After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost
authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and I'm the world's foremost
authority on wasps! Can you play the next track please?"

The assistant obliges and skips the needle onto the next track.
After a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is still
confused.

"No, I still don't recognise any of these wasps. Can you try the next
track?"

The assistant skips the needle on, and the world's foremost authority
on
wasps listens for a little while longer before shaking his head.

"It's no good. I just don't recognise any of these wasps"

The assistant peers at the label of the record and says "Oh, I'm
terribly sorry. I had it on the bee side"
 

[Steve Pyro]

Two Indians and a West Virginia  Hillbilly were walking through the woods.  All of a sudden one, of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

“Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an  answering,  “Wooooo!Woooo! Woooooo!”  He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about.  “Was the other Indian crazy or what?”

The Indian replied, “No, It is  our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo!  Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.  If they get an answer back, it means  there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us.”

Just then they came upon another cave.  The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!”  Immediately, there was the answer, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” from deep inside.  He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.  As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,”Ho, man!  Look at the size of this cave!  It is bigger than those the Indians found.  There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!”  He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!”

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, “WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO!”

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.


The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read;
“NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN”

[Bob U]

Technical Support Enquiries.


Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."

------

Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall."

------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe)
"If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

------

Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."

------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland."

------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."

------

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

------

Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"

------

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?"

 

[BigH]

That last one reminded me of an afternoon in a pub a few years back.
I was sitting enjoying a few beers in a very old boozer (The Mermaid, in Rye). Two archetypal 'old ladies' were sitting next to me, getting stuck into a couple of port and lemons, when one of them picked up a beer mat.
"Ooh, there's a lovely picture of the pub on here"
"Yes, and they've kindly put their phone number on there as well!"
-I looked at one of the beer mats myself, and sure enough, underneath the pen and ink illustration was
"Re-built 1412"
I can confirm that Harveys bitter tastes much better through the mouth and over the tongue, rather than down the nose and around the sinuses.
Christ knows where they thought they were...
H

[nickliv]

President Bush is lying in bed at the White House one night when he is visited by the ghost of George Washington. Mr. Bush asks him if he could give him some advice.

"Set an honourable example, as I did." Replies Washington as he suddenly disappears.

Minutes later, Bush is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson and asks him the same thing.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government, as I did." Says Jefferson as he disappears.

Next, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln, and again, Mr. Bush asks him for some advice.

President Lincoln responds, "Go see a play!"

[Christopher]

Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

'Twenty quid . . .' she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before but he decides what the heck, it's only twenty quid.

So they hide in the bushes.  They're going 'at it' for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them, it's a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making love to my wife,' Paddy answers indignantly.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well,' Paddy says, 'neither did I, until you shined that light in her face.'

[Jules G]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on  some machine and fluids from a bottle.
 
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer.

She's such a bitch........

[rcutler]

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.

The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

[nickliv]

What's blue and doesn't fit?




A dead epileptic.

[Rhino]

How do you get a goth out of a tree?

Cut the rope.




What has 2 legs and bleeds profusley?

Half a cat.

[nickliv]

What's blue and f**ks old ladies









Me in my lucky blue jumper

[Lord Pig-Pen]

 Jose Mourhinio has said he wants to go back to Portugal and never be seen in England again..... The McCanns have offered to help!



My new girlfriend has a tattoo of a large seashell at the top of her inner thigh.. its amazing... when you put your ear to it you can actually smell the sea!


If a woman is uncomfotable watching you w**k should she.
A, Get to know you better
B, stop being such a prude
or C, Sit somwhere else on the bus.

[Lord Pig-Pen]

I was feeling a bit suicidal the other day so called the Samaritans. Got put through to a call centre in Pakistan, they got very excited and asked if I could fly a plane.....

[Leftie]

Chelsea have launched a new after shave called the "Special One"

by


U go Boss.