The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Jules G]

RECTUM STRETCHER

      While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

      The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

      To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

      "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

      I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

      The cop stammered, "A what?............
        A rectum stretcher?
        And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

      "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side
to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it,
until it's about 6 feet wide."

      "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked

      "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

      Traffic Ticket $95.00
      Court Costs $45.00
      Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
      For everything else, there's MasterCard!

[Pieter]

In an attempt to revive her marriage, a woman decided to do something special for her hubby. He had always been a big Brigitte Bardot fan, so she came up with the idea to have her initials tattood on her ass. With a big B on each cheek she went home and waited for her husband to arrive.

When he came home, she said: "I have a surprise for you, come with me and I'll show you in the bedroom". He followed her to the bedroom, curious of things to come. She stripped before him, then turned around and bent over, unveiling her tattoo. "Bob?" he said, "who's Bob?"

[rcutler]

A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire," and the husband winks and says, "Honey, let's go upstairs..."

The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.

So the husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says yes.

The husband says, "Well, can I phone a friend?"

[Lord Pig-Pen]

An Irish man was driving through the countryside when he sees a bloke rowing a dingy through a field of corn.
He stops the car and shouts to the man " Its twats like you that give the irish a bad name, If I could swim I'd come over there and give you a good kicking!"

[Leftie]

Red riding hood is walking thru the woods when
she see's a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road,
Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My, what big ears you have, Mr Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road,
Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams;
"Look, will you piss off, I'm trying to have a cr@p!"

[Kpy]

Bloke says to his wife "Tell me something to make me happy and sad".
She thinks a minute, then says:
"Your cock's bigger than your brother's"

[Christopher]

A young couple wanted to join a church.

The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.

You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Reverend inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month..." the young man replied sadly.

The Reverend asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the Reverend.

"We know.." said the young man, hanging his head.. "We're not welcome at Homebase either...

[Christopher]

Twenty-five gypsies died in a massive crash on the motorway and all went to Heaven.

They turned up at the Pearly Gates en masse and asked St. Peter to let them in.

But St. Peter said that he didn’t have room for all twenty-five of them; he only had room for five, so they should all go away and think about who would come in.

A short while later, St. Peter went to see God and cried, “They’ve gone! They’ve gone!”

“Who?” said God, “The gypo’s?”

“No,” said St. Peter, “the f***ing gates.”

[Leftie]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,

"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for
the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me
wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,

"John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the
other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[nopanic - neil]

After feeling ill for a number of months, a man finally decided to visit his doctor. The doctor performed a thorough physical. After reviewing all the test results he asked the patient to get dressed and come in to his private office.

"I'm sorry to tell you this, but you've got HAGS," the doctor said.

"Gee, Doc, I've never heard of that. What is it?"

"It's a combination of hepatitis, AIDS, gonorrhea and syphilis."

"What can you give me for it?"

"Well, for starters, we'll put you on a diet of pizza and pancakes."

"Will that cure me ?" asked the patient.

"Probably not. But they're the only things we can slide under a door."

[jpchenet]

_From a Grandma_



Senior Driver

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk
if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.


I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from
a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I
bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there,
the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his
window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant
cheerleader he was for the Lord.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started
waving and smiling at all these loving people

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love There must have
been a man from Florida back there , because I heard him yelling
something about a sunny beach.  I saw another man waving in a funny way
with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage
grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an
Hawaiian good luck sign or something.


Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii** , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign back.


My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious
experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.


I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.  So I waved to all my sisters and
brothers, smiled at them all and drove on through the intersection.


I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before
the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them
after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out
of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last
time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

[Jules G]

E%ton John goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says "Elton, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."
Elton is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
Doc says "Eat one sausage, one head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, ten Jalapeno peppers, 3 raw chilli's, 40 walnuts, 40 peanuts,
all topped off with 1/2 box of All Bran cereal, washed down with a litre of prune juice."
Elton asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ar$e is for....

[Lawnmower Man]

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and
one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they
decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to
fall.

They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a
very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a
woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids
and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with
little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started
clapping.

[Steve Pyro]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong....."

[nickliv]

Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides and every time that Mary walked the boys could see her thighs.

Mary had another skirt twas split right up the front ...but she didn't wear that one very often