SmithA
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smithytours.co.uk
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« Reply #540 on: August 19, 2005, 09:14:08 am » |
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John checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a taxi.
He grabbed a card on his way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a really sexy girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs, all the way up. You know the kind. So he's in his room and figured, what the heck, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
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LM 00, 01, 02, 03, 04, 05, 06, 07 - LMS Silverstone 05 - Donington 06 - Jarama 06 - Monza 07 - Valencia 07 - Silverstone 07
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Doris
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« Reply #541 on: August 22, 2005, 03:08:03 pm » |
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A man was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a green bottle poking up out of the sand.
He picked it up and rubbed it, and 'lo-and-behold' a genie appeared!
The amazed man asked if he got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm
a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
With all the troubles in the world today, the man didn't hesitate. He said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony. I can't stand the thought of the planet living in terror every day. It needs to end right now. This is my chance to make a difference."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Fella, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find
the ideal woman. You know, one that's like a filthy whore in the bedroom and like your mother in the kitchen, enjoys cleaning, washing, ironing and
all those other boring household chores, gets along with all my mates, doesn't mind me watching sports all the time, let's me drink and smoke what I want when I want, thinks my farting and burping is funny, pays for both of us when we go out somewhere and is interested in cars. That is what I wish for ... my ideal woman."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that f#cking map again."
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Live imperfectly and with great delight.
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Bob U
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« Reply #542 on: August 24, 2005, 04:38:05 pm » |
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A blonde walks into the Home Furnishings department of John Lewis.
She tells the salesman "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains please"
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman then asks what size she needs.
The blonde promptly replies "Fifteen inches"
"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they are not for a room, they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains"
The blonde says "Hellloooooooo Iv'e got Windoooooows"
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« Last Edit: August 24, 2005, 04:40:39 pm by BOB U »
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There is a corner of a foreign field that will be forever England ------ Houx Annexe
And the bastards have built on it.
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Steve Pyro
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« Reply #543 on: August 25, 2005, 10:20:01 am » |
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Corporate Lessons
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, But by the moments that take our breath away
Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find Glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree, "sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshìt might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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Steve  East Anglian cobras 
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Doris
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« Reply #544 on: August 25, 2005, 05:03:21 pm » |
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A five-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath....
"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
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Live imperfectly and with great delight.
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Nobby Diesel
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« Reply #545 on: August 25, 2005, 06:07:15 pm » |
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Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can't eat it.
Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex life?
A. Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat anything!
Q. Do you know how to eat a frog?
A. You put one leg over each ear.
Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out.
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If you can't fix it with a hammer, you have an electrical problem.
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Bob U
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« Reply #546 on: August 30, 2005, 01:41:46 pm » |
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At the world brewing convention in the States the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of the first days conference.
Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted at the barman "In Strylya we make the best bladdy beer in the world so pour me a bladdy Fosters mate"
Chuck, CEO of Budweiser, called out next,"In the States we brew the best goddam beers in the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud"
Hans stepped up next "In Germany ve invented zer beer, verdamt Give me ein Becks, das is der real king of beers, danke"
Paddy, CEO of Guinness, stepped forward "Barman oi'll just be avin a doyet coke wid oyce and lemon, tanks"
The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazment written all over their faces.
Eventally Bruce asks "So Paddy how come you aint gonna have a bladdy Guinness?"
Paddy replies "Well, if you feckin pansies aren't drickin, den needer am I"
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There is a corner of a foreign field that will be forever England ------ Houx Annexe
And the bastards have built on it.
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Andy Zarse
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« Reply #549 on: August 31, 2005, 05:04:14 pm » |
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The world has gone mad. A bloke's shoved a mole so far up his arse that it has to be removed with an electric carving knife. Then he farts in a surgeon's face, sets fire to his own bollocks and has the sheer nerve to sue the hapless hospital. He should be ashamed.
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I wouldn't sit there if I were you, it's still a bit wet.
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Ferrari Spider
Guest
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« Reply #550 on: August 31, 2005, 05:38:34 pm » |
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what are the chances they are the people that bought smokie's van?  |
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Werner
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« Reply #551 on: September 01, 2005, 11:20:57 am » |
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A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the
rather dishy female behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to
him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him,
and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he
says "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father
of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I
shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate
whipped me and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's Language Teacher"
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"… to be honest, I did it purely for the money at first. I went to Le Mans
hoping that the car would break down. I came away in love with the place." - Eddie Irvine
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Andy Zarse
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« Reply #552 on: September 01, 2005, 12:07:18 pm » |
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A man is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather
dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says,
"Sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful:
Christ! he says "Are you that strip-a-gram on my stag night that I screwed
on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your pal whipped me
with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse!?"
No she replies coldly,"I'm your son's English Teacher"...
Werner, see previous page!  |
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I wouldn't sit there if I were you, it's still a bit wet.
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Steve Pyro
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« Reply #553 on: September 01, 2005, 05:00:09 pm » |
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Werner, see previous page! It's still funny the second time though |
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Steve East Anglian cobras
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Bob U
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« Reply #554 on: September 02, 2005, 12:17:11 pm » |
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Tony Blair started to jog near his home in Chequers.
Every day, he'd jog passed a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her what was almost certain to follow.
"Fifty pounds" She'd shout from the curb.
"No, five pounds" Tony would fire back.
This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurance.
He'd run by and she'd yell "Fifty pounds" He'd yell back "Five pounds"
One day Cherie decided that she would accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working womans corner, Tony realised she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he had been doing on his past outings.
He figured he had better have a good explanation for "the boss"
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner Tony became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough there was the hooker. Tony tried to avoid the prostitutes eyes as they jogged past.
Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled "See what you got for your five pounds"
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There is a corner of a foreign field that will be forever England ------ Houx Annexe
And the bastards have built on it.
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