The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[stuey]

Priceless

[stuey]

Priceless

[Abs]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.  Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.


She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and  the ranch was doing very well.


Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."


The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he  found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.


"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as  she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.


Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[Mr. Invincible Mou]

A man, called to testify about his tax return at Inland Revenue, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man told his best friend of the conflicting advice, and requested his opinion.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the friend "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the tax authorities?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

[Nordic]

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on
her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your
husband?" he nervously asks.
" No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery

[johnevans3]

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he
accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a corgi, crushing it to a pulp.
He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally
distraught.

The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up,
polished it and immediately a genie appeared.

"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the
genie. "As a reward, I shall grant you one wish."

"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but
let me show you this dog."
They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you
could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.
"This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is
there something else you would like?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out
two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said
Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this
>>>woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo. 'You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,
"Let's have a look at that dog again."

[Steve Pyro]

Horrible Accident

Most of us have heard a sad story about an accident involving alcohol. In all my life I have never encountered an alcohol related accident as graphic and devastating as this one. Just looking at the picture turns my stomach. Please scrole down carefully as this is uncensored and very graphic.
























.

[garystout]

Is it an accident, or part of the Bugatti circuit monday after the 24 hours?

[DavidsDad]

Puts a whole new slant on the saying "One for the road", doesn't it.

[Mr. Invincible Mou]

It's not quite as bad as it might seem   . There are at least 2 or 3 which have not broken  

[jpchenet]

A few serious questions ... it's all so true

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on insufficient funds when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a stone at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an S in the word lisp?

What is the speed of darkness?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for normal people at the Special Olympics?

If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

Can you cry under water?

What level of importance must a person have, before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?

Why is it that people say they slept like a baby when babies wake up, like, every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? .......They're still going to see you naked anyway.

Which way does the water go down the plughole if you live on the equator?

Why do women go topless on the beach, but put on their tops to go in the water?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

How does the man who drives the snowplow get to work in the  mornings?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, which way would it land?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

[Canada Phil]

Horrible Accident

Looks like Drinking for Holland  didn't get the Heinehen deal after all
Canada Phil

[johnevans3]

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining
table, and started to examine him.
The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the Midget to turn
his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he
asked the midget to cough again.
Aha!" said the doctor again, and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left
side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement
that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if
his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his
testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you
do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

[Mr. Invincible Mou]

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.

Does this mean he could be described as


"A Low Down Bum"



 

[jpchenet]

A woman goes into K-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The K-Mart salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for $44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get to $58.50?" He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are $44, but the Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.