The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Rob]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

[jpchenet]

Hi All,

Not so much a joke, but it made me smile when I saw it:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=317&item=5952634585&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW

 

Excellent!!!!  I am now the highest bidder but at $100 still haven't met the reserve.
She's in Miami so wouldn't it be great to get her to come down to Sebring sporting the Club Arnage logo!!!  

[BigH]

Very good JPC!!
I think you should ask the seller a few questions, and request the extra photos she's offered. I note you still haven't reached her reserve yet, do we ever?
H

[Andy Zarse]

It looks like your "bid has been removed" (isn't it always!). She's back down to $76. Anyway, the CA at Sebring would be a laff, so I'm in for a few quid. Don't think we need four weeks of it though.

[smokie]

Hi All,

Not so much a joke, but it made me smile when I saw it:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=317&item=5952634585&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW

 

Excellent!!!!  I am now the highest bidder but at $100 still haven't met the reserve.
She's in Miami so wouldn't it be great to get her to come down to Sebring sporting the Club Arnage logo!!!  

I'm sure she'd take a day out of her hectic Goth & DJ lifestyle to travel a few hundred miles to come to see us and really earn her $100...

Nice try tho! btw this isn't a discussion thread...

[Ballast]

JP

Have you learned nothing from past experiences on ebay?

Excellent!!!!  I am now the highest bidder but at $100

Having a speed boat tip up on the doorstep is one thing, but a goth chick with "Club Arnage" printed on her left tit might take some explaining!!

 

Especially when you tell your better half that you weren't pissed when you placed the bid!!!

[Ron Jeremy]

255 someone is really keen  

[BigH]

Heavens to Betsy! that's $2500 each!!
Will she be found in a murky parking lot wrapped up in a rolled up carpet on Monday morning?
I wish I had three bollocks.
H

[Black Granny]

It's taxable income though!

[Nordic]

These are the 10 First Place winners in the International Pun Contest. Enjoy!

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says: "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. Friars behind on their belfry payments opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, a thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....A super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!

[Andy Zarse]

>  > THIS HAPPENED ON A SYDNEY RADIOSTATION

Just imagine sitting in traffic on
>  > your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folk DID hear this on the
>  > FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award
>  > winners great prizes. The game is called
>  > MateMatch".
>  >
>  > The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously
>  > involved with someone. If the contestant answers  "yes", he or she is
>  > then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also
>  > asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for
>  > verification. If their partner answers those same three questions
>  > correctly, they both win a prize. One particular game, however, made
>  > Sydney drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest
>  > thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it went down:
>  >
>  >
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Hey! This is ED on Fox FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
>  >
>  > Contestant: (laughing)  "Yes, I have"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
>  > you win. What is your name? First name only please".
>  >
>  > Contestant:  "Brian"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Brian, are you married or what?
>  >
>  > Brian:  "Yes".
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
>  >
>  > Brian: (laughing nervously)  "Yes, I am married"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First name only please"
>  >
>  > Brian:  "Sara"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Is Sara at work Brian?"
>  >
>  > Brian:  "She's gonna kill me"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?"
>  >
>  > Brian: (laughing)  "Yes, she's at work"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "OK, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
>  >
>  > Brian:  "She's gonna kill me"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Brian, stay with me here!"
>  >
>  > Brian:  "About 8 o'clock this morning"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Atta boy Brian"
>  >
>  > Brian: (laughing sheepishly):  "Well...."
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
>  >
>  > Brian:  "About 10 minutes"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would have said that if
a
>  > trip wasn't at stake"
>  >
>  > Brian:  "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "OK. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
> morning?"
>  >
>  > Brian: (laughing hard)  "I, ummm, I, well...."
>  >
>  > DJ:  "This sounds good Brian. Where was it at?"
>  >
>  > Brian:  "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us
for
>  > a
>  > couple of weeks..."
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Uh huh"
>  >
>  > Brian:  "And the mother in law was in the shower at the time"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Atta boy Brian"
>  >
>  > Brian:  "On the kitchen table"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Not that great? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
>  > times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's
>  > work number and call her up. You listen to this"
>  >
>  > 3 minutes of commercials follow)
>  >
>  > DJ:  "OK audience, let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch
tones...ringing....)
>  >
>  > Clerk:  "Kinkos"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Hey is Sara around there somewhere?"
>  >
>  > Clerk:  "This is she"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Sara, this is Ed with Fox FM. We are live on the air right now and
>  > I've
>  > been talking to Brian for a couple of hours now"
>  >
>  > Sara: (laughing)  "A couple of hours?"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
>  > give any answers away or you'll lose. Soooooo, do you know the rules of
>  > 'Mate Match'?"
>  >
>  > Sara:  "No"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Good!"
>  >
>  > Brian: (laughing)
>  >
>  > Sara: (laughing)  "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
>  >
>  > Brian: (laughing)  "Just answer his questions honestly, OK? Be completely
>  > honest"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions Sara. If
>  > your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to
>  > the Gold Coast for 5 days on us"
>  >
>  > Sara: (laughing)  "yes"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Alright. When did you last have sex Sara?"
>  >
>  > Sara:  "Oh G.d, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "What time?"
>  >
>  > Sara:  "Around 8 this morning"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
>  >
>  > Sara:  "12, 15 minutes maybe"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Hmmm, that's close enough. I'm sure she is trying to protect his
>  > manhood. We've got one last question Sarah. You are one question away
>  > from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
>  >
>  > Sara: (laughing)  "Yes"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Where did you have it?"
>  >
>  > Sara:  "OH MY GOD BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
>  >
>  > Brian:  "Just tell them honey"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "What is bothering you so much Sara?"
>  >
>  > Sara:  "well..................."
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Come on Sara...where did you have it?"
>  >
>  > Sara:  "Up the ARSE!!!"
>  >
>  > After a long pause, the DJ said:  "Folks, we need a take a station break"
>  >

[jpchenet]

I used to have the .wav file from this. Gonna have to search through the archives!!  

[smokie]

Sorry if you've seen this before. (I have this feeling I've posted it before but I can;t be bothered to check). And if you don't find it funny. I liked it though.

 

Do you feel old?

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were
Kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have
survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured
lead-based paint, which was promptly chewed and licked.

We had no child-proof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or
cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and
fluorescent 'spokey dokey's' on our wheels. As children, we would ride
in cars with no seat belts or air bags - riding in the passenger seat
was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it
tasted the same.

We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with
sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always
outside playing..

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no
one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top
speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve
the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as
we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no
one minded.

We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99
channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile
phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chat rooms.

We had friends - we went outside and found them.

We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt!

We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no
lawsuits.

We had full on fistfights but no prosecution followed from other
parents.

We played knock-on-the-door-and-run-away and were actually afraid of
the owners catching us.

We walked to friends' homes.

We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy
or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls. We rode bikes in packs
of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard
of...They actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion
of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them. Congratulations!

Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow as real kids,
before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.

For those of you who aren't old enough thought you might like to read
about us.

This my friends, is surprisingly frightening, and it might put a smile
on your face:

The majority of students in universities today were born in 1986. They
are called youth.

They have never heard of "We are the World", "We are the children",
And the Uptown Girl they know is by West life not Billy Joel. They
have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda
Carlisle.

For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam. AIDS
has existed since they were born.

CD's have existed since they were born.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't
imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.

They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are Films
From last year.

They can never imagine life before computers.

They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, Red-Hand Gang or the
Famous Five.

They'll never have applied to be on "Jim'll Fix It" or "Why Don't
You".

They can't believe a black and white television ever existed. And they

will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile
phone.

Now let's check if we're getting old...

1. You understand what was written above and you smile.

2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night
out.

3. Your friends are getting married/already married.

4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably
with computers.

5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.

6. You remember watching Dirty Den in East-Enders the first time
around..

7. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good old
days, repeating again all the funny you have experienced together.

8. Having read this, you are thinking of forwarding it to some
other friends because you think they will like it too...

[Ballast]

For all those who have ever been frustrated by the "London Underground"

http://www.backingblair.co.uk/london_underground/

WARNING - there is swearing on this so you may wanna turn the volume down. enjoy

[hgb]

I used to have the .wav file from this. Gonna have to search through the archives!!  

Yes please, that one is really good.