The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Steve Pyro]

But really, what a prize twit!

"Stupid" and "the C word" come to mind  

[Mr. Invincible Mou]

Actually, on a serious note, that top mole looks a bit iffy.

I would seriously recommend that he have that checked out in case it turns out to be malignant!  

[Matt Harper]

At first glance of pic #1, I thought, "Hmm, trouble brewing...." - then I thought, "Wait a minute, that looks like Jaques Villeneuve...."
The subsequent shots just go to prove that alcohol and kids don't mix.
Kinda puts Harry's 'Firey Jack' story in perspective. The quantities of phosphorus (a key ingredient of napalm) in the firework mix look like it's done the job, regarding the deep tissue burns.
That must have been f**k*ng agonising. All three arseholes concerned, need a damn good kicking.

[Fax]

I'm curious, how sh*t-faced you have to be before firing a bottle rocket from your rectum sounds like a good idea?  No doubt Steve...The term dumb-f**k pretty well hits it on the screws.
John

[Rhino]

I wonder what the bottle was used for in the first pic?
And then he endured some water sports in the final one

[Steve Pyro]

George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a celebration lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant.  Their waitress approaches their table to take their order; she is young and very attractive.

She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad.  "Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you want, Mr. President?"
Bush answers, "How about a  quickie?"

Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked  and  disappointed in you. I thought you were committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a  huff.
Cheney  leans over to Bush, and says, "Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced  'quiche'".

[Steve Pyro]

Breaking News ...........

The Palestinians are going to replace Arafat with his brother Marrowfat who knows all about the peas process.

[Mr. Invincible Mou]

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge
in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing
through from Lame Deer. Another is a cowboy on his way to Billings for a
stock show. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly
arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the two
Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim. The conversation
falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his
boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his
face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds, and the old windsock flaps; but no
plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks,
”Once, my people were many, now we are few.”

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
“Once my people were few,” he sneers, “and now we are many. Why do you
suppose that is?”

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth
and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl,
“That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet!”

[Mr. Invincible Mou]

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as quickly as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her mom was coming to visit, which stressed Santa out even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

When he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering the toys.

Frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces.

So he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa! Isn't it just a lovely day? I have this beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?

Thus began the tradition of the little angel atop the Christmas tree.

[Bob U]

I always wondered why we do that. Obviouse really now you have explained it.

[Nordic]

Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us
know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp!
Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied,
"Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury
fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings
account certificate for 5 million For my little brother, this gold
Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition
convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to
the Country Club... takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to
spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera,
and...."
"Now what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"
"Faith and begorrah! - you scared me half to death, girl! I
thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"

[Canada Phil]

From another unreliable source.

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never
been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.  He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming
winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to
collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again.  "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered
them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather
Service again.  "Are you absolutely sure that the
winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied.  "It's looking more and
more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting
firewood like crazy

[jpchenet]

Sven-Goran Eriksson spots a turd in the England changing room.

"Who's sh*t on the floor?" he asks.

"Me Boss!" cries Emile Heskey, "But I'm not bad in the air!"

[Nordic]

A housewife opened her door to give the postman his Christmas treat.
"Come on in" she said. Then she led him upstairs where she undressed him, then herself and made love to him. Afterwards, she made him a cup of
tea
and handed him a £5 note.

"This is a very unusual Christmas present" he stuttered.
"Actually, it was my husbands idea" she said " I wanted to give you £50.

But my husband said:` Fifty quid? No way. F*** the postman, give him a cup of tea and a fiver instead`"

[Steve Pyro]

Usefull!