The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[johnevans3]

Nice one Nordic!  Here's one.

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down
here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink
till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the
world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're
already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette,
poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl
of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do
all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I
never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

[smokie]

You'll have seen these before - I have - but they still make me chuckle...

These are things people have actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife £275 a week."

"That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

[Steve Pyro]

Another one ona Legal theme-

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.....  

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've know you since you were a young boy,and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a  two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you"

The Lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.Jones. do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for  contempt."

[Steve Pyro]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

Ventriloquist: "Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

The New Zealander is shocked!

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?"

Dog: "Yep."

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

The New Zealander can't believe his ears!

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

New Zealander: "The horse doesn't talk."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "No worries."

The New Zealander's mouth is agape.

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?"

Horse: "Yep."

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

The New Zealander is TOTALLY amazed!

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar."

[Steve Pyro]

Not a joke but made me laugh none the less!

[Steve Pyro]

DOUGLAS THE CRAB
----------------

Douglas the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Douglas in tears.

"We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed.

"Why?" gasped Douglas.

"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only
walk sideways."

Douglas was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic olivion.

That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Douglas the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne.

Slowly, painstakingly, Douglas the crab made his way across the floor.......and all could see that he was walking, not sideways............but FORWARDS.........Yes FORWARDS, one claw after another!!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he looked the King lobster in the eye.






There was a deadly hush..................................









For quite a while...........................









Finally, the crab spoke.......
















"f**k, I'm pissed."

[Bob U]

Brilliant Steve. I was just about to pack up and go home but checked the joke thread first and that one has  set me up for the weekend.

[Mr. Invincible Mou]

Bloody French drivers!!

[DelBoy]

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell, and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since
there is more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong
to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls
in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of
the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has
to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

 

[Nordic]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly
gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells".

Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.



St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what
do those symbolise?"



The man replied, "They're Carols"

[Ballast]

Happiest day of my life.












Walking down the aisle.











Towards my wife.











Everyone smiling.











The vicar said a few nice words.











I kissed my wife.











And then closed the coffin!

[Nordic]

Subject: Cowboy and Lesbian


An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working
cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay,
doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors,
and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think
about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of
women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old
cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a
lesbian."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


 Last year, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute Xmas shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of
 the  Christmas season. It was dark, cold, and wet in the Kwik Save car
   park, I noticed that I was missing the ticket which I would need
 to
get
  out of the car park, so mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps
 to the supermarket entrance.

 As I was searching the wet pavement, I heard a quiet sobbing. The  
 crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 10 years old.

He was  short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged fannel shirt  to protect him from the cold evening's chill.

He was holding two fifty pound notes in his hand. Thinking that he  had  got lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong and he told me  his sad story.

He came from a large family. His father had died when he was seven  years old. His mother worked two full time jobs to make ends meet.

Nevertheless, she had managed to scrimp and save two hundred pounds to buy her children Christmas presents.

The young boy had been dropped  off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his brothers and sisters and save just enough to take the bus home.

He had not even entered the shopping centre, when an older boy
grabbed  two of his fifty pound notes and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?

 The boy stared at the ground and sadly shook his head.

"How loud did you scream?" I enquired.

 The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

 I  realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other two fifty pound notes and f*cked off.

[Steve Pyro]

               Witness Search


Good Day to you all,

This is a call for anyone who may have witnessed the following:
 
Yesterday, at about 14:00 all of my wheels were stolen and replaced with bricks during the period that I was out of the office having a coffee (from 10:00 to 16:00).

I am well behind in my work and now I have to waste my time with these stupidities and on top of it all I will be fired from my job!!!

If anyone of you, my dear friends, has seen anything, please let me know.
I could even go as far as offering a reward to whoever helps me.

Anticipated thanks.

PS. Here is a photo taken at the scene of the crime(theft with irritating consequences).

Once again, good day to you all.













.

[Mr. Invincible Mou]

I know that a lot of you quite like the firework experience whilst away for the weekend, but the attached piccys demonstrate why you should not mess around with fireworks.

Or at the very least do not allow children or Germans (it is they in the pictures) to play with them!!!

[Andy Zarse]

It's a wonderful stunt and no mistake. Wonder how long til he could sit down again? The plastic surgeon probably had to take a skin graft off of his face to stick on his arse, which is somewhat ironic.

Let that be a lesson: Never return to a lit German.  

But really, what a prize twit!