The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Bob U]

Just been to Starbucks and tried their new coffee. Osama Bin Latte, a white frothy head with a couple of shots in it.

[Jules G]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.
 
As usual, he was asked to strip off;  he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.....
 
"At this stage of the procedure, it's quite normal to get an erection," said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.
 

[Nobby Diesel]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf When she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return To the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said,
'Then your feet are too far apart.'

[Steve Pyro]

A couple of leg pullers -


My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!  Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.



I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.  They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

[Jules G]

In light of the dispatching of Osama Bin Laden     

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE   



The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.



-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

[Bob U]

Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from home sickness, saying that even though he is happy in Manchester he does Miss Wales occasionally!

[landman]

Imogen Thomas, the lady at the centre of the Twitter scandal, says that she's taking up a career in music. She claims to have done giggs in Manchester already.

[Brian(Liverpool boys)]

Came out of a chippy eating fish and chips a tramp said to me " I haven't had anything to eat for 5 days" so I said to him "I wish I had your will power!"

[Rhino]

My girlfriend said to me this morning, "Man U were sh*t last night."
I left the room in tears; 4 minutes is a personal best for me.

[nickliv]

My wife wants me to get rid of all my Monkees memorabilia.

Honestly, I've had it for years, and I thought she was joking.

But then I saw her face....

[hansy69]

Paddy and Murphy playing marbles in the gutter.........

Paddy fell off the roof.

[Jules G]

for those of us still at home..................

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, she is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips he responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each others clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

[Lawnmower Man]

 magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in middle of the show,

"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another. On the third day, the parrot could not hold back any longer:

"OK, I give up. Where's the fisking ship?

[Steve Pyro]

During a moment of weakness a Doctor has sex with one of his patients.  He becomes tortured with guilt.
In one ear his conscience is saying "you're a single man, don't worry about it"
In his other ear his conscience is saying "you're a bloody Vet you sick Bastard"

[Steve Pyro]

Well my new gym membership didn't last long! First day there I am bending over and spot a hole in the bottom of my trainer just big enough to push my finger inside. - She has made a formal complaint and now I'm bloody banned!!