The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Papa Eric]

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).

WIFE: Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - silence - -

HUSBAND: F * * k ...

[Papa Eric]

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decides to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his shotgun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged shooting him in the genitals.
 
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by the doctor, who said, "Well Sir I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're going to be okay. The damage was local to your groin. There was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all the buckshot. The bad news is that there was some pretty intensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
 
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the deer hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
 
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Phoenix Symphony Orchestra.  She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

[enzo]

Took my dad to the shopping centre the other day to buy some new shoes
(he
is 84)..  We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him The teenager
had
spiked hair in all different colours: green, red,
orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look
and
find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked: 'What's the
matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response: 'Got stoned
once and fu*ked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'.

[Papa Eric]

A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence," says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence,"says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
"We'll have a new one."

[Papa Eric]

Traffic Question

Most men will get this right!   


Q:   You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted, and you come upon a  bicycle rider.   

Do you:

(a) Follow this slow-moving  bicycle rider for the next 3 miles, or

(b) Do you  break the law and pass?


Which is the correct  choice?


A:   Why take unnecessary risks and get a ticket?
 
IT'S ONLY FOR THREE MILES,  WHAT IF SHE FALLS!
 

Men get it right, because men are more considerate.

[Papa Eric]

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
 
The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start
reminiscing. 'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'
 
'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.
 
'He's a martyr now though' mum confides
 
'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.
 
'And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'
 
'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'. 'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.  'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.
 
'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.  He would be 18, she whispers.' 'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically,  'I remember when he first started school' 'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.
 
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... 'They blow up so fast these days, don't they?'

[Papa Eric]

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy:  "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. 
I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to
talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you.  He shows up at my apartment
punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a
fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! 
Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury
car... A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. 
Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner...
Lobster, champagne, Dessert, and after-dinner drinks. 
Then we go see a show.
 
Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have
just died from pleasure!  So then we are coming
back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. 
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress
and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't
go out with him?"

Edna:  "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

[TobyAnscombe]

Little Johnny walked into his parents room and saw Mommy bent over the dresser and Daddy ramming her from behind.

Daddy looked at Johnny and smiled and winked.

Johnny left the room and a little while later Daddy went to Johnny's room and found Johnny's grandmother bent over the dresser and Johnny ramming her from behind.

Daddy yelled JOHNNY WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!?? and Johnny said It's not so funny when it's YOUR MOM huh?

[Papa Eric]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
 
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech...
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for

[Papa Eric]

The Silent Treatment..

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, He would need his
wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM '

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[Papa Eric]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
 
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position.
 
 As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband
 asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
 
 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws''

[Papa Eric]

WOMEN'S REVENGE..
 
'Cash, cheque or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman
 Wished to purchase.
 
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
 
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
 
'No,' she replied, ' but my husband refused to come shopping with
me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him
legally.'

[Papa Eric]

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN..
  (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
 
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it
onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be
afraid of a spider..

[Papa Eric]

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women
use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
 
 The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat
 everything to men...
 
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

[Papa Eric]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew
  the coffee each morning.
 
  The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and
  then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'
 
  The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and
  you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait
  for my coffee.'
 
  Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the
  Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
 
  Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
 
  So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed
  him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'