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Author Topic: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread  (Read 972328 times)
Steve Pyro
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« Reply #1755 on: January 12, 2009, 01:51:30 pm »

Wise words indeed -

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh*t.

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« Reply #1756 on: January 14, 2009, 05:43:16 pm »

A man and a  woman who had never met before,
but who were  both married to other people,   found  themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a  trans-continental train.
 
Though  initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, 
they  were  both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper  berth and she in  the lower. 

At 1:00 AM,  the man leaned down and gently woke the woman  saying,..........   'Ma'am,

I'm sorry  to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into  the closet  to get me a second blanket? 

I'm awfully  cold.'

'I have a  better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,..... let's  pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!......................  That's a great idea!', he exclaimed. 

'Good,' she  replied. .............'Get your own f**king  blanket.'

After a  moment of silence, ....................he  farted.

The  End
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Steve Pyro
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« Reply #1757 on: January 14, 2009, 06:36:28 pm »

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 pound coins to play with to
keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pound coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the coins, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?'

'No,' the woman replied. 'I'm a Divorce lawyer.'
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Jules G
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« Reply #1758 on: January 15, 2009, 04:42:28 pm »

credit Crunch.........The married version

Husband and Wife are in tesco shopping, man picks up a box of Stella and sticks it in the trolley

"What do you think you are doing?" says the wife

"There on offer £10 for 24 cans", he says

"Put them back, we can't afford it"

A few aisles later the wifey picks up a £20 face cream and puts it in the trolley.

"What do you think you are doing?" asked the husband

"It's my face cream, it makes me look beautiful" she says.

Husband replies, "So does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the price"

 Grin
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Dangermouse
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« Reply #1759 on: January 15, 2009, 11:43:50 pm »

I posted this on Beermountain too....

 


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Did I just say that out loud?
Barry
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« Reply #1760 on: January 16, 2009, 10:35:34 am »

VOTED BEST AUSTRALIAN JOKE FOR 2008. by Australians





A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
Couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news
first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
Of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what
the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so
we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or
five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and
All that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young
Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and
pull her up again!
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Jules G
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« Reply #1761 on: January 20, 2009, 10:41:34 am »

A Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding,
meet with their Mullah for counselling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
Ahmed asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men,
and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception,
we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah.
"It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah Akbar! (GOD is great)
Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah Akbar. Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Allah Akbar!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets
with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators,leather harnesses,
a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed.. Allah Akbar!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.

"Because that could lead to dancing!"

 

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Papa Eric
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« Reply #1762 on: January 20, 2009, 11:45:29 pm »

A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment.



After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:


Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be very clear on my child's illustration.  It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint.  I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.  This photo is of me selling a shovel.

Mrs. Harrington
 
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Papa Eric
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« Reply #1763 on: January 20, 2009, 11:46:10 pm »

Oops!


* school pic joke.jpg (15.6 KB, 432x323 - viewed 342 times.)
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Bob U
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« Reply #1764 on: January 21, 2009, 11:37:33 am »

Are people really that stupid?Huh??
 
 
Number One Idiot of 2008


I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.  Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.  I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.  She calmed down and at the end of the conversation and happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.
               
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
               
               
               
               
Number Two Idiot of 2008
               
             
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s.  They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.  Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them.  It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.  They are no longer employed at Boeing.
               
Here's your sign, guys.  Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
               
               
               
               
Number Three Idiot of 2008
               
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag."  While standing in line,  waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.  So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.  After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.  She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
               
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK", and left.  He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
               
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
               
               
               
               
Number Four Idiot of 2008
               
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.  After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.  He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."  The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.  The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.  The robber then ran from the store with his loot.  The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.  They arrested the robber two hours later.
               
This guy definitely needs a sign.
               
               
               
               
Idiot Number Five of 2008
               
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"  When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
               
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.
               
               
               
               
Idiot Number Six of 2008
               
               
Arkansas:  Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.  So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.  The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.  The whole event was caught on videotape!
               
               
               
Idiot Number Seven of 2008
               
I live in a semi-rural area (Weyauwega, Wisconsin).  We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.  The reason:  "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
               
               
STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they REPRODUCE...!!!


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« Reply #1765 on: January 24, 2009, 05:39:51 am »

Sheila was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them was washing her private area, and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.They went to her husband Bruce and explained what happened, telling him,"Crazy as this sounds maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
Bruce was skeptical, but they assured him, that they'd close the curtains for privacy. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" Bruce replied, "I guess she choked."    Smiley
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stay ginger xxx
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« Reply #1766 on: January 26, 2009, 11:13:33 am »

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons' where:

Smiley means a smile and

Sad is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ARSE-ICONS?'

Here goes:

(_!_) regular arse

(__!__) fat arse 

(!) tight arse

(_*_) sore arse   

{_!_} squishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around 

(_x_) kiss my arse 

(_X_) leave my arse alone

(_zzz_) tired arse   

(_E=mc2_) smart arse   

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse

(_?_) Dumb arse
 

You have just been e-mooned!
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Papa Eric
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« Reply #1767 on: January 26, 2009, 11:16:47 am »

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
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« Reply #1768 on: January 26, 2009, 01:24:05 pm »

BANNED FROM DISNEY FOR LIFE!!!


* banned from disney.jpg (53.3 KB, 425x379 - viewed 468 times.)
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« Reply #1769 on: January 26, 2009, 01:31:57 pm »

This is neat! Try not to spend all day at this.

http://www.bassfiles.net/parachute.swf
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