The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Christopher]

Why Its Important to Understand English.......

I had some Euros I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.  Short line.  Just one lady in front of me -- an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for pounds and she was a little irritated.   

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat pown fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?  Why it change?'   

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too!'

[termietermite]

De: Dégoûté de Guildford
A: L’Editeur, Le Telegraph

Monsieur,
J’étais dégoûté de reader dans plusieurs newspapiers et magazines que très few peuple peuvent parler le français comme quoi je peux. Et que nos enfants sont les plus lazy petits gits sur la planète.
Inévitablement, c’est toute la fault de notre Gouvernement, le Nouveau Labeur, Mr. Antoine B. Liar, Mr. Jean Presque-Ott, Mr. David Blanquette et tous les autres retards. Pas many jeune people aspirent à être les teachers nowajours, cos ils ne wantent pas être beaten up ou killed dans le playground pendant le break. La crème de notre yoof anglais ne speak pas even Anglais proprement, mais nous can changer tout that.

Je propose Mr. Ali G. pour Secrétaire d’Education. Quel rôle-modèle pour nos kids. Un monsieur refined, intelligent, sympathique, en touche avec les feelings de nos enfants, un monsieur pas frightened à asker les questions nous tous wantons à knower les answers à. Par example, “Avez vous ever tried feminism? Vous savez? Avec une girlfriend?” Ou, toutes les questions il askait Posh et Becks dans l’interview sur “Rouge Nez Jour”. C’est on par avec les interviewing skills du tard Sir Rougegorge Jour.
Imaginez Prime Ministre’s Question Temps:
Mr. G: “Will the droîte honorable membre tellez la maison OÙ Leo était conceived? À Balmoral? Le droîte honorable membre (sic) a fait le business avec la old boiler sous la Reine’s roof? C’est treasonable. Non, non, pas très reasonable, vous fool”.
Mr. Parleur: “Ordure, ordure.”
Imaginez also que Mr. G. et Mr. Presqu-Ott peuvent understand each autre, ‘cos ils parlent la Reine’s Anglais.
Mr. Presqu-Ott: “Je suis gutted.”
Mr. G: “Vous meanez guttered.”
Mr. Presqu-Ott: “Non, gutted. J’ai eu le liposuction.”
Mr. G: “Demandez l’argent back. Vous was robbed.”

So, vous voyez, nous must bring les languages à life pour stimuler nos kids. (Vous pouvez aller à jail pour stimulatant kids, vous savez? –Ed.) Every famille doît avoir une French au pair girl pour teacher le français aux kids (et Papa). Et après, quand vous parlez parfait français, vous can have des au pairs Hollandaise, Belge, Italienne, Español, Norwegienne, German et Swedish. Vous neederez à learner les mots très commonly usé en France: “Divorce Notaire”.

Nous must also teacher les kids le culture de nos neighbours européan, les arts, le history et le gastronomie. Nous must explain que c’est quite normal que les francais mangent quoi ils trouvent dans le jardin, des alouettes, pigeons, thrushes, escargots, grenouilles et slugs avec plenty de garlic beurre. Pas à mention les livers de Jemima Puddle Canard. Des stomachs de varieux animals. Des prairie huitres.
Ils sont presque as dégoûtant as the Ecossais avec leur haggis. Ne forgettez pas que les français et les ecossais sont old amis. Ils used to ganger up contre les anglais – “La Auld Alliance”- pour beater le m*rde hors de them. Ah, oui, vous neederez aussi une au pair écossaise.
So, là vous l’avez, pas si difficile si vous puttez votre mind à it.
À next semaine, quand je vous learnerai plus de cette langue magnifique.

[SteveZarse]

Tres amusing (pour une french) 

[Werner]

WHAT TIME IS IT?

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hel_l -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% o f the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

[Leftie]

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% o f the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Mr. Branson, I hope you're reading this. You were nearly there with the Massage girls all in white. Were they Virgins as well?

[termietermite]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. she puts her lover in the cupboard, not
realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'
man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '£750'
man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy -'£1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church
and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my cupboard now'

[Christopher]

A crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, on a summer ride in the
country,  walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:


CHEESEBURGER : $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

HAND JOB: $100.00

 

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and  beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a  meager looking group of farmers. 

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'


'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives  the hand-jobs?'

 

'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'


The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands,   I want a cheeseburger.'

[Steve Pyro]

Just a Tap on the Shoulder....

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few minutes everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me'. The frightened passenger apologized to the cab driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.  Today is my first day driving a cab.  I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

[Jules G]

Ref:  Installing a Husband


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance --

particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail!

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

....................................................................

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

[termietermite]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are     
 things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now   
 published! By court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while 
 these exchanges were actually taking place.                               
                                                                           
 ATTORNEY:   Are you sexually active?                                     
 WITNESS:     No, I just lie there.                                       
                                                                           
                                                                           
 _____________________________________                                     
 ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?             
 WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.                                   
                                                                           
                                                                           
 _____________________________________                                     
 ATTORNEY:   This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?   
 WITNESS:       Yes.                                                       
 ATTORNEY:    And in what ways does it affect your memory?                 
 WITNESS:      I forget.                                                   
 ATTORNEY:    You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?                                                                   
 _____________________________________                                     
 ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that   morning?                                                                 
 WITNESS:    He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'                                 
 ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?                                   
 WITNESS:    My name is Susan!                                             
 _____________________________________                                     
 ATTORNEY:   Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?                                                                   
 WITNESS:    We both do.                                                   
 ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?                                                       
 WITNESS:    We do.                                                       
 ATTORNEY:  You do?                                                       
 WITNESS:    Yes, voodoo                                                 
 _____________________________________                                     
                                                                           
                                                                           
 ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his       
 sleep, he doesn't   know  about  it until the next morning?               
 WITNESS:    Did you actually pass the bar exam?                           
 _____________________________________                                     
                                                                           
                                                                           
 ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?         
 WITNESS:     Uh, he's twenty-one.                                         
 _____________________________________                                     
                                                                           
                                                                           
 ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?                 
 WITNESS:   Are you kidding' me?                                           
 _____________________________________                                     
                                                                           
                                                                           
 ATTORNEY:   So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?       
 WITNESS:     Yes.                                                         
 ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?                         
 WITNESS:   Uh.... I was getting' laid!                                   
 _____________________________________                                     
 ATTORNEY:    She had three children, right?                               
 WITNESS:     Yes.                                                         
 ATTORNEY:    How many were boys?                                         
 WITNESS:      None .                                                     
 ATTORNEY:    Were there any girls?                                       
 WITNESS:    Are you shittin' me?                                         
 Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?                                                     
 _____________________________________                                     
                                                                           
                                                                           
 ATTORNEY:   How was your first marriage terminated?                       
 WITNESS:     By death.                                                   
 ATTORNEY:   And by whose death was it terminated?                         
 WITNESS:     Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?               
 _____________________________________                                     
                                                                           
                                                                           
 ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?                               
 WITNESS:    He was about medium height and had a beard.                   
 ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?                                   
 WITNESS:    Guess.                                                       
 _____________________________________                                     
 ATTORNEY:   Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
 notice which I sent to your attorney?                                     
 WITNESS:   No, this is how I dress when I go to work.                     
 _____________________________________                                     
 ATTORNEY:   Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?                                                                   
 WITNESS:     All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?                                                   
 _____________________________________                                     
 ATTORNEY:   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?                                                                       
 WITNESS:     Oral.                                                       
 _____________________________________                                     
 ATTORNEY:    Do you recall the time that you examined the body?           
 WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.                         
 ATTORNEY:   And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?                         
 WITNESS:     No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!                                                           
 _____________________________________                                     
 ATTORNEY:   Are you qualified to give a urine sample?                     
 WITNESS:  Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?                 
 _____________________________________                                     
                                                                           
                                                                         

And the best for last:                                                   
 _____________________________________                                     
                                                                           
                                                                           
 ATTORNEY:   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?                                                                   
 WITNESS:     No.                                                         
 ATTORNEY:   Did you check for blood pressure?                             
 WITNESS:     No.                                                         
 ATTORNEY:   Did you check for breathing?                                 
 WITNESS:     No.                                                         
 ATTORNEY:   So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?                                                       
 WITNESS:     No.                                                         
 ATTORNEY:   How can you be so sure, Doctor?                               
 WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.           
 ATTORNEY:   I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?                                                             
 WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.         

[Leftie]

Just goes to show that real humour if seen everyday in life.

[Leftie]

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind
him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
''What was that for?' he asks.


'That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name
Mary-Ellen written on it,' she replies.


'Don't be silly,' he says. 'Two weeks ago when I went to the races,
Mary-Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on.'


She seems satisfied and at this apologises.


Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails
him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes around, he asks again
'what was that for?!'


Your f---king horse phoned.'

[Leftie]

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb
on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and
rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Ignore constant hissing from cat. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.& nbsp; Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of whisky. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire brigade to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.
Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little sh*^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find
heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of whisky. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any dogs.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.

[iomac]

Have just found a rich vein of humour that kept me entertained for a while and so I thought I would share it!



I thank you!!!!!!!!!!!

Well done for mining that rich vein of humour. As you can see, I left all the best ones in. smokie 

[Papa Eric]

A bank robber is leaving the scene of his crime when he notices one of the bank’s customers, who he told all to face the floor, is looking straight at him.  “You’ve seen my face” the thief said, “I’ll have to kill you” and he then shot the man.

At that he spots another of the customers quickly looking away.  “You too” he said and shot the second customer.  “Has anyone else looked?” the robber asked.

A man from the back, still facing the ground called out “I think my wife caught a glimpse of you!”