The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Jules G]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and
indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the
wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided
to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering
nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to
the gentleman.

The note read:

'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants '


After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.


It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have a beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'

[Jules G]

Letters sent to the Editor of Viz................................

If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.
 
Christina Martin, London
 
 I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.
 
Martin Kristos
 
It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.
 
Johnny Pring
 
I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.
 
Alan Heath
 
A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
 
M Lovejoy
 
"She can dish it out, but she cannot take it", I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.
 
Mrs Pinches, Hereford
 
I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.
 
S Prodnipple , Scarborough
 
So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.
 
D Antarctica , Rhyll
 
I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.
 
Stella Matlock
 
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.
 
T Potter
 
Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.
 
Warren
 
THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.
 
Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire
 
TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
 
Joe McKeown
 
I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
 
Neil Palmer
 
I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.
 
A Terrorist
 

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
 
Stu Bray
 
'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
 
Colum Hill
 
'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.
 
Raymond Wankybollocks
 

[jpchenet]

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut
off from his willy after his mistress found the ring in his pants
pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.


I don't know what's worse:


1) Having your mistress find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your willy.
3) Or finding out your willy fits through your wedding ring.

[Jules G]

  A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin".

  "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been
married ten times.?"

  "Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be.

  "Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how
it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back
with me.

  "Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked
out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

  "Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the
order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

  "Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of
the-art method.

  "Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

  "Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was
never sure how to position it.

  "Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

  "Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

  "Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... God I
miss him.

  " But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

  "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

  "Your're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
  This time I KNOW I'M gonna get
   screwed."

[dukla]

Why men aren't agony aunts

Dear Neville,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him any more.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk


Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Neville

[jpchenet]

A lady walked into a Lexus Dealer Shop just to browse. Suddenly she spotted
the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect
it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather
upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her. Embarrassed, she
anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales
person didn't pop up right  now. But, as she turned back, there, standing
next to her, is a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help
you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as
though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked, "Sir, what is the
price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that
if you farted just by touching it, you are going to sh*t  yourself  when you hear the
price !!!  ;-) 

[Leftie]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a
petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf,
greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of
who the golf pro is.

'' Top of the mornin to yer, sir'' says the attendant. Tiger
nods a quick 'hello'' and bends forward to pick up the
nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket
onto the ground.

''What are those, asks the attendant.

''They're called tees'' replies Tiger.

''Well, what on God's earth are dey for.'' inquires the
Irishman.

''They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving, says
Tiger.

''Fookin Jaysus'', says the Irishman, ''BMW thinks of
everything'' 

[Werner]

MATH EXAM
For the unaware, there is a slight difference between private schools and comprehensives in Britain.

The Department of Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Math Exam papers accordingly.

Attached are the most recent math exam papers for your reference.


MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES
Name _____________________________

Nickname__________________________

Gang Name________________________

1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is GBP40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damon's GBP500 a day coke habit?

3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid to make a 20% profit. How many grams of Strychnine will he need?

4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got GBP350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends GBP33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free ?

6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets whacked?



MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS
Name___________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
(If longer please continue on a separate sheet)

School _______________________________________________

Daddy's/Mummy's Company ____________________________

1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old man asks his local Chief Constable to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?

2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number of debutants, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds?

4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When will he stand for parliament?

[Leftie]

All Drugs have a generic name.

   
Tylenol is Acetaminophen

Advil is Ibuprofen
And so on...

   
What's the generic name for Viagra?










Mycoxafailin.

[Werner]

A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"

"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?" "About two minutes ago," came the reply.

[nopanic - neil]

Computers for country folk

[Leftie]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads to the docks once more for old times'
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room, and he's soon going at it as well as he
can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, ' How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well old sailor, you're doing about 3 knots'.

'Three knots!' he asks,  'What's that supposed to mean ?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back !' 

[garyfrogeye]

A Short Love Story
 
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.


Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....


He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,

'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f**k*n blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.
 
The End

[Leftie]

A little boy working on his arithmetic.
 
The teacher says "Imagine there are 5 blackbirds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun
& shoot one . How many blackbirds are left ?"
 
The little boy thinks for a moment & says "NONE !"
 
The teacher replies, "None -- how do you get that ?"
 
The little boy says, "If I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the
fence."
 
The teacher replies, "Hmmmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think. !!"
 
The little boy then says, "Teacher, can I ask you a question" ?
 
There are three women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones.

One is licking her cone, another is biting it, & the third is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married ?"

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably & then finally replies,

"Well I guess the one sucking her cone".
 
To which the little boy replies, "Actually, it`s the one with the wedding ring on , but I do like

the way YOU think !!!

[Leftie]

Although I'm an Engineer and can be very Civil sometimes, my son has been sensible and became an Accountant at PwC. But, I've had a few BAD experiences with the number crunchers in the past. so here goes again.............................

Three surgeons were discussing their favourite type of patient. 

The first said, “I like artists, when you cut them open, they are awash with colour inside.”

The second surgeon said, “I much prefer engineers, when you open them up, everything is orderly and numbered.”

“Nonsense,” said the third. “The easiest are Accountants, they have only two parts - their mouth and their rears - and those are interchangeable.”

                                                                                           *******

A fellow walks into a bar with a ten inch, scowling man on his shoulder.  He orders a drink.  The little man jumps off his shoulder, drinks a third of the drink and climbs back up.  The fellow then orders a sandwich.  The little man likewise devours a third of the sandwich. 

After this goes on for two more drinks, the barman says,  “Hey mate, I don’t usually pry into customers’ private affairs, but what the hell is it with that little guy?” 

The customer replies, “Well, I found a bottle on the beach.  When I uncorked it, out popped a genie.  He gave me one wish.  I asked for a ten inch prick and the genie shrunk my Accountant.”

                                                                                         *******


An Engineer was taking his holidays at the seaside with his family.  Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted.  “Darling, it was only a shark,” assured his wife when he came to.  “You’ve got to stop imagining that there are Accountants everywhere.”