The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[dukla]

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going
home, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on
his case and stayed on it.
 
After a couple of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and
pointed at him and made him an offer "How would you like it if you
didn't see me for a couple of days?!?"

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said,
"That would suit me just fine!!"

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday
went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went
down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[jpchenet]

Taser Stun Gun

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary, and I was looking for a little something 'extra' for my wife.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the thing, and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to the Wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all THAT bad, with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner with my cat, Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions, and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, (for only a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms, and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would just be wasting the batteries.

All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; (pretty cute really, and loaded with two little, itsy-bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'NO possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it master,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't POSSIBLY hurt all that bad...

I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over, and over, and over, and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'do it again, do it again!'

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is NO SUCH THING as a 'one-second burst' , when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-%#&**%#... that hurt!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
(How did they up get there???)

My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

[garyfrogeye]

Cruel eye test for pensioners

[Robspot]

I took a girl out the other night.

She asked me to treat her like a princess so I stuck her in the back of my Mercedes and crashed it into a wall.

[Leftie]

Two Tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file.  The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter.  A few moments latter, the front tiger feels what seems to be the tiger’s tongue, applied just below his tail.  The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn’t want to start anything by bringing it up.  Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place.  He decides to confront the other tiger, and asks him, “Did you just lick me twice on the bum?”  “Yeah, sorry about that, I just ate an Accountant and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth”.

[Lord Pig-Pen]

Taser Stun Gun

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary, and I was looking for a little something 'extra' for my wife.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the thing, and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to the Wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all THAT bad, with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner with my cat, Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions, and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, (for only a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms, and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would just be wasting the batteries.

All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; (pretty cute really, and loaded with two little, itsy-bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'NO possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it master,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't POSSIBLY hurt all that bad...

I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over, and over, and over, and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'do it again, do it again!'

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is NO SUCH THING as a 'one-second burst' , when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-%#&**%#... that hurt!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
(How did they up get there???)

My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Sounds like a useful Pikey remover from Bleu or an antidote to the chilli challenge. Got ant spare ones? PP

[Weena]

Two Tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file.  The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter.  A few moments latter, the front tiger feels what seems to be the tiger’s tongue, applied just below his tail.  The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn’t want to start anything by bringing it up.  Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place.  He decides to confront the other tiger, and asks him, “Did you just lick me twice on the bum?”  “Yeah, sorry about that, I just ate an Accountant and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth”.

I'm sure we don't all taste that bad 

[jpchenet]

Two Tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file.  The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter.  A few moments latter, the front tiger feels what seems to be the tiger’s tongue, applied just below his tail.  The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn’t want to start anything by bringing it up.  Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place.  He decides to confront the other tiger, and asks him, “Did you just lick me twice on the bum?”  “Yeah, sorry about that, I just ate an Accountant and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth”.

I'm sure we don't all taste that bad 

Volunteers??? 

[Perdu]

 
 
 
 
 
 

 

well it seems it has to be done

 

[Jules G]

Fella's watch out for this scam.Very bad news.

This is a very dangerous scam

Scam at Shopping Centre

A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular customers at this salubrious shopping centre.

Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam whilst out shopping. Simply going out to get some bits and bobs has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their cleavage almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a lift to another shopping centre. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

Please pass this message on to all the men you know to warn them about this scam.

 

[Jules G]

A man was sitting in the bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself. 'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for?'

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan. 'Love to fly and it shows?'

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself 'Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta.'

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. So he leaned towards her again and said, 'Something special in the air?'

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched Singapore Airlines off his list.

He thought 'Perhaps she works for Thai Airways ...' and said, 'Smooth as Silk?'

This time, the woman turned to him and said, 'What the f**k do you want?'

The man smiled, slumped back in his chair and said. 'Ahhhhh, Ryanair!'

[Jules G]

Cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK, made up of Afghans,

Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Africans, Albanians,

Bosnians, Turks, Geordies, Brummies, Glaswegians and Liverpudlians were

asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.

99% said no, they were happy with the Giro.
 

 

[Jules G]

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW 4x4?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
" Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
" Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides!

[nopanic - neil]

Jules G - quiet day at work today? 

[Leftie]

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed.  But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark," said the Lord.

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.  "Six months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed.

The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.  The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping.  And there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.  "Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best.  But there were big problems.  First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet Code.  So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans.  Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.  My neighbours objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front garden, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl.  I had to convince Fish & Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the Owls.  But they wouldn't let me catch any owls.  So no owls.  Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.  I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labour Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer.  Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

"Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group.  They objected to me taking only two of each kind.  Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed Flood.  They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.  The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain.  I sent them a globe.

"Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, over how many Croatians, Poles and Bosnians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax.   "I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear.  The sun began to shine.  A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"Wrong!" thundered the Lord.  "I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a Flood.  Something Man invented himself."

"What's that?" asked Noah.

And the Lord said, "Let there be Government!"