The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Steve Pyro]

A man escapes from jail where he has been for 15 years.  He breaks into a house to look for money and a gun and finds a young couple in bed.
 
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.  While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
 
While he's there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict. Just look at his clothes.  He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.  I saw how he kissed your neck.  If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.  Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.  This guy is probably very dangerous.  If he gets angry he'll kill us.  Be strong, honey. I love you."........
 
..... to which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear.  He told me he was gay, thought you had a cute ass and asked if we had any vaseline.  I told him it was in the bathroom.  Be strong honey, I love you too."

[Steve Pyro]

A man walks into a fish & chip shop with a fish under hid arm.
'Do you have any fish cakes?' he asks.
'Yes, of course,' says the fish shop owner.
'Great,' replies the man, nodding at the fish under his arm, 'It's his birthday'
 
 

[Russ]

A Fish swims into a wall...

Dam.

 

[Steve Pyro]

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her  castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't f**k*ng think so".

[ridefast]

From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: All Al Queda Fighters

Subject: From The Cave, Do Not Distribute Outside The Organisation
.
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rota ..have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the s**t out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy, Ossy, Ossy, Oy, Oy, Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Fifth: Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F***S DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall It's a lie, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Sixth: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.

[gibberish]

'kin ace ridefast.  Are you now taking refuge from the jihad with your name on it!  

[Steve Pyro]

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.

Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland" says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "Grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious.

" Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush, my Dad says it will take the contagious".

[Steve Pyro]

Men strike back :


How many men does  take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

 
 

[Nordic]

In a train carriage there were an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face"

The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".

The Frenchman thought - "That dirty Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".

The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again".

[rcutler]

A few pictures to get the humor going.

[rcutler]

For those of you that will not shave over the weekend

[rcutler]

For the Guiness drinkers among us

[rcutler]

Pre-Race preparations

[ridefast]

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter,
"What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor sometimes the bull wins".

[ridefast]

And another oldie that has re-surfaced...

Subject: The joys of getting older
 
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
 
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
 
"Okay," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
 
"Oooooooh, Henry, you old devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
 
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a ch uckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's not any trouble." So he follows them.
 
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.
 
She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
 
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.
 
They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes!
 
She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!"
 
He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
 
This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
 
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life that he didn't know.
 
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks: "that was truly amazing - that old man was going like a train- I've got to ask him what his secret is."
 
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You had sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that fence wasn't electrified."