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Barry
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« Reply #1095 on: January 18, 2007, 06:24:26 pm » |
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HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED HUMAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" -- She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
6. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
7. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
8. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
9. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
10. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ARSE" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
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Werner
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« Reply #1096 on: January 19, 2007, 09:52:02 am » |
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Tony Blair started jogging near his home in Chequers. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the corner of the lane. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.
This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's corner, Tony realized she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker.
Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled:
"See what a fiver gets you!!!”
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"… to be honest, I did it purely for the money at first. I went to Le Mans
hoping that the car would break down. I came away in love with the place." - Eddie Irvine
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Doris
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« Reply #1097 on: January 19, 2007, 12:35:43 pm » |
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HOW TO TELL THE GENDER OF A BIRD
Until now I never fully understood how to tell the difference Between Male
and Female Birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically.
But there seem to other ways....
Below are Two Birds. Study them closely...
See if you can spot which of the two birds is the female. It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills.
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Live imperfectly and with great delight.
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Perdu
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« Reply #1098 on: January 19, 2007, 06:07:35 pm » |
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Doris, any prize off the top shelf. I love it!  |
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"Ha ha you can't a fool me, there ain't a no sanity clause!"
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Neil
CA Veteran
Jr. Member
 Offline
Posts: 74
I'm a ginger llama!
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« Reply #1099 on: January 22, 2007, 05:53:22 pm » |
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I'm not a Big Brother fan, but loved this.
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God made man, Man made Le Mans, Le Mans made CA Llamas.
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Christopher
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« Reply #1100 on: January 24, 2007, 10:42:50 am » |
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After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a photo of a man on her bedside table.
At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he.
But after a month or so into the relationship he begins to stress about it, even imagining the photo is staring at him doing the deed.
It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it.
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.......
"That's me 6 months ago"
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Le Mans is for the week......not just 24hrs!
When life throws you lemons, bring out the tequila!!
Vodka! Cheaper than Botox and paralyses more muscles!
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Lee Self
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« Reply #1101 on: January 24, 2007, 09:44:33 pm » |
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Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," replies Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine. Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f**k off the car!!! -Lee  |
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Rhino
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« Reply #1102 on: January 27, 2007, 01:28:09 am » |
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Never argue with an idiot, they'll only drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
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Neil
CA Veteran
Jr. Member
Offline
Posts: 74
I'm a ginger llama!
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« Reply #1103 on: January 29, 2007, 01:40:23 pm » |
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The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.
Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place? He must be losing money hand over fist!"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
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God made man, Man made Le Mans, Le Mans made CA Llamas.
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Christopher
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« Reply #1104 on: January 30, 2007, 09:52:13 am » |
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An old couple are in Church attending a service & the little old lady turns to her husband and says "Ive just done a silent fart, what should I do" .
He turns to her and says.....
"Put a battery in your f*****g hearing aid !
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Le Mans is for the week......not just 24hrs!
When life throws you lemons, bring out the tequila!!
Vodka! Cheaper than Botox and paralyses more muscles!
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Christopher
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« Reply #1105 on: January 30, 2007, 10:50:47 am » |
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I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close miss yesterday.
I walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.
Be careful out there...!
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Le Mans is for the week......not just 24hrs!
When life throws you lemons, bring out the tequila!!
Vodka! Cheaper than Botox and paralyses more muscles!
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Christopher
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« Reply #1106 on: January 30, 2007, 05:50:13 pm » |
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Q. What's the difference between a chav and a coconut?
A. one's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
Q. Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins?
A. Society.
Q. What does a chav girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
Q. What do you call a chav in a box?
A. Innit.
Q. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
A. Sorted.
Q. Why did the chav cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.
Q. If you're driving and see a chav on a bike why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.
Q. What's the first question during a chav quiz night?
A. “Wot you looking at?”
Q. Why are chavs like slinkeys?
A. They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs
Q. Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving?
A. A policeman.
Q. How do you get a hundred chavs in a phonebox?
A. Paint 3 stripes on it.
Q. What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river?
A. A start.
Q. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame?
A. Because a nova has 4 seats.
Q. What's the difference between a chav boy and a chav girl?
A. A chav girl has a higher sperm count.
And finally!!!
A chav walks into the local jobcentre, marches straight up to the counter and says,"Hi...You know, I just HATE getting Jobseekers Allowance. I'd really rather have a job."
The guy behind the counter says , "Your timing is excellent, we’ve just got a job opening from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes , but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided . You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips, you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll also be provided with a two bedroom apartment above the garage, the starting salary is £200,000 a year".
The chav, wide eyed, says, "You're bull****ting me!"
The jobcentre guy says, "Yeah, well ... you started it”.
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Le Mans is for the week......not just 24hrs!
When life throws you lemons, bring out the tequila!!
Vodka! Cheaper than Botox and paralyses more muscles!
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Steve Pyro
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« Reply #1107 on: February 01, 2007, 02:59:22 pm » |
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Political Correctness
Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a
delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly
promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media,
which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely
possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.
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Steve  East Anglian cobras 
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fagey
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« Reply #1109 on: February 02, 2007, 03:57:21 pm » |
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some friday fun!
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